For wanting my DH to stop being so miserable

[MiffedandMiserable]

Name changed for this.

I have been with my DH for over 10 years, married for 5. He's never been one to talk much about his feelings, but it's starting to grind on me more and more.

He's worked in the same job for longer than I've known him. He used to love it there. Over the years, as budgets have been cut, he's taken on more and more responsibility and his job seems to have merged into something he doesn't love as much. He never seems to have anything positive to say about it.

I've encouraged him to look for other things, take a break, find something he loves, but he doesn't seem interested. I think it's just a comfort thing at this point.

Alongside this, he is just becoming and more irritating to be around. He goes very quiet when he's stressed, as in, literally does not talk to me.

I said hello to him when he came in from work yesterday and he said NOTHING. He didn't actually say a word to me for over 15 minutes even though we were in the same room.

I have asked him repeatedly about this over the years, presuming there's an issue with me / wanting to find a resolution, and he always says he has no complaints about our marriage or me as a person, he's just 'stressed with work'.

That's apparently how he deals with stress. Just being sulky.

I am sick of it to be honest. I don't want to live in a house with someone who thinks it's fine to ignore me and be miserable all the time. I've suggested he speaks to a professional, asked whether he thinks he might be depressed, but he just shuts down every conversation.

I need to have a proper chat with him about it, but I just don't even know where to start with it at the moment. I want to help, I want him to open up to me!

Please - any suggestions?!

Nailed it. He's using you as his emotional punchbag and he knows it.

Urgh I hate this type of behaviour, it’s rude and self indulgent. I had a bf who would do this and then a friend would ring him and he’d be full of life and fun, then after the call he’d be back to his uncommunicative self. We didn’t last. My ex was also like this, especially in the mornings. Not being a morning person doesn’t give a person a pass to be downright rude.

You need a proper talk with him (choose the time wisely) and if he doesn’t buck up then it would be the end for me. Life is too short to spend it with someone that selfish.

Just to add, sulky behaviour is a total turn off. It screams childish self indulgence and from a man you’re meant to be physically attracted to, it’s a massive turn off.

It looks as though you’re doing what would make YOU feel better. He clearly needs headspace.

He should move out if he doesn't want to engage in the basics of polite communication. He can have all the headspace he needs.

This is emotional neglect and it's disturbing how many people are urging you to accept it, because it's just how it is. Ignoring someone you live with, choosing not to treat them with common courtesy, not using the tools of communication he clearly can use at work and ignoring his spouses needs is not OK. You are telling him that this isn't working for you, he is refusing help to change things. Put it very clearly, you are unhappy with things as they are and something needs to change. Frtom my own experience I would be stating that either he commits to marriage counselling and is open to meaningful change, or I'd be moving on. Only you know what you want, but I wouldn't be wasting years of my life miserable with a spouse who doesn't care enough about me or our life together to listen to my needs.

That would stress me out to the point of fight or flight.

Perhaps he just needs to unwind for an hour or 6 without someone demanding his attention - which he has probably had all day at work. Perhaps you are too demanding.? I presume he would say ''hello'' if he was not totally drained mentally and physically.

Some weird advice on this thread!
my DH can be like this and I sympathise op. I can really relate to the hurtful ness of them being all chirpy and fun on work calls and showing their best self at work and then being miserable at home. It really hurts.
My DH has a very high pressure job, he works so hard for our family, and I think he collapses when he gets home as he can be sulky and non communicative.
it got really bad a few years back and when we talked he admitted he actually was having a lot of anxiety around work. We went to the GP and he was actually depressed. Medication did help.
obviously it doesn’t totally solve the issue and he still has bad weeks. It’s a hard one as we rely on the money. So I’m complicit in the cause really so I try not to get too annoyed. However-
he is currently taking a sabbatical and I’m hoping it will do us good and give him breathing space to find something else also as I don’t think it’s sustainable for him or our family to have this level of stress. It’s an absolute killer. Good luck OP

It’s very rude! I’m a primary teacher and I totally get the decompression thing. If I’ve driven myself in to work then the 20 min drive home is that time for me. If my husband is collecting me then I tell him to get me at 5 but stop working at 4:45 and scroll on my phone, read on kindle app, sit in my classroom in silence for 15 mins. You don’t get to decompress at the expense of manners or your families feelings IMO.

As an introvert who has a vey busy job with lots of comms and who WFH so often hs the DC in and out, I sympathise with your DH feeling like he needs to decompress.

BUT, and this is essential, he doesn't get to treat y ou like shit. There are all kinds of things I do to make it a bit easier for myself. I often take 30 minutes at the end of the work day for "commuting" time - I read a book or give myself a face mask or whatever, so that I get that break between work and home.

I would never ever not greet DH and the DC when they come in. that's just rude.

I quite enjoy cooking so will tend to take the lead on dinner, often with something on the tv while I do. this is a good time for me. But then we can sit down and eat dinner together, or at least, most days.

Accept he needs to decompress. Agree he comes find you when he's had his alone time. This isn't anything you've done..
it's his low mood
Possibly he's being a bit vindictive taking it out on you. Arrange to be out at yoga or shops or walking dog or pub for first hour he returns.

Check if he is in fact feeling depressed and is perhaps wearing a 'mask' for everyone other than you. many men don't know what it is when it hits them and direct the feelings towards a partner. It's also harder for them to vocalise and share it, the way that we do. Not saying that this is definitely it, I have witnessed this with a partner and it is very similar, especially if there are any work changes/issues.

It doesn’t take much to just say hello.

Fuck this. My ex was like this, he complained in so much detail about his job that I could have done it myself.

Any issues/stresses that I had, just went straight over his head.

Anyone else on the phone and he was bubbly and happy- I got the crumbs. Every day there was a new drama, constantly moaning and groaning.

I stopped taking his calls at lunch time.

I raised this many times with him and he never changed. It was sucking the life out of me as I'm quite a positive person. So I left him a couple of months ago.

I said hello to him when he came in from work yesterday and he said NOTHING. He didn't actually say a word to me for over 15 minutes even though we were in the same room.

Unless he is deaf, blind, and mute, this is absolutely unacceptable. You're not a fucking table lamp, you're a person who deserves consideration.

I'd be running for the hills, far away from this misery guts of a man.

This is actually abusive. As a grown adult it's his responsibility to communicate his needs and do it in a respectful way. It's his responsibility to manage his stress well, that's not harming others.

Are men children? She's already addressed it with him multiple times and he shuts her down. If he's directing it at his partner but cheery enough with everyone else he's just a selfish prick. I've had depression, it doesn't make you horrible to one chosen person.

Mmmm my XH was like this. I waited over 30 minutes after he got home to tell him I was pregnant because I knew I had to approach him at the ‘best time’ and it wouldn’t be straight after work!
It drags you down. I did everything I could think of to help him, encouraged him to see his GP, get counselling. He had a health problem and I pushed him to ask for a specialist follow up. Eventually I came to realise that his behaviour was abuse. He could turn it off for others but never for me and DD. He opted out of family life more and more, retreating to game or binge watch TV (and binge alcohol) in the spare room. I gave up trying. I set him free to live the bachelor lifestyle he so clearly craved..
He met someone else within days of moving out and now lives with her and her DC! He seems to treat her better (for now) so whether it was just a bad combination or whether he is putting it on for her and will change down the road, I’m glad he’s an ex. DD and I are much happier without him here.

Replacement technique/psychology/culture works best with house plants that die on me more often than not despite my best TLC! But with living creatures -- dogs, snails, cats, snakes...TLC might prove more cost effective/happiness effective! With humans it's worth trying TLC (specialist support/advice/care) first before applying replacement/rejection techniques. Long term, TLC may prove most cost/time/happiness effective. If a person's behaviour is/seems to be directed towards/against you personally, then prompt/decisive replacement/rejection/disengagement is the best course of action 😀