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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do you prove abuse?

29 replies

Someonehelpmeagain · 29/03/2024 22:16

I believe I'm in an abusive relationship. How.do.i prove it?. I'm not even sure if it's me anymore. An example is he works shifts and won't tell me his rota as he says I'm controlling in asking . We have a child together and I don't work if that makes any difference. Tonight he's shouted at our child and really frightened me he then started having a go at me about our child in front of then. He claims I gaslight him and I'm honestly unsure if it's me

OP posts:
ladygoingGaga · 29/03/2024 22:28

You don’t need to prove anything to yourself. If he makes you unhappy then that’s enough to take action.
for what it’s worth… he sounds like a right royal twat.
I started by keeping a diary, somehow reading the crap my ex did a few days later in black and white made me realise what he was doing.
I would suggest at least making sure you know your rights over house/money etc as it sounds like he does not give a shit about you already and is looking to blame anyone other than himself.

Original poster
Someonehelpmeagain · 29/03/2024 22:34

I have to keep a mental.diary incase he found it. It's my house. He won't leave

OP posts:
MrsO3 · 29/03/2024 22:35

You don’t need to prove it. Just get out. He’s getting in your head, he’s already making you doubt yourself. This will get worse. Please leave

MrsO3 · 29/03/2024 22:36

Someonehelpmeagain · 29/03/2024 22:34

I have to keep a mental.diary incase he found it. It's my house. He won't leave

Goodness gracious you can’t even keep an actual diary for fear of him finding it. Get out of this relationship OP, quickly, please. Thank goodness it’s your house. He has to leave if you’re telling him to. Call the police if he refuses

WandaWonder · 29/03/2024 22:38

Call the police before someone calls social services

CatCatCatCatCatCat · 29/03/2024 22:39

Prove to who? What you've said wouldn't stop him getting contact with his child so who do you want to prove it to?

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 29/03/2024 22:41

You don't need proof op, you need support.

Contact WA. Explain it all to them, they will be able to get you the right advice on getting him out your home, and support for you moving forward as well.

Rocknrolla21 · 29/03/2024 22:41

Prove it to who? If you want to report him to the police then can you get physical evidence of the abuse? Recordings and messages and things? Right now I think you’d be better off focusing on leaving him.

ChanelNo19EDT · 29/03/2024 22:43

Oh pet. He's an abusive bustard in your house. The fucking nerve of him. Call the police. Do you have any family members who can come over to support you?

Your belief that you need to prove that he is the abusive one is the result of him eroding your sense of yourself. Xxx

suki1964 · 29/03/2024 22:46

Its your house? You are the person named on the rent agreement or mortgage?

If so then the next time he is at work, you pack his belongings and leave them on the doorstep and change the locks and tell him to fuck off. If you need to, if he creates, you call the police.

You dont have to prove anything to anyone if you want him out of your home

Thats the easy bit - getting him out. You may have to take an injuction, you may have to have court time over child care, but thats all down the line - just get him the fuck out of your home

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 29/03/2024 22:50

suki1964 · 29/03/2024 22:46

Its your house? You are the person named on the rent agreement or mortgage?

If so then the next time he is at work, you pack his belongings and leave them on the doorstep and change the locks and tell him to fuck off. If you need to, if he creates, you call the police.

You dont have to prove anything to anyone if you want him out of your home

Thats the easy bit - getting him out. You may have to take an injuction, you may have to have court time over child care, but thats all down the line - just get him the fuck out of your home

This could create a situation that's dangerous if she doesn't legally evict him, op needs legal advice first.

Watchkeys · 29/03/2024 22:50

If, in any relationship, you feel you need to prove anything at all, then get out of the relationship altogether. Proof, as a concept, isn't required, because there is trust.

You need to trust yourself, here. It makes you feel bad, so distance yourself from it. The need for proof goes out the window when there's trust.

totallybonkerswarning · 29/03/2024 22:52

Download an app like voice recorder on your phone and leave it running.

suki1964 · 29/03/2024 22:54

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 29/03/2024 22:50

This could create a situation that's dangerous if she doesn't legally evict him, op needs legal advice first.

Show quote history

Legally evict? Hes not a tenant , hes a guest in her home. if it is her home she can kick him out with no notice whatsoever, he has no legal right in law to be there

If he is a joint tenant on either rent or mortgage, then it becomes difficult, she can not refuse him access to his home - unless she get a judgement

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 29/03/2024 22:58

suki1964 · 29/03/2024 22:54

Legally evict? Hes not a tenant , hes a guest in her home. if it is her home she can kick him out with no notice whatsoever, he has no legal right in law to be there

If he is a joint tenant on either rent or mortgage, then it becomes difficult, she can not refuse him access to his home - unless she get a judgement

Show quote history

He's obviously been living there for years. Long enough to have, and be raising a child together.

She needs to speak to someone to make sure she evicts him properly and legally.

Your advice could be very dangerous for the op.

suki1964 · 29/03/2024 23:52

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 29/03/2024 22:58

He's obviously been living there for years. Long enough to have, and be raising a child together.

She needs to speak to someone to make sure she evicts him properly and legally.

Your advice could be very dangerous for the op.

Show quote history

Doesnt matter how long hes lived there, if his name is not on the tenancy or mortgage he has no right in law to be there

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 30/03/2024 00:01

suki1964 · 29/03/2024 23:52

Doesnt matter how long hes lived there, if his name is not on the tenancy or mortgage he has no right in law to be there

Show quote history

You don't even know if they are married.

Even if she took your advice, what do you think will happen if this, quite probably, abusive man, shows up and his bags are on the doorstep?

Your advice is dangerous. Op needs to talk to WA, and get some legal advice and do this safely. It's not a soap opera.

101Nutella · 30/03/2024 03:43

YANBU

Its very normal to know partners work pattern so you can plan dinner or contact them/ for childcare.

sorry this is happening. If you could keep bore on your phone somewhere of date, what happened and how it made you feel you might have more clarity. But the fact he’s gaslighting you etc just trust your gut and prepare to leave.

ultimately you can leave someone for any reason. Just sleek to women’s aid for advice how to safely do it.

cerisepanther73 · 30/03/2024 03:53

@Someonehelpmeagain

Let your emotions guide you how you feel is what your intuition is 😱 screaming telling you,
this is no good or and healthy for you,

Act according with plenty of as much support around in different ways with suitable charitable organisations support if need be too.

BobbyBiscuits · 30/03/2024 04:51

Just tell him firmly and calmly again to leave, give him 3 days.
If he doesn't leave by then change the locks while he's at work. It's your house and you don't want him there. You can even involve the police if he's not budging and acting abusive. They should at least have a word and make him leave on the spot. If you are worried about repercussions you can get a restraining order?
You feel abused by him so he's got to to go.

Original poster
Someonehelpmeagain · 30/03/2024 09:28

Thanks all. It is my rented house. His name not on the tenancy. I need to prove it as I've been a victim of abuse before and I dropped the charges and I know he will use this against me. I am actually frightened of him so can't just put his stuff out, nothing to stop him coming back if I do that. I need to make sure this is ended properly and that me and my (our) child is safe

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 30/03/2024 09:58

Who do you need to prove it to, and why?

HelloMiss · 30/03/2024 09:58

Speak to the police

They can arrange to attend when you kick him out and put a marker on your address in case you need to ring them to come back

Coercive control ....

Original poster
Someonehelpmeagain · 30/03/2024 11:15

Because i have mental health issues and I'm worried about child arrangements and he'll make me out to be unfit even though I di everything for our child

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 30/03/2024 11:53

Someonehelpmeagain · 30/03/2024 11:15

Because i have mental health issues and I'm worried about child arrangements and he'll make me out to be unfit even though I di everything for our child

That's not the answer to who you need to prove it to, or why you need to prove it to them, though. That's the answer to 'Why do you feel you need proof'.

Who the proof is for will determine what the proof is that you need. An easier way to phrase the question is 'Once I have proof, who will I give it to?'

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