For wanting my DH to stop being so miserable

[MiffedandMiserable]

Name changed for this.

I have been with my DH for over 10 years, married for 5. He's never been one to talk much about his feelings, but it's starting to grind on me more and more.

He's worked in the same job for longer than I've known him. He used to love it there. Over the years, as budgets have been cut, he's taken on more and more responsibility and his job seems to have merged into something he doesn't love as much. He never seems to have anything positive to say about it.

I've encouraged him to look for other things, take a break, find something he loves, but he doesn't seem interested. I think it's just a comfort thing at this point.

Alongside this, he is just becoming and more irritating to be around. He goes very quiet when he's stressed, as in, literally does not talk to me.

I said hello to him when he came in from work yesterday and he said NOTHING. He didn't actually say a word to me for over 15 minutes even though we were in the same room.

I have asked him repeatedly about this over the years, presuming there's an issue with me / wanting to find a resolution, and he always says he has no complaints about our marriage or me as a person, he's just 'stressed with work'.

That's apparently how he deals with stress. Just being sulky.

I am sick of it to be honest. I don't want to live in a house with someone who thinks it's fine to ignore me and be miserable all the time. I've suggested he speaks to a professional, asked whether he thinks he might be depressed, but he just shuts down every conversation.

I need to have a proper chat with him about it, but I just don't even know where to start with it at the moment. I want to help, I want him to open up to me!

Please - any suggestions?!

If that's who he is as a person then so be it

You can't insist he changes to be what/who you want him to be

My ex used to have to decompress after work,

I used to be a teacher. And it was a hideously stressful job. Everyone knew not to speak to me for 1/2 an hour when l came home. My head was ringing.

So I just let him be miserable and not try and help him feel better? Seems an odd piece of advice.

I totally get this and don’t disagree, but I think it’s rude not to even say hello to your wife when you see her.

He may be happy and not want to 'feel better' . He may be content as he is you've been with him years, odd that you've been with him for years and now, 15 years later, you are trying to change him

Life is too short - just leave him. Live your life and let him wallow in his.

I'd walk away and i did. You get one life and if every day is filled with misery and being ghosted then it's an existence and depressing, not a life together in my view.

I don't get that your trying to change him at all, it's all about how people respond and deal with stress.

To him his way works for him but it doesn't work for your marriage or you because you are more of a communicator than he is.

My husband was similar but he just wouldn't tell me anything about work and he hid his stress well but I over talked about my stress at work which added more stress onto him as at the time he felt he had to fix it but I just wanted to offload.

We tried something new from a podcast I was listening too I think it was brene brown or something like that but it really helps us so it might help you?

After work, we both ask one another how much percentage wise can you give today? E.g. I might be 80% because I've had a good day and he might be 20% because of stress or whatever. It allows the person to in a way explain how they're but not in much detail. So then I know, right they're low today but I have more percent so I can pick up the extra today to help out. As after all a marriage is about being a team!

However, I do agree that if he's low and stressed everyday then when will it improve if he's not willing to change an aspect of his life thats making him feel so negative? Some people though like myself, get a buzz from stress. I moan about work, but really I love it, I love the busyness I love being needed and I'd hate to go anywhere else. Maybe he's the same. He just gets the buzz?

I'd try the above percentage thing but if he's giving low every day I'd ask him and say " the last few weeks you're like this every day, and it's making us both miserable and not helping each other as a team. How can we improve this? Because I don't like seeing you like this".

Maybe it's a holiday you both need to de-stress and have some fun! Suggest that to him and see if he's open to a break?

Hope this helps OP

I think you would really benefit from couples counselling OP. It sounds like mainly a communication issue, and most counsellors are very good at improving your communication.

Fab advice Negative. OP do you still have good times together? It’s frustrating if he won’t see a GP as he does sound possibly depressed. My DH has depression and I get irritated sometimes thinking why is he down when he’s got such a fantastic DW?! But he says I AM one of the good things in his life and I do feel loved by him. Have you asked him (when he’s not in a mood) what you can do to help him?

My DH is like this too, especially over the past 4 years.
Once I heard him taking a work call and he was so pleasant and talkative, it really hurt. I did point that example out to him and it’s improved a little. I think he needs more alone time since doing more wfh and just sees me as part of the furniture.

Just to clear a few things up — it’s only the past few years he’s been like this. He’s never been one to talk about his feelings, but only since being promoted and having more pressure on him at work that he’s been so withdrawn. He wasn’t like this when we met / got married.

I don’t want to change his personality, I want to help him work through his stress or feel confident to find a new job (if that’s what he wants), because he doesn’t seem happy at the moment and it upsets me to see him that way.

I’ve spoken to him about it in the past, he knows that he goes into himself when he’s stressed, but it’s just becoming more common now. At the moment it just seems Monday-Friday we barely speak, weekends he’s back to normal. I don’t like living like that.

Last night he finished work, we ate dinner together (in silence), then he went upstairs for a shower, came back and sat in a different room. We didn’t speak all evening. I eventually went to bed, he came up a few minutes later but still didn’t say a word to me except “goodnight” when I turned my light off. It makes me feel as though I’ve done something wrong and am getting the silent treatment, even though he assures me I haven’t.

Anyway. I agree that counselling could be a good option. I definitely don’t want to continue like this, it’s affecting my mood, my sleep, my work now. I just don’t think it’s fair to be honest.

It's rude and hurtful behaviour. Sadly common.

I think it's a deep rooted level of entitlement and selfishness, and yes it's patriarchal. He wouldn't treat his (male) friends like that, or his work colleagues. So why is it fine to treat his wife like that?

It's not about wanting to help him or get him to "open up". Don't fall into that trap! It's just basic manners you're wanting from him, a basic level of respect. Lay it out clearly for him and see if he can bring himself to respect you as he would a colleague (!)

I am sorry you are finding yourself in this situation, I think your feelings are very valid. He is destroying his own marriage but he is being blind to it. Do you like reading? If you do I suggest you look up Why Women Talk and Men Walk book. Written by a couple of male and female therapists. There is a chapter there what men do to drive a wife away. (As well as a chapter for women). Marriage counselling might be good but he would have to agree to it, it's expensive and a lot depends on the counsellor's skill. I would start with a book. I hope it helps

no, just let him be. You don't know he is miserable, and he isn't appreciating your attempts to help. Accept him as he is or leave, you won't change him, and it is unfair to expect that.

He certainly doesn’t treat his colleagues that way, I can hear him on the phone to them chirpy as anything 😂 I appreciate that his social battery is at zero when he finishes, but surely he must realise that ignoring and not speaking to his wife at all is rude.

Despite some posters thinking I should just sit by and watch this happen, I completely disagree and would be quite hurt if that’s the path he chose if I was the one feeling low. I’ll speak to him about it again and see if we can find a solution that makes both of us feel better.

This sounded like my Dh to a tee! Sulky, non communicative. I tried to encourage him to see a doctor, see his friends, start a hobby.... Anything I could think of. And he hated it if I went out. Not that he expressed it, he just emitted hurt little boy vibes. After years of the stress of this, I threatened to leave and he went to the doctor to get antidepressants. He found a social life and started being normal again. I think your husband is depressed. When he is chirpy with colleagues, he's probably just masking. Don't put up with the ghosting. I did for years. It's not on!

Do you have DC? How is he with them?

I have an exhausting job, a lot of interaction and I'm an introvert so I need to decompress and have quiet time. But I wouldn't ignore my DD14.

Hi @MiffedandMiserable

Eek. How frustrating. Of course you can talk to your partner about how you'd like your relationship to be, and how you'd like to support him to be happy. This is pretty standard relationship conversation I would have thought.

I need to have a proper chat with him about it, but I just don't even know where to start with it at the moment. I want to help, I want him to open up to me!

Please - any suggestions?!

Search YouTube for John and Julie Gottman. Common sense type of advice from decades of research involving thousands of couples.

It won't take you long to get the hang of it, it mostly comes down to asking for what you need in a positive and encouraging way, by using 'I' statements, it is great advice for all relationships actually so you won't be wasting your time.

One caveat: This will only work in a relationship if you have a man that is accepting of a woman's influence. Yep - I just typed that. Check out this 2 minute video that sums up the challenges women face in trying to communicate with a male partner:

Hopefully @MiffedandMiserable you have a man who is accepting of a woman's influence, and if you can reassure him enough that it is not his fault you might be able to get some communication going.

You can only help him if he wants to help himself. You've said you've spoken to him and he chooses not to do anything about it. What else are you looking for? He has to engage in whatever it is and if he doesn't see a problem or isn't willing to work on it then there is little you can do.

Do please seek specialist, professional help. Depression or similar can go on undetected/undiagnosed for years... and sufferers then end up harming themselves or harming others or both. Often, the "other" parties suffer thinking there is something wrong with them, mistakenly. In this case, he's harming himself and harming you -- and you're thinking there's something wrong with you!! It normally always happens!! Therefore, a gentle visit to the GP will be a good starting point. GPs have a reliable chart of conditions and symptoms to work out/do initial diagnosis of what's going on. They can then recommend professional/specialist help. HTH.

My partner is often the same. It's due to deep-seated issues so I have sympathy but after decades I waver between hopelessness (this is never going to change, it's my life etc) and feeling like I have learned to live with it and help him manage his depression. I love him too much to leave but bloody hell it can be tough. I'm sorry you're going through this too. Men are brought up to think they shouldn't talk about things and so men's mental health is a crisis of epidemic proportions.

My way of dealing with things head on seems to have had the opposite of intended effect. I would try to coax him very gently towards talking, just asking open questions about how he's feeling and telling him how you feel. Do you have any close mutual friends? Sometimes it's easier to hear things from a friend than from a partner.

I'm the type to withdraw/curl in on myself and go silent when stressed. It's an avointant attachment behaviour, I try to be self sufficient and deal with stress on my own, instead of communicating with my partner. (We're both women) Unfortunately when I do this she perceives it as the cold shoulder/punishment and it upsets her and confuses her, makes her wonder what she did wrong. We've worked together to recognise this pattern when it comes up, and now I'll say things like "I'm feeling overwhelmed and can't talk right now, but I'm not angry at you and will talk when I'm ready." Sometimes we'll just watch TV together and snuggle on the couch. Other times I need a walk or just an early night. Etc. My ability to communicate during these periods has gotten better over time, and it doesn't turn into anything insurmountable between us. But it did require some uncomfortable conversations at the start.

Agreed. If he's willing to talk to the GP, jump on it! But getting mental health support on the NHS unless you're actively suicidal is very difficult unless you count CBT, which I don't for anything that might be linked to underlying issues to do with personality, upbringing or trauma. If he's willing to try therapy and you can afford it, my advice is to search the British Psychological Society website for registered clinical psychologists in your area and try a few. I've had a few therapists and a good one with rigorous training is well worth it. It doesn't sound too me like couples counselling is what you need right now. He needs to deal with his issues first.

I'm surprised at these responses. You don't need to live with a torn faced misery if all your attempts to reach him have failed. Too many women just accept grumpy behaviour in long term relationships. If he refuses to engage or get help, you've done your best and can end the relationship, free to live your life without a miserable git dragging your mood down every day. You might wonder why you accepted it for so long.