Feel like the least visible of the group

[Blusterydayslikethis]

Have a group of friends, we all meet fairly regularly, me less so as I have a chronic illness that flares up and I often miss events.
Met up at the weekend and everyone is lovely, but I really notice that a couple of people I don’t bond aswell with. For example, on leaving with one of my friends (the one I’m closest to) one other friend was hugging her for ages, saying they should catch up soon etc and I was just stood there, so ended up just walking off as I found it so awkward. If I say I’m going somewhere (with my kids) where this person has said they are (We do kid meets up the most) this person doesn’t acknowledge it or say we should meet up. We used to get on well, I’m thinking because I miss a few things (through no fault of my own) I’m just not part of things as much, just makes me feel low and like this person isn’t a great friend. I felt pretty o visible at our last meet up.

*As well
*Invisible

I feel like is there much point in me coming to meet ups. I feel I’m a friendly, kind person and a really good friend, but don’t feel appreciated 😔

Even on here too

I think you should maybe take a back seat from the group it sounds like you are becoming insecure and care a lot about it. Coincidentally I think people can actually feel the insecurity and don't feel comfortable around it so it can make things worse.

Maybe just go ahead doing your own things with your kids and getting your confidence back before you reintroduce yourself to the old group or even make some new ones?

@bottomsup12 I don’t give off that vibe, I just feel like this person who used to be so friendly to me before, isn’t as much anymore. It felt crap
to just stand there with no effort from her and her hugging all others and making plans

It’s just not nice as I’ve been ill too

I think it’s that you haven’t seen as much as them .. which I get isn’t your fault due to a chronic illness but also it’s not theres also…they may have formed tighter bonds as they catch up more regularly. Friendships are a two way street too….I’d keep seeing them as much as you can and if after a while the relationship still feels strained then take a step back

@PivotPivotmakingmargaritas Youre probably right, but I’d be more sensitive of the situation if I was the other person and just basically not bothering with me as much

The others in the group were great, I may just focus on them and meet up with them a bit

everyone is lovely, but I really notice that a couple of people I don’t bond aswell with

This is normal though. In any group of friends there will be people you are closer to, and people you have less of a bond with. That can be due to many reasons - having less in common, you being less present (as you've been ill) etc.. It's not necessarily malicious or a reflection on you (or them) as a person, it's just life.

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist It’s true, it just felt really crap to just be stood there and ignored, whilst so much praise and hugging was given to my other friend. We didn’t even end up
saying goodbye to each other, whereas everyone else did, she likely didn’t notice, just feels unfriendly. Would you just arrange to meet with a couple of the others?

I wouldn't back away from the group at all, none of them has done anything wrong and it sounds as if you are welcome there.

If you regularly can't go when they are doing things, then inevitably the others will develop stronger friendships. That is not malicious - people just need friends who are actually available to be friends and spend time with them. Hopefully one day you will be able to do that and pick up the old ties.

Would you just arrange to meet with a couple of the others?

I don't know how big the group is but one thing I wouldn't do is organise meet ups that exclude the person you are cross with. If you have the energy to socialise, I would continue to go to group outings until you feel more comfortable again.

She didn't say goodbye to you but did you say goodbye to her? I am assuming you didn't if you walked away when she was hugging the other friend goodbye. Perhaps she is picking up some vibes from you and she thinks you're not interested in her? Like you are doing the same with her?

If you like these people then keep meeting up, it will get better or it won't. If it doesn't then you can distance yourself but at least you'll know you tried.

@MissUltraViolet I was stood there the whole time as she was making a big fuss over and saying bye to others, it was awkward so I went with my Dd, I’d said goodbye to everyone else, either me approaching them or vice versa

I think I see your point. We've all been there - when a friend will give a warm, lovely hug to another friend standing next to us and perhaps, even make arrangements for a future meet up with them, whilst actively ignoring us. it does make you feel like a lemon, so I can understand your discomfort. It's tactless at best. I wouldn't let it affect you r other friendships though OP, don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

@BerryMess Yes it was exactly like that, but also in the group WhatsApp messages too, sort of ignoring/not acknowledging.
Would it be wrong to arrange to meet with the ones in the group I do feel closer to and who make more effort with me? I’d also attend all group meet ups too obviously

If it's a big group, then meeting separately with one or two others in between group meetups would be fairly normal. It certainly happens in the friendship groups I'm in.

But if the group is e.g. 4 people, and you want to arrange a meet up with 3 of you, but not this woman, that wouldn't come across well at all because you're excluding one specific person.

I wouldn't let this one woman get to you though. She is only one person - if you left the group because she is closer to others than you, it would be cutting off your nose to spite your face. The only person who'd lose out is you.

Whether you like it or not, there will always be people in a group who are closer to you or less close. Concentrate on the ones who you have a good bond with, because they're the ones who matter.

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist Theres 5 of us

And you want to arrange meetups excluding just 1 or 2 people? Just because this woman showed that she is closer to some of the others in the group?

There is no friendship group in the world where every member likes every other member exactly equally. If that's what you're after, it doesn't exist.

Maybe organise a few one on one catch ups with others you are close to but don’t organise a group thing and exclude her - yet- I don’t think that will work out well for you.

I really think you have just been out of the loop for a while and maybe just sit back and see what happens at the next couple of catch ups

It feels as though what you're expecting is unrealistic tbh.

If a friendship group is A, B, C, D & E:

A, B & D might live very close and therefore see each other a bit more often. Maybe their kids are all at the same school.
B, C and E might all really enjoy Pilates and go to the same Pilates class every week.
A and E might have a shared bond over a similar life circumstance and therefore naturally gel.
C & D might have gone to the same uni and are part of a separate mutual friendship group related to that.

None of that is malicious, or means that the wider friendship group isnt genuine, but there will be differing levels of closeness within the group by virtue of the fact that they are all individuals with different life experiences and interests.

I know it doesn't feel great if you don't feel part of a sub-group, but it's no reason to feel slighted, or to start excluding yourself from the wider group. What matters is that you are included when the group socialises together, which you are.

Yeah, coming back after a while away and then trying to exclude someone will backfire.

I wouldn’t be trying to exclude anyone deliberately as I hate that sort of thing myself and wouldn’t do it, but it seems to make sense to put more effort into people who make effort with me