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AIBU?

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Original poster

to think badly of my SIL for binge drinking while pg?

32 replies

Saveme · 28/03/2008 12:20

Ok, first up, I have to say, I know I'm being a judgey little cow, I do know this, but I still think I'm right. I also know it's none of my business, but....

My SIL has just had a m/c, she was about 10 weeks I think. DH had a phone call from his brother worried that they had done something wrong - it turns out that whilst on holiday and knowing that she was pg they went out on the lash, basically got totally pissed up the pair of them. Not one or two restrained drinks but a proper session.

I feel sorry for them, but I also don't know how they could have been stupid. SIL told me that in her antenatal appts they "tell you" to have a drink. That's surely not right.

So, yes, I'm being judgemental and it's none of my business, but am I right to feel disappointed in them?

OP posts:
cornsilk · 28/03/2008 12:21

It would have made no difference to the m/c though would it?

Original poster
Saveme · 28/03/2008 12:21

No, I'm not saying it caused the m/c, just that that is how it came out, what they had been up to.

OP posts:
totalmisfit · 28/03/2008 12:23

well getting pissed when you know you're pregnant is irresponsible. having the occasional drink is different. i don't really blame you for secretly feeling this way. although there's no way of knowing if this was a factor in the mc.

cornsilk · 28/03/2008 12:25

Well it sounds like your BIL was in on it too, shouldn't he have been stopping her drinking instead of drinking with her?

lollipopmother · 28/03/2008 12:25

I thought that alcohol was thought to be linked to an mc, but even so it sounds unlikely. Personally I think blaming the drinking for the mc is wrong, if something isn't meant to be it isn't meant to be, but even so it is very silly of them. They'll be feeling guilty enough about it anyway I should think.

No1ErmaBombeckfan · 28/03/2008 12:25

m/c is a horrible thing and can be caused by almost anything ..

But, being a bit of a sanctiminious cow, I don't think I could not be a bit judgy about her behaviour... and BIL too..

choosyfloosy · 28/03/2008 12:27

i'm sure you're right that they don't 'tell you' to have a drink in antenatal appts - clearly your SIl is feeling very guilty. poor woman .

i know it's hard not to judge - i feel judgey reading about it - but try to love them instead (slips on jesus sandals)

MrsMacaroon · 28/03/2008 12:27

either way, she doesn't sound ready to have a baby...i would be judgey too (albeit silently).

cornsilk · 28/03/2008 12:28

I didn't drink while pg by the way, but have had m/c and know that you find ways to blame yourself for it regardless. If BIL is telling people about the drinking session they must be full of guilt as it is.

Original poster
Saveme · 28/03/2008 12:32

Yes, I know, I feel bad for them, but I can't believe how silly they've been. She is 35, she's not a young child. Like you say, what was BIL doing? I can't help but be disappointed in them but obviously they don't know that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Saveme · 28/03/2008 12:33

I think what is worrying me more is that they will try again and I have had a suspicion for a while now that she has a drink problem and should sort that out before they try for kids.

OP posts:
FioFio · 28/03/2008 12:34

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TheHedgeWitch · 28/03/2008 12:36

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Original poster
Saveme · 28/03/2008 12:37

Actually, can anyone tell me if they think any of the following might suggest a drink problem. This is all stuff SIL has told me herself:

  • they had to switch to cheap supermarket Gin as she was getting through 3/4 bottles of Gordons a week (this is on top of the 2/3 nights out they have a week)
  • she has her first drink when she gets in the door from work as she's taking her shoes off
  • she does "try" to put off having her first drink til 6PM
  • she pretends to her mother that she's drinking sparkling water when really it's a g and t

God, I'm in judgey overdrive, I'm sorry, I'm just quite worried the more I write it down.

OP posts:
FioFio · 28/03/2008 12:39

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totalmisfit · 28/03/2008 12:40

she does sound like she might have a problem -definitely something she needs to sort out before thinking about trying again.

Original poster
Saveme · 28/03/2008 12:41

I know Fio, she always sort of boasts about this stuff, like it's a big joke, so I've often taken it as an exaggeration. Now, I'm not so sure though, I mean, what happened on holiday, maybe she just couldn't help herself.

OP posts:
No1ErmaBombeckfan · 28/03/2008 12:42

Why would she tell you this if she didnt secretly think she has a problem with alcohol..

No suggestions as to what to do, but she might need some help

Miss Judgy pants again...

Original poster
Saveme · 28/03/2008 12:43

Oh God. I don't know what to do now. I mean, given the current circumstances they must be feeling shit enough. I'm not really close enough to her to speak to her about it, plus she has a bad temper and a tendency to fly off the handle when crossed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Saveme · 28/03/2008 12:45

(btw - she is technically my ex SIL, DH and I are separated, all the more reason to stay out of it I suppose).

OP posts:
FioFio · 28/03/2008 12:45

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alicet · 28/03/2008 13:04

Certainly sounds like she has a drink problem to me. Getting cross when questioned about it is one of the signs of that too - see CAGE questionaire to assess if you have a drink problem and apply it to her

I wouldn't be able to stop myself judging too although I think posters who say they will be doing enough of this on their own are right enough. And given your relationship may be better to stay out of it. And maybe mention something to exDH if you are genuinely worried about her and you think he would take it the right way

MrsMacaroon · 28/03/2008 13:45

she's probably a 'functioning alcoholic'... ie she manages to hold down a job/relationship whilst having a drink problem. Pretty much bugger all you can do about it besides express concern either to her or her DH. Even then you may be shot down and shunned for being the bearing of bad news. I have a friend who is a functioning alcoholic and she's recently started talking about having a baby. I never know what to say when we talk about it because I know she would be very hurt if I said how I really felt...maybe the MC will be a wake up call for your SIL but whatever happens, she'll have to have that realisation on her own. Very frustrating situation!

MarkStretch · 28/03/2008 13:49

That questionnaire is rubbish! It's only got 4 questions that could apply to anyone!

alicet · 28/03/2008 13:55

Markstretch that questionaire is not 'rubbish' it's a very well used and widely recognised questionaire to assess whether someone MIGHT have a drink problem

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