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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Help prep an answer with me: re career break and in laws

58 replies

gya · 28/03/2024 08:14

I haven't told them yet that I'm having a time out from work, as I've suffered from burnout and just can't go on for now.

It's deeply personal, I've never done it before but there are a multitude of reasons why I'm doing it.

For my benefit and for the benefit of my very young family.

This isn't to discuss whether it's right or not.

It's about the comments I'll inevitably get and I just want to shut them down.

People are bound to say- ( in laws ) - ' oh right so how long are you going to stay off ? Don't stay off too long or you won't be able to go back '. Etc etc.

What do I say to that, other than ' that's really not your business ' as it's super confrontational. I just want to shut down any discussion as it's really not anyone's business - apart from mine and my husband's.

Any advice ?

OP posts:
BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 28/03/2024 08:43

You need to make sure your DH is on board and has your back. He needs to have some comments at the ready.

”We’ve got it handled Mum”
”gya and I have it all sorted and don’t need advice thanks, Too Many Cooks and all that “
”Our decision, our reasons, have you seen Dune 2?”

etc.

Maray1967 · 28/03/2024 08:44

Typos!!

Verging on the insulting … and my late DM

Lifebeganat50 · 28/03/2024 08:45

gya · 28/03/2024 08:35

@Lifebeganat50 I think it's rude to give opinions without being asked tbh. Especially on something personal like how we spend money.

I don’t disagree, but don’t feed her ego by replying!

DisforDarkChocolate · 28/03/2024 08:45

Would describing it as a sabbatical before your next project lead to less interest? Other than that if it's your in-laws, get your husband to close down any discussion.

Enjoy your break.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 28/03/2024 08:48

“I’ll do what I do when I’m ready and I am not discussing it in the meantime”

”LOL we’ve had this discussion and that’s as far as it goes for now”

”Actually the whole point of taking a break is not to think about it for a while so I won’t be talking about it”

”As I said, we’ve had that conversation “

”Could you let it rest for now? I would appreciate that “

midgetastic · 28/03/2024 08:48

I don't know yet - depends how long it takes

Yes that is something I am worried about

Just answer the questions ?

theonlygirl · 28/03/2024 08:48

I'd just smile and say "thanks, we've planned everything out" but after that just ignore. leave the questions hanging in the air, dont engage, you don't have to provide a response, just smile and offer more tea.

Octavia64 · 28/03/2024 08:50

I told people I was on a sabbatical.

It was true as far as it went - I was planning to take a year out and then decide whether or not to go back.

A surprisingly large number of adults have also taken sabbaticals as I learnt during mine!

Pickled21 · 28/03/2024 08:53

I did similar, I handed in my notice October 2022 (3 months) but was signed off for 2 months of it. I didn't mention it to anyone until I became self employed and eased myself back into work.When I did tell them I kept it brief, I needed a change and wanted more control of my hours. I did get comments with regards to cutting back and having to watch spending but shut down those comments quickly. I used phrases like, 'thanks for your concern but we are managing' on repeat. When it did get intrusive I was much more blunt and would say that our finances were noone else's business. My mum did get the hump but later when I was back to being more myself I explained what had happened with my health and she was incredibly supportive.

I hope you take the time you need to get well. I'd never been in that position before and it really dented my confidence and knocked me sideways.

Notreadytomakenice · 28/03/2024 08:57

Oooh super interesting as I have just decided to do the same! If you aren't reliant on anyone else for financial support then I suggest you just say (as I am) 'I'm taking a bit of time off whilst I work out what I want from life'.... Should anyone make you feel bad you could always say 'I see how unhappy so many people are, and that's not the life I want for myself'... With a pointed look 🤣

ComfyBoobs · 28/03/2024 08:57

Could you just say you’ve decided to be a SAHM for a while? That has no (immediate) time limit.

Pinkdelight3 · 28/03/2024 08:59

they weren't happy about my job as it was high pressure / involved travelling etc. they thought it wasn't good for the kids. They'd make comments that I need to get a new job etc. one that fits in better etc.

Argh, you just know that they're going to feel like they were right all along now you're burnt out. Please keep as much to yourself as possible and minimise their chances to judge and be smug, that kind of thing is infuriating. Keep repeating that you're grown ups and got it all in hand, thanks. if you can make it sound like this was all part of the bigger plan, that you'd take time out before your next career move, then all the better. Keep it out of their realm and if they get too nosey about it please disengage. They're the ones being out of order. You don't need them getting you stressed.

colouredball · 28/03/2024 09:01

gya · 28/03/2024 08:35

@Lifebeganat50 I think it's rude to give opinions without being asked tbh. Especially on something personal like how we spend money.

Tell them that then.

LiterallyOnFire · 28/03/2024 09:03

Can you go the body language route? Just grit your teeth and look pissed off? Then let your DH deal with them?

Maray1967 · 28/03/2024 09:04

JLT24 · 28/03/2024 08:43

@Maray1967 ive been in the op’s position and constantly getting asked when I’m going back to work so I just shut it down with ‘not thinking that far ahead atm thanks’ even when pushed ‘but you must have an idea’ ‘but what are you going to do’ ‘but won’t it have an irreversible negative affect in your career’ etc etc ‘not thinking that far ahead atm thanks’

That’s a very honest response - but I’m wondering if it’s what is leading to the repeated questions? With mine, I find firm but clear and definite responses work - so I’d advise OP to develop a couple, even if they’re not strictly true …

Cornishclio · 28/03/2024 09:04

If you have judgemental relatives or friends or those who feel it is appropriate to comment on things which are none of their business it is best to give them as little information as possible. Does your DH tell them everything?

I would just say taking some time out from a stressful job is best for you and your family at the moment and any comments on spending habits should just be countered that your finances are in good shape and you have been saving. How do they know if you have a big nest egg somewhere or not?

Maray1967 · 28/03/2024 09:07

Yes - good point above re. what your DH says. I’ve made it clear that my work decisions are not his to discuss with his parents.

serialplanner · 28/03/2024 09:08

I think because you expect her to comment you are already annoyed so maybe by mentally expecting her to comment then it can help you not fly off the handle? More of an eye roll and then using the phrases people have suggested.

I would feel the same as you OP.

A non issue really but older people love to make comments!

gya · 28/03/2024 09:12

Pinkdelight3 · 28/03/2024 08:59

they weren't happy about my job as it was high pressure / involved travelling etc. they thought it wasn't good for the kids. They'd make comments that I need to get a new job etc. one that fits in better etc.

Argh, you just know that they're going to feel like they were right all along now you're burnt out. Please keep as much to yourself as possible and minimise their chances to judge and be smug, that kind of thing is infuriating. Keep repeating that you're grown ups and got it all in hand, thanks. if you can make it sound like this was all part of the bigger plan, that you'd take time out before your next career move, then all the better. Keep it out of their realm and if they get too nosey about it please disengage. They're the ones being out of order. You don't need them getting you stressed.

That's so true ! That's what they're going to say / think too.

I can see it now, ' yes it wasn't right '..

I don't know how else to frame it though that will stop that smugness.

OP posts:
midgetastic · 28/03/2024 09:17

Try not assume you are seeing judgements or smugness - try not to extrapolate / infer things from a perfectly normal question - take things at face value only

And remember that your DH is their son who they will care for and will worry about - if you have to infer anything infer they love him more than you which is hardly surprising

BusyMummy001 · 28/03/2024 10:27

Just say you are taking a sabbatical to spend some quality time with the kids and DH.

if they press, you might want to say that you and DH looking at work life balance as the DCs will likely need more imput as they go through secondary school/exams and you want to be able to be there for them, so maybe a career or job change will be on the cards at some point.

They don’t need to know anything else. Just spin it as being about their son and their DGC and refuse to discuss it further.

godmum56 · 28/03/2024 10:33

gya · 28/03/2024 08:29

No we don't live with them.

It's just something she might say. In random situations.

Like if we are plan a holiday, she may say we should go somewhere cheap.

Or she could say that now I'm not working I don't need a cleaner or do fewer days of nursery for the kids ( I'm doing less days anyway for the kids) but I will keep my cleaner.

She may just say it at random times. To stick the knife in.

Act like she hasn't spoken. Don't discuss it. Regarding holidays and stuff, just don't tell your plans or discuss in front of her. Smile a lot.

MrsBigTed · 28/03/2024 10:37

gya · 28/03/2024 09:12

That's so true ! That's what they're going to say / think too.

I can see it now, ' yes it wasn't right '..

I don't know how else to frame it though that will stop that smugness.

"I have enjoyed it very much for the last x years, but now I'm ready for a change"

Whatifthehokeycokey · 28/03/2024 12:23

Actually, I don't want to discuss this right now.

Chickenrunning · 28/03/2024 13:16

midgetastic · 28/03/2024 09:17

Try not assume you are seeing judgements or smugness - try not to extrapolate / infer things from a perfectly normal question - take things at face value only

And remember that your DH is their son who they will care for and will worry about - if you have to infer anything infer they love him more than you which is hardly surprising

I agree with this. It is possible you are overthinking this, and to want to shut things down seems overly defensive. Plenty of people are stay at home parents to young children, it is hardly controversial.

If I told someone who loves and cares about me or my family that I was going to stop work, and they said nothing, or something non-committal like 'hope it goes well' that could easily be taken as being uncaring. Saying 'Oh how long do you think you will take off?' is perfectly normal, and shows they care about you.

What do you want them to say? And most importantly, what impression do you want to give?

Because if you are perfectly happy with your decision, you shouldn't read anything into their (first) responses other than a normal level of care.

Just say 'Well, luckily we have planned out the finances for a while, so I can take a bit of time to think about stuff'. Or 'We have agreed I will concentrate on he family until x is y age'.

And so what if they do say 'don't take too long off or you might find it hard to get back'. Either they say this from a place of knowledge, in which case you can say 'yes, good point, I have taken that into consideration but my priorities are x and y for the time being.' Or they don't know anything about your particular industry in which case you can say 'actually, 3-5 year career breaks are quite common, my boss has just returned from one' etc etc.

Anyone sensible will pick up on whether you are open to further questions. Coming across too defensive too soon will make them think there is something more to this, which is presumably the opposite of the effect you want it to have?

Of course, if they repeat the same question over and over, that gets annoying but then you just repeat the same answer. Or get a bit blunter.

But do not wind yourself up wondering about the motivations of everything they might or might not say, and get too defensive. I know how easy it is to do this but in the end you may put people's backs up unnecessarily.