tips/advice for getting over argument with personal nastiness about you?

[ADrownedRat]

Just that really. I'm a bit of a dweller on things

so for example if someone says to me 'I've never met anyone as evil as you' rather than just dismiss it as their problem, I will ruminate on it, play the words over and over in my head, worry and worry about exactly why and how I am evil and worry about why they hate me so much.

If you've had an argument with someone who has been really nasty about you to your face (even if you know it's their agenda and problem) how do you get over it and treat it as the past and a thing of no consequence?

What happens to me is the nasty comments lodge in my brain and become a factor in continuing the constant downward slide of my already low self esteem.

how can I stop feeling shit about myself because of what they said and stop dwelling on it?

all advice welcome.

I don't think it's only those with low self esteem who'd find negative comments from others hurtful.

@IDontHateRainbows this is true but I am talking about that taking it deeply to heart and ruminating on it, replaying it, dwelling on what (horrible things said) I am.

Is it more the fear that the horrible things said about you are true, or the betrayal?

For me, I knew they weren't 'true' ( true for that person, in their head possibly but thats all) but it was the sense of betrayal that would affect me, and the implications for the relationship.

@IDontHateRainbows

100% the fear that its all true. There was no betrayal here this wasn't someone who I liked or who I ever thought liked me.

I think CBT distorted thinking training would help you. Partly so you can rationalise how to respond to hurtful comments without getting stuck in them. And partly so you can recognise distorted thinking in someone else's behaviour.

So her comment 'I have never had to work with someone as difficult as you' is typical of the cognitive distortion overgeneralisation. It's when people say 'never' or 'always' or 'everyone' when they mean sometimes, some people etc.

I would place bets that she has said exactly the same to other people.

CBT would teach you to check in with yourself fairly and ask if your behaviour deserved that response. If all you did was say no with boundaries, then you're fine and you realise the issue is how she reacts to staff having reasonable boundaries. If on reflection you realise you have been uncooperative several times when she's needed your input and maybe it would have been reasonable to go the extra mile, then you might realise there was some (but not whole) truth in what she said and decide to apologise or make more effort. But either way, you assess what happened fairly and compassionately, not judgementally or getting sidetracked by other distortions such as 'everyone must hate me' or 'I'm useless at work and should leave' etc

How can the advice already given to you not be worth a try

you're continuing to seek some resolution to the problem which needs you to take the action. None of us on here can change the way other people talk to you, we can only advise you on how to respond internally and externally.

they say habits take around 21 days to become a habit. So you can start by wiping the slate clean, forget what this person said to you because it is only one person's opinion, and from today resolve to take small steps towards shoring up your defences against opinions that don't reflect reality.

the example you gave as being "clever" is just additional manipulation. it certainly isn't clever :

Cutting Comment - I've never had to deal with someone as difficult to work with as you

Response - "Difficult? That's a shame. (Shrug) Funnily enough, I get along just fine with most people, so if it's only you, it's you with the problem not me".

or "well, you would say that wouldn't you". head tilt. A bit of subtle body language is powerful when done sublimely

You've only got to shoot them once and hit the bullseye - because being a nasty bully they'll metaphorically run and hide, or back right off and you can then build your confidence and keep challenging their micro-aggressions one at a time.

generalisations are the easiest to shoot down in flames, because nobody can possibly know what everyone thinks, says or does.

also when someone says something cutting, slow down the conversation, leave a gap, some silence, and just look at them steadily, say nothing, breathe and wait. Then come in with your response, in a quiet voice.

this takes practice but once you've done it to one person, you'll find it a lot easier to stick up for yourself against unpleasant people.

There's a piece of advice I ready (as I've been a serial ruminator in my time) about considering yourself in the same way as you would your close, dear friend.

When someone says something nasty that affronts, insults and hurts you, think of you protecting your close friend from harm by telling them that they are none of the things the horrible person said about them, they are kind, lovable and as good a friend as they could wish for.

except you're saying that to yourself.

How can the advice already given to you not be worth a try

I didn't say it wasn't! I'm just looking for thoughts from as wide a cross section as possible.

Cutting Comment - I've never had to deal with someone as difficult to work with as you

Response - "Difficult? That's a shame. (Shrug) Funnily enough, I get along just fine with most people, so if it's only you, it's you with the problem not me".

or "well, you would say that wouldn't you". head tilt. A bit of subtle body language is powerful when done sublimely

This is basically what happened because similar had been said to me by this person before and I'd thought about it a lot but responding with a 'it's you not me' comment didn't work because it made them respond even worse. It was like this - of course not these comments exactly as would be outing but as example to show what I mean

Them: I need you do this.
Me: I'm sorry I can't for (valid and good reasons).
Them: Tell me then did you do (this) for (other person)
Me: You know I can't discuss (other person) it's confidential.
Them: I can find out you know. I can just ask them.
Me: I've told you its confidential.
Them: I'm asking you again did you do (this) for (other person). I can find out.
Me: its confidential
Them: I have never in my whole life had to work with someone as difficult as you. Never. (Level 1 criticism)
Me: I feel the same way. I've never had this type of problem with anyone else. I've never been spoken to like this.
Them: You treat people like idiots and are rude and offensive and no one likes you. (Level 2 criticism)
Me: I feel like you are being rude to me.
Them: I am not being rude to you. You are the one causing all the problems. You know that some told me that you are weird and prickly and they've never met anyone as strange as you (level 3 criticism).

I don't know if that shows what happened as its hard to give an example conversation that isn't exactly what was said as its outing. As well as the words said, the nastiness was increased by tone and gestures, hardness,aggressive, patronising and eye rolling stuff.

Basically if I responded as I tried to generalities of criticism, the immediate response was another criticism that was even worse, even nastier, harder to unpick as untrue and even more targetted to stuff likely to both me.

Everyone has stuff they are more sensitve about than others - for some people it could be their intellectual ability, for others their lack of friends, for others their weight - whatever it is. If some hones into your weak points with this kind of escalated nastiness it makes me really dwell on it and feel absolutely shit.

This is my problem - that absorbing it and ruminating on it.

The problem is not so much how I conducted myself in the conversation because I think that was actually ok because I held my (perfectly reasonable) boundary and didnt waiver even when being pressed but this made them more angry I think which showed in more nastiness.

My problem is that even though I know this was an unpleasant and difficult person lashing back at the minion who wouldn't comply, those accusations get in my head like a brain worm and make me feel more shit about myself. I replay and replay them and wonder who said this to them, who else feels that, whether some people are looking at me every day at work and thinking these things. That's what I want to stop because it gets me so down and makes me feels so weak.

Avoid the twats.
HR at work and going no contact with on work twats.

I binned someone out of my life because she was an awful two faced cow. She still is but it's other people bearing the brunt of her evil. People let me know as if they want me to start a rebellion against her but she's a psychopath and needs to be avoided.

OP from what you say you handled the encounter really well. That's not easy to do. You know this co-worker is the one with the attitude problem, and it sounds like you won't be working with her for much longer. So it's just how you stop the conversation replaying on a loop inside your head.
When I have upsetting encounters they stay in my head for ages too. (Also ADHD)
What worked for me: finding an outlet that absorbs all my thoughts for a time. Someone mentioned Zumba. That works, so does an art class, pottery, gardening, anything that takes all your attention in the moment, leaving you with no space to dwell on anything else. Yes when you finish the class or whatever it is the outside world will return, but it always seems a bit further away, a bit smaller, more manageable.
Longer term:
Something like a choir or volunteering at something where you are with others will give you a better sense of yourself as someone worth spending time with. Singing is good for you anyway, but being with people who value you for just being you is also a precious thing. And it sounds like this might be missing from your life. It doesn't matter what the thing is as long as you enjoy your time there.

@NotbloodyGivingupYet thank you that is all great advice and very helpful.

@ADrownedRat you handled the situation brilliantly! You can be proud of the dignity and assertiveness you used, you don't have anything to reproach yourself for.

From what you've said, the person is a bully, simple as, using their position of authority inappropriately, especially after you said numerous times that the matter was confidential and you were not in a position to disclose the information. They levelled numerous accusations on you, and you stood firm. The more they criticised you and the more personal they became, the firmer you held

Id be taking their behaviour to HR especially if they continue to target you. Make a note of times, dates and circumstances and escalate the matter.

I think it would help you if, instead of telling them you feel like they’re being rude to you, you shut them right down. Don’t let it get past level 1 criticism. Stay very calm. Don’t raise your voice and in an assertive (not aggressive) tone, say something like ‘That is enough. Go and take a moment, and come back when you’re ready to have a professional conversation’. Then turn away and continue with your work. If they don’t like you, that’s fine. But they do have to behave professionally.

Also, if they are saying stuff like that to you, then they clearly aren’t a nice person. And you’ve said that you don’t actually like them, so why do you care that someone who doesn’t know you very well is being spiteful to you because you won’t break confidentiality and tell them what they want to know? They’ve decided to upset you, they’ve looked at all the tools they have in their armoury and they’ve resorted to ‘nobody likes you’. How did you not laugh at that? It’s pathetic! You’re obviously good at your job or they would have insulted that. So take heart in the fact that, of all the things they could come up with, the fact that you won’t break confidentiality is the worst thing they could think of! Laugh at them.

Here's a good video that you might find useful