Not allowed friends over

[Rainyday54321]

First time poster here..
So AIBU?

Husband doesnt allow me to have friends over. He says it's his house (we both pay mortgage!) and refuses to allow me to have anyone over. I have to see friends at their houses.
This is full on controlling isn't it? :-(

We've been married 15 years and he's only changed behaviour in the last few years. He hasn't always been a twat.!
I have no means of leaving - my wages go into joint pot so he would see a 'run away' fund.
When he's nice he's nice but when he's mean he's mean!
I never thought I would be stuck in this situation.

He sounds jealous that you have friends and he probably doesn't.

Contact Women's Aid, they will help you.

I'm so sorry but you know this is abusive. I'd leave. What happens if you have DC? Will they not be allowed friends over either?

Does he have some kind of social anxiety or paranoia?
Does he have any friends who he invites over?
I can understand him not wanting you to have friends over instead of meeting them elsewhere if he is home and wanting time to himself in a small house, but does he also not want friends over when he's out at work etc, and if so what is his reasoning?
Does he have any problem with you going to see friends too, or is it purely about them being in the house?

Do you hve family or friends you could reach out to? I'd help a friend if they were in your situation.

Contact Womens Aid or Refuge, but make sure you cover your tracks.

Do you have any family or friends you could lean on for practical and emotional support in the short term? Someone who could put you up for a while? Once you're out of danger you can then ensure your wages go into your own account. You may also be entitled to some top up benefits. If you have a joint mortgage I believe you would also be entitled to half the proceeds from the sale of your house in the event of a split, but you need proper legal advice. Some solicitors will give you a free 30 minute no obligation consultation.

Do you have DC? I'm a Safeguarding Lead in a school and have helped many Mums in your position. If you do have kids then once the schools go back go in and ask to speak to a DSL, they will be able to put you in touch with services who can help you, including legal and financial support.

You can open a new account in your name and have your wages paid into it. If you're worried he'll be violent if you do that, contact Women's Aid urgently.

We have 3 teenage children. He's OK with their friends coming. It's mine that are the issue. No idea why he hates them. He is an introvert and likes his own space and I'm more extroverted and am a people person.
We have enough room for him to go upstairs. To be honest the issue is more him telling me what I'm allowed to do. I don't mind going to a friends and getting some peace but I hate him telling me that I'm not allowed and then kicking off if I do something that he disagrees with. I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells.

Why are you still in the marriage?

Absolutely no one should be telling you what you are and aren't allowed to do. No exceptions.

Totally this. He has no respect for you.

You should not be living in a situation where you need ‘permission’ from your life partner to have your friends over. I would invite friends over every weekend and if he doesn’t like it he can walk through the door and not come back. What an arsehole!

Frankly, from your updates, it sounds as if he's worried your friends will see evidence that you're in an abusive marriage.

Why do you need to hear that it's not you? I'm genuinely curious. If you shouted and threw things at him that would be wrong, as I'm sure you know. The fact that he's a man doesn't change the rules of behavior. He's controlling and abusive, and if you stay your children are highly likely to be abusers if they are male and abused if they are female. Get out and get your children out.

And please get counseling once the dust settles to figure out why you thought that him shouting and throwing things at you could ever possibly be ok. Good luck, OP.

Did anything happen that he suddenly didnt like your friends being over? You said he wasnt always like that. The bottom line is are you frightened of him, if you are the marriage is over. If you are not afraid of him you should be able to talk to him. I have read women being advised to get cash back at supermarkets to accumulate a leaving fund as that doesnt show up in bank statements. But that would take a long time. You have kids, if you had a daughter what would you advice her to do in the same circumstances?

Is there someone that you can confide in?
I suspect your friends have already sussed out that there's a problem.

Please speak to Women's Aid.

Oh well on this post, he is definitely controlling and he swears at you and throws things, not good!

Are there kids?

Ah, I see there are 3 teenagers. What is he like with them?

He sounds nasty and I'm not sure why you want to live with him at all! Wouldn't it be nice to have your own place where you can invite who you like over and nobody screams and shouts at you? Why do you stay with him?

What an awful man.

What would he say if you a friend round when he wasn't there?

Oh dear OP. You're in a horrible controlling relationship, but it's obviously incredibly difficult to leave right now.

But my advice is that you need to start planning for this.

I'd bet my house there's other controlling behaviour going on.

Access to money is usually top of the list.

Either you can have friends round, or you can’t and therefore you do not pay the mortgage. Simples.

OP, there is a section on Women's aid website about covering your tracks, have a read of it.

Which area are you? Don't tell me exactly, but North, West, North west etc. I work in an industry that supports men/women going through similar so I may be able to point you to somewhere area specific x