To not want my husband to record our conversation!

[OpalPoet]

My husband writes things down when we have minor disagreements and tonight he started recording our conversation on his phone during a disagreement, I told him to stop because I didn’t like it but he continued, he then said, ‘We’ll see if you talk now then!’
To make it clear, I said nothing abusive or unkind.

AIBU to not want him to do this?

@OpalPoet

He sounds like a narc or
manipulative immature controlling abusive twat,

would he like this kind of behaviour 🤔 if you or someone else did that to him some way?

Nope i thought not,

What other sneaky or obvious ways does he attempt to manipulative control you then in your relationship?

He sounds not quite right in the head,
be careful with this one

You know you don't have to stay in a relationship with him if you feel like it's working for you or does not feel right , feels off weird or dodgy too etc...

This is controlling and coercive behaviour.

He's giving the impression that anything you say will be talen down and used against you.

He's silencing you.

Next time you have a row and you notice him recording or taking notes, take out your phone and video him, with a voiceover saying what he's doing, yet again. "He's taken out his pen and he's taking notes - again. He's doing this because he won't discuss problems with me, and this is his way to shut me up."

Your marriage is over whether you do this or not. Your H is not a reasonable or rational man.

It's time to go to a solicitor and talk about how divorce works.

I'm not surprised it's rocky, I'd hate being recorded.

I think you should call Refuge to talk about his behaviour towards you. Do you have close family and friends that can support you? It sounds like you know his behaviour is wrong so speaking to Refuge may help you begin to understand what is happening. Wishing you all the best. Make sure you get support. It will help you realise it doesn’t need to be like this.

He’s recording you so when there is another argument, you STFU. This isn’t an isolated incident, this is a pattern of behaviour designed to keep you hyper vigilant and on the back foot.

ITS TIME TO GET OUT before your children watch their mother slowly disappear.

It's a control thing. You will think about what you say if he's recording you so effectively it's to silence you.

Aldo maybe compiling evidence?

I would throw his phone in the toilet. Lol.
Seriously though, this is abusive and coercive. Like shut up or I'll record you.
Honestly please leave.

The recording your conversations/arguments is a massive red flag. Especially the “we’ll see if you talk now then!” Sounds threatening. The writing stuff down… I’m guessing it’s done in front of you and in a similar way.

If I was you, I’d start keeping a diary of his concerning behaviour and these arguments. And not telling him you’re doing that. That’s important. Just so you have a timeline of what he’s doing and when.

Does he use it against you at a later date?

I'd hate to be recorded, it's very controlling behaviour in my book. I'd be concerned he'd take certain bits out of context. Why not start to make your own recordings? It doesn't fix anything and it's tit for tat but this way he then can't take a few words out of context for whatever reason.

File for divorce, this is so beyond normal, as is writing notes. Refuse to engage and just issue the divorce papers. Seek help from women’s aid as this is abusive in my eyes

I used to write down all the arguments me and my husband had in my diary, because he would point blank deny he ever said some of the nasty things he said.

I do think this is strange, but it depends why he is recording it. I have seen many people on here actually advise women to do exactly this when their partners have been abusive so that they have “evidence” and I’m sure if their partners were also on here in those situations then their partners would argue that they haven’t been abusive.

I think either way the marriage is over, but realistically if you’re not being abusive then I certainly wouldn’t let the fact he is recording things stop me from engaging in disagreements, I’d let him crack on and just get my ducks in a row to leave. His recordings, even if they did contain evidence of abuse, wouldn’t mean much to a court so they certainly won’t be interested in listening through hours of recordings of bickering.

So your saying all those that have said they have recorded their partners to help them better clarify whether they are being gas lighted or wronged is a LTB offence?

There is always a clear reason to why people feel vulnerable to the point they need to catalogue events. A lot can happen in an argument that small things can be missed. While it’s fresh after the argument etc.

@OpalPoet Is this the case? Is there more to your AIBU as you later mentioned it’s over children?

I had an ex who would say something and then completely deny he ever said it and gas light me into thinking I was going mad.
It definitely messed me up because I wasn’t sure what to believe.

I started recording conversations for proof for him and for myself.

I’m not saying I was right but I needed to do it to prove to myself that he’s a manipulative gas lighter.

We don’t know if you are also abusive or a gas lighter but when someone is recording a conversation then you know the relationship is not healthy and needs to end, regardless of who is wrong or right.

Narcissist ALERT!

Writing stuff down to use it against you at a later date?!?!

I'd be ending this relationship immediately!! Either he can rationally discuss things like a grown up or he leaves.

Perfect. He’ll hate it. What a wanker.

Same. They can make you doubt reality.

Recording abusive behaviour/ noting it down in a diary is surely different from this? OP's husband is clearly trying to silence her. When an abuse victim records abuse it's to protect herself and her sanity (it's not being used to threaten the person being recorded)

This in spades.

i dont think your marriage is rocky. I think your marriage is over. Youre flogging a dead horse.
Of course its weird and wrong that hes recording you every time you disagree with him. I think you need to make plans to seperate, as this environment is toxic

My ex used to do this - he would also video me as ‘proof’ that I was the abusive one.

It is a control tactic - a way to put in your place.

Reactive abuse comes to mind.

Either way, this is a huge red flag, one that can not be improved on. If he wanted to communicate as an adult in a partnership, he’d do that. This behaviour is about putting himself in a good light and making you out to be terrible, which no doubt, you’re not.

Speak to Women’s Aid and quietly make your plan to leave. YOU DESERVE BETTER

💓

NOBODY has the right to record you without your express permission. I’m sad to say you don’t sound like you have a future with this man. I hope you are able to extricate yourself from him with the minimum of fuss and hassle. Sending love. x

Your marriage is dead. All trust is gone and it’s turned into a toxic battleground. Don’t argue with him just get out.
I think this sounds like him either trying go intimidate you or gather evidence to paint you in a bad light later. Speak to Women’s Aid or a solicitor and get out before your self esteem is ground into dust.

Next time he records you as pp have said record him right back. Start listing off his secrets. "Hello again public, my DH is recording me as a form of mental and emotional abuse. He thinks I should be seen and not heard. Well last year DH John Smith lied to his boss about xyz and called him a useless twat. He said his dm was a nosy bitch last week. His drinking has gotten much worse and I'm worried for his mental health." Say all the most embarrassing awful things you can think of when dc are not around. Hell make some plausible things about him up if you'd like. Camera records, it's DH life story time

Hugely abusive behaviour

Time for counselling or to end the relationship

Also, I would get my phone out & start recording every time he started making notes / recording.
When he questions it I'd say

• I'm protecting myself. What you're doing is abusive behaviour. I don't know why you're doing this but I do know that it is easy to cut & splice audio so that it is saying totally different things to what the conversations actually were. If you plan to use these recordings against me I will have another, definitive version to compare them to.

Remember if he offers to delete recording s and notes that it is likely he has an auto back up to the cloud and that needs to be deleted too.