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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To stop paying the mortgage

59 replies

Timeforme009009 · 28/03/2024 09:51

I left the family home at the end of October last year due to realisation husband had been emotional abusive for a long time. It has been so difficult since I left and his mind games on me and the children are still ongoing.
He is currently still living there and we are doing shared care of the children. I am at my parents.
Since I left I have been paying my half of the mortgage. Husband earns over 25k a year more than me.
I have made a few financial offers which have gone to him from my solicitor. The last one I sent was me just accepting my half of the home and didn't include his pension, savings, shares. I did this as I wanted a quick resolution in order to get a home for me and the kids. This was my priority.
He is delaying and hasn't responded to my solicitor.
I now want to stop paying my half of the mortgage as I am basically paying for him to be more comfortable.
I am waiting for a call back from solicitor to check on legalities of this.
Am I being petty in stopping the payments? I am sure it will just cause more trouble but not really sure what else to do at this point.

OP posts:
Timeforme009009 · 29/03/2024 06:41

I spoke with my solicitor who has sent an email saying we will be starting court proceedings on Tuesday and that i will no longer be contributing to the mortgage. He isn't going to like it but I am stuck. The only real chance I have of being in the area where the kids go to school is shared ownership and there are some coming up in the summer.
I just don't feel strong against him and really struggle with creating boundaries and saying no.

Child benefit is currently paid into our joint account but I am the claimant so I assume i could move that to my account.

He refuses to give me a key to the garage and I know he has put some of my things in there.

We originally set out a 50/50 shared care plan for the kids but daughter refuses to stay overnight with him so will see him in the day but comes back to me at night.

It's all such a mess.

OP posts:
TomeTome · 29/03/2024 08:19

He can’t refuse to give you a key to the garage. Did you ask the solicitor to request one in the last letter, and how to proceed if he doesn’t give you access?

Timeforme009009 · 29/03/2024 08:40

He won't give me a key but I can have access when he is there.

Solicitor did request access but he said he would sooner be there when I was taking stuff!

OP posts:
WoodBurningStov · 29/03/2024 08:47

He can't stop you having access.

Me and my exdh and a property and he was arrested for dv. He involved the police when I said I didn't want him coming back in the house and they told me they legally couldn't stop him. So if he can legally have access I don't see why you can't op. Just tell him what time you'll be round and discuss with the police. They can attend at the time you do so he lets you in and he then won't kick off at you

TomeTome · 29/03/2024 10:05

Timeforme009009 · 29/03/2024 08:40

He won't give me a key but I can have access when he is there.

Solicitor did request access but he said he would sooner be there when I was taking stuff!

Just go and get your stuff then?

Metootoot · 29/03/2024 15:41

I should have also said that as part of the settlement my friend got to stay in the family home until her children had finished full time education and then she chose to buy her husband out.

EarringsandLipstick · 29/03/2024 16:01

Metootoot · 29/03/2024 15:41

I should have also said that as part of the settlement my friend got to stay in the family home until her children had finished full time education and then she chose to buy her husband out.

Just to add, had she not been in a position to buy him out, she would have had to sell at that point, with no delay.

Be very careful with thjs - many women (as deferred sales are still common in Ireland) choose this option. They sometimes find themselves in mid to late 50s with insufficient income to get a mortgage and possibly to rent, with retirement looming.

Workworkandmoreworknow · 29/03/2024 16:14

DisforDarkChocolate · 28/03/2024 10:35

If you don't pay how will it impact on your credit rating?

This is the issue, OP. Any partial-payments and non-payments will show on your credit record for 6 years. This will impact your ability to secure your own mortgage and possibly also cause you rental issues. Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.

Metootoot · 29/03/2024 16:33

EarringsandLipstick · 29/03/2024 16:01

Just to add, had she not been in a position to buy him out, she would have had to sell at that point, with no delay.

Be very careful with thjs - many women (as deferred sales are still common in Ireland) choose this option. They sometimes find themselves in mid to late 50s with insufficient income to get a mortgage and possibly to rent, with retirement looming.

Yes, as previously mentioned, she used some of his pension payout early to partly enable this. She is in her 50’s, did get a very small mortgage, but had looked at smaller properties if this was not possible.
I agree everyone circumstances are different but sometimes it is possible for the main carer to stay in the family home until the children have finished education if that is what he/she wants. Obviously, it needs to be thought through carefully.
As soon as my friend saw a solicitor, they were adamant that she shouldn’t just settle for getting the house but go for half of everything. She took this advice and has ended up so much better off.

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