To not want my husband to record our conversation!

[OpalPoet]

My husband writes things down when we have minor disagreements and tonight he started recording our conversation on his phone during a disagreement, I told him to stop because I didn’t like it but he continued, he then said, ‘We’ll see if you talk now then!’
To make it clear, I said nothing abusive or unkind.

AIBU to not want him to do this?

Far too controlling and emotionally abusive for me. Our relationship would be over if this happened.

It's not rocky, it's fucked.

If my husband decided to record me, I'd tell him to fuck himself - loudly, so that he could record it clearly - then, I'd give him the silent treatment for as long as I could keep my trap shut

I wonder why he feels the need to do this?

I absolutely audio recorded when I was in an abusive relationship. I learned that AFTER being in a different abusive relationship where I would be video recorded and put online by my partner at the time when I had enough and would finally snap.

You are allowed to feel however you want to feel about the situation. The motive behind these actions is what I would be interested in.

Thank you! I’ve come to the conclusion it’s a control tactic and your mention of reactive abuse sounds so familiar.
I am going to call Women’s Aid next week.
I am thinking about leaving but I don’t know if I can afford it at the moment.

WTH?? This is abusive behaviour. No.

Sadly this.
I am quite shocked at the number of posters on here who have recorded partners to prove abuse. What are you proving it for? Is it going to hold water in court? You are just going to come across as the abusive and controlling one. If you are in an abusive relationship, speak to trained professionals and seek support to leave. By all means keep your own private journal, but it is a breach of someone’s privacy to record them without consent.

I think you need to also make a recording on your own phone.

i find this extremely disconcerting. You only make recordings, written or audio, if you plan to use them for something. His intentions aren’t good.

Take care of yourself and treat every interaction with him as if you are being recorded.

Do you have a ring doorbell, baby monitors or family tracker apps?

Once he starts doing things like this wouldn't you say that the marriage was over? How do you get over something like this?

He has to stop the recording as soon as you told him to.

when Recording phonecalls, the caller has to be informed otherwise the person recording the conversation is not covered.

NO COUNSELLING!

OP should definitely pursue solo counselling but they cannot go to counselling together.
This behaviour is not safe - let’s not give OP a glimmer of hope that this behaviour can be changed.

You’re welcome.

I know the realisations are super hard to mentally accept and proud of you for putting yourself first!

Regarding not being able to afford leave, with this type of behaviour, can you afford to stay?

The sooner you are away from him, the quicker you can heal and then re-build into the woman you want to be, the best version of you 💐

He’s doing it to intimidate and control you. My ex-h did similar type of things.
Start putting all your energies into leaving him. He’s not going to improve.

I would absolutely need to hear his side.
Is he recording because you then deny you said something later on? Because what you say is abusive/threatening.

Easy to say he's the crazy one, my ex has everyone believing I'm the crazy, unhinged, abusive person who just randomly left for no reason. He obviously doesn't tell them about his threats to kill me.

I would keep talking when he does this, with an eye to what it would sound like in court.
‘i object to you recording me. Please stop. Since you won’t stop I am still going to tell you what I am upset about.
then… a reasonable statement eg every morning I get our kids ready for school. I have started asking you to do it one morning a week. You forget their lunch, their jumper, their hat, they are late with the wrong socks and haven’t brushed teeth. This is basic parenting. I am just asking you to do one basic step in a parents day, and I am upset and very sad for our kids that you can’t do this for them, you are a capable adult so it is either because you don’t care, or you hate me and think all such work is my job and want to hurt me by your parenting badly. Which is working, I am hurt for them, that their dad is like this.

he is looking for ammunition. Make it ammunition for you.

So a man recording is abusive, controlling, narcissistic....

But women should record men for proof?

And in fact OP should record him in return and even LIE about illegal or offensive things he has done to Embarrass him?

Take a look in the mirror....

OP - we only have your side, maybe you do deny saying things, maybe he had a bad experience in the past, maybe he wants to protect himself in case you ever tried to claim he was abusive...

Whatever it is, it's not a good marriage

OH you could have fun with this. Just let him record you talking about his small dick being such a disappointment in the bedroom and had he considered plastic surgery or Viagra.

My ex husband used to do this OP. It was to gaslight me into believing I was mentally unwell - I wasn't, I was incredibly sad that he was being so unkind and abusive towards me. Be careful OP, I was so frightened that I would say something 'wrong' that I became non verbal. It took me 6 months after leaving him to be able to feel safe enough to communicate again. It unfolded that he was having an affair but 'felt bad' about telling me as we had a newborn. I found out and left when DD was 6 weeks old. As others have said, it's abusive and a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

This is very, very unreasonable of him, creepy and borderline abusive. From what you have said this is a symptom of deeper issues in the relationship and not stand alone problem. Do you have someone IRL you can talk to? You say you are trying to shield your children, but they will be very aware of the tension.

Why is he wanting to review your arguments? Is he accusing you of saying things then denying it later? Or is it another stick to beat you with?

Try to consider your options dispassionately and choose your next steps carefully if you don’t see things improving. Sometimes staying together is not the best option for the kids or you / you are a poor parent if you are miserable and stressed.