To stop paying the mortgage

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I left the family home at the end of October last year due to realisation husband had been emotional abusive for a long time. It has been so difficult since I left and his mind games on me and the children are still ongoing.
He is currently still living there and we are doing shared care of the children. I am at my parents.
Since I left I have been paying my half of the mortgage. Husband earns over 25k a year more than me.
I have made a few financial offers which have gone to him from my solicitor. The last one I sent was me just accepting my half of the home and didn't include his pension, savings, shares. I did this as I wanted a quick resolution in order to get a home for me and the kids. This was my priority.
He is delaying and hasn't responded to my solicitor.
I now want to stop paying my half of the mortgage as I am basically paying for him to be more comfortable.
I am waiting for a call back from solicitor to check on legalities of this.
Am I being petty in stopping the payments? I am sure it will just cause more trouble but not really sure what else to do at this point.

If this was the other way around...the advice would be so different.

If a woman came on here and said her ex-husband stopped paying the mortgage, he'd be called all the names under the sun.

I agree

I'm not going to advise OP to stop paying the mortgage.

But (I'm in Ireland) my exH didn't pay a penny towards the mortgage or maintaining the property from the day he left.

It took 10 years to divorce him.

It counted for nothing in the settlement. I did get the house but paid him a very significant sum (which I'd to borrow), and it was irrelevant that he didn't contribute for a decade.

And still, the house was not fully mine, in the eyes of the bank. I had to go through a whole mortgage application process, still ongoing but almost certainly will be refused, to prove to him that I have done everything possible to get his name off the property (he had to sign a declaration that he ceased his interest in the property).

I feel so bitter about it.

If I were OP, I'd get good legal advice, I'd pay my obligations but I would force decisions to be made sooner rather than later.

I would say don't put a foot wrong BUT go for everything you can, financially. Keep yourself firmly in the right so you don't give him anything to beat you with.

You have children together. There are savings and pensions. You deserve your share of these things. Get your solicitor to write to withdraw that offer. Honestly, OP, the older you get the more you realise money is extremely important. Every penny he keeps (that belongs to you) is money taken away from your future with your children.

you should get half of everything as you are entitled to. Why on earth are you not putting the work in now to sort this out? I’d move back in, and get half of everything you should do that if the butthead doesn’t pay maintenance at any point you and the children have some assets. Get your solicitor to earn their fee.

Hey OP.
When I left my exH we had shared mortgage and joint names on deeds.
I had to rent a house so I stopped paying mortgage.
I left it up to him. I wasn't living there so not my problem. He is still paying (crying about increased interest rates - the poor lamb) and because of my NHS pension I have the privilege of having to give him money anyway.
My name is still on mortgage and deeds until divorce settlement but he didn't want to wreck his own credit rating and was/is still living in marital home so I let him work away at paying for it.
Not my problem so to speak.
Sorry you have found yourself in this position OP. Look after yourself.

Definitely this

If you're not living there but you're on the mortgage, you can charge him occupational rent. He can either pay all of the mortgage, or pay you rent. You're not responsible for paying for the mortgage, you're responsible for ensuring the mortgage is paid. I'd get a solicitor to draft a letter saying you won't be paying the mortgage in lieu of him owing you occupational rent for use of your house. Maybe worth trying to get it backdated for the amount you've paid to date whilst not living there.

You made a generous offer based on a quick resolution. You haven't received that quick resolution. I would withdraw that offer as he has not met the conditions. Send a new offer of 50% of everything including his pension. Plus support for any children. Time to take the gloves off.

You are legally obligated to pay the mortgage until the house has been remortgaged and a settlement reached. I'd pay for the pension actuary (8 weeks, 3k) and make sure the settlement you reach is 50/50 of all your assets (a pension is one of these).

Exactly!

My ex wouldn’t respond to solicitor’s letters in the end the only way was to get a court date they have to respond then.

It depends on how it might affect your credit and the impact that would have on your ability to rehouse yourself. You don't say where you are in the divorce process, have you started yet? If not, get your petition in and apply to the Court for an Order for Sale. Then go after what you are entitled to, including his pension. If he's going down this route, you need to go in hard and show he can't walk all over you any more.

If he's abusive then I'm guessing he knows full well that having to pay half of his housing cost is preventing you from moving on. Surely that's coercive & controlling behaviour? We're meant to have laws against ex partners being able to mess with our lives in this way now.

I know this isn’t what you asked but pls don’t just accept half of the home. My friend wanted a quick settlement and offered to just have the house not take any of her husband’s considerable pension (worth far more than the house) or savings. He refused and she got a solicitor involved. She ended up with half the house, half the pension and half of the savings. This has put her in a far better position, she used some of the pension payment early to pay towards the other half of the house and will still be getting some pension later on as well as half the savings. Good luck!

My friends husband stopped paying his half of the mortgage when he left, he still walked away with half, she tried to fight it but got no where, she had to keep paying it all as she needed the money from the house sale to buy somewhere else.

Op you can stop paying and it's not unreasonable as you are paying rent to house yourself.

In your shoes I'd stop paying, and take it to court to get divorced and force a sale in the houses I'd also go for what I'm entitled to, pension and savings wise. He's had plenty of time to sort it out but has dragged his heels because he's financially benefitting from you and being unreasonable

If he then stops paying it affects your credit score.

Put him on occupational rent. Get the house valued for rent, then because you own 50%of the house and pay half the mortgage but had to leave because of the relationship breaking down then he has to pay you 50% of the rental value. I am in the process of doing this with my ex. That way your credit score isn't affected.

Yes yes yes.

BS. I've seen at least half a dozen threads with all and sundry telling the wife it's rent for his half of the property. Different story if the STBX has been financially coercive obviously.

Pay the mortgage. Withdraw your offer on the financial split and go for the full half of everything, as you are entitled to. There's no point accepting less if it hasn't sped things up.

Do not stop paying.

My ex husband tried this trick. I took him to court as its a joint debt. He was ordered to pay everything he owed plus interest plus court costs. It was hilarious to see his face as he was convinced it wouldn't happen.

It also ruined both our credits and I couldn't get a mortgage for a couple of years so was stuck paying extortionate rates or be forced into rented.

Honestly you'd be an idiot to risk it.

Looking back, I wish I did this. I remember my ex saying "you're not my problem anymore and I live with OW, I'm not paying a mortgage for a house I don't live it". It's been 11 years and I have struggled on. However at the time I was utterly shocked the mortgage company wasn't more helpful given I had no income at all and there was absolutely no consequence for him except ty judge awarding me 100% of the equity. Even so, he should have been taken to task at the time.

@Willyoujustbequiet @TheFormidableMrsC

This is interesting.

There was no possibility of this being considered in court, in my case. It's Ireland so the system differs somewhat.

The judge more-or-less set out what the settlement should be, and strongly indicated that we should reach agreement & not give evidence. I'd really have liked to, but I could not risk not getting the house, which was only possible if we reached agreement (otherwise it would have been a deferred sale, which I definitely didn't want).

If I had have been able, I'd have gone r

Posted too soon ...

Gone to court sooner to force a maintenance payment & agreement on mortgage payment.

Instead I had poor legal advice & was so beaten down from the abuse that I just struggled on, believing it might all be sorted in court.

I did get a better maintenance settlement & in theory, 50% towards all medical, dental, optical & educational expenses, but he hasn't paid a cent of these. However I'm stronger now and I'm definitely going to pursue the bastard in court for non-payment, he's clearly gambling on me deciding not to bother as it will cost me money.