I have DS approx 65% of the time - AIBU this ask STBXH for a contribution towards child maintenance

[Pinksparkles84]

STBXH and I broke up a few months ago. When we were together he gave me a monthly payment which just covered rent, bills, food and a bit towards DS afterschool club. I work 32 hours per week, he works full time. We earn about the same as each other now, although as he works in sales he sometimes gets a store bonus which means he probably earns more than me. I bought the majority of DS things in the past and if I’d ask STBXH for any extra money towards it, he would always say he only had enough money left for his petrol and wouldn’t give me any more money as he’d already given me enough at the beginning of the month and would always say I had to learn how to be better with money (he took out an IVA behind my back as he’d got himself into serious debt. He only came clean about it when I confronted him with letters I had intercepted).

when we split I said that it would be nice to get a monthly payment from him to contribute towards DS for after school club. He said that we should each buy our own things for DS and he would pay a monthly amount into the after school club account(he’s already failed to do this for next month as he was paid earlier this week). I’m scared to ask him about monthly maintenance as he already owes me £350 from the deposit on our rental (I moved out and he used our initial deposit for his deposit on the house we lived in). He feigned poverty saying he’d need to sell a kidney to pay me back and that he could only afford to give me £50 pm from next month saying with his increased bills by living by himself means he hasn’t got much (I am doubting whether he will pay, so I put a payment schedule together and asked him to commit to paying it back).

should he be paying money towards DS? He has DS 6 out of every 14 nights and I have DS every 8 out of 14 nights (but also it works out more as I have DS every Saturday day as STBXH works Saturdays). He never takes DS out on his days with him, he prefers to have a ‘lazy day’ and let DS play on his tablet all day, so he can sit around and watch sport and have some beers and eat takeaways.

i think he would get extremely difficult if I said that I did a child maintenance enquiry and saw he should pay around £130 pm. I’ve been putting it off to keep the peace. I would appreciate any suggestions.

That’s true, he knows how to manipulate me and make me feel sorry for him so that I back down. It’s not about him it’s about our son.

You're having a laugh because you are expecting him to consistently way to support his child... yeah... right...

He'll have more of a shock when you tell him the afterschool bill for 'his nights' are also his problem... as well as days off school on his time...

Don't back down. Don't cancel the CMS,let them chase it for him. This is your child's money.

Just want to point out that you thought he was going to owe around £150 from what you thought his income was. But when he put his actual figures in it apparently came out at £255. So he actually earns a heck of a lot more than he’s ever told you he does. Try plugging in some numbers until you can get the calculator to come up with £255 and see how much he actually earns. And he lets you pay the majority of DS’s expenses and taps you up for the pick ups and childcare so he can work. And he’s done that since before you broke up.

He’s a selfish, abusive shit, not a hard done by guy down on his luck.

I think I know what he means by 'amicable'.

"Don't ask me for anything, don't expect regular contributions."

It's irrelevant that you ended the relationship.

It's irrelevant that you're living with parents. But I suspect that moving into a new place means you'll need some new stuff for ds.

Sorry your parents aren't more supportive. I'm not sure why they feel he shouldn't support his son.

I hadn’t thought about that but it’s something that I needed to hear. It may have been that he’s had a payrise but hadn’t said anything to me (as he regularly would). He always used to say things like I had a higher earning power as I have a career which is progressing, whereas he’s Earning the most he’ll ever earn as he’s in sales (although they get a store bonus if they sell a lot, so his income is sometimes higher). When he ever used to earn more, he would always say it’s his (even though originally he said if he earned more he’ll put it into a joint savings account which he never did) or just not tell me until it came through on our joint universal credit! I think I just have to have a hard stance and not let him bully me. You’re right that he’s an abusive man.

So on that basis he is earning around £50,000 pa so to add context he has around £3200 a month take home after deductions to be needing to pay £255 a month on 156-174 nights or more (156 is 3days x52 weeks).

I'd now look at the associated costs. (Which will also put him off playing silly buggers and attempting to force 50/50 to avoid paying the maintenance).

⚽️ DS should not have to transfer anything between houses - he should have clothes, school uniform, toothbrush, pj's, teddy etc. At both houses. Hopefully he does the same weekdays at each house so for example if he goes to Cubs on a Tuesday he is always with you, or karate on a Thursday is always with dad. That will make specifics easier.

📚 He will also need to pay for afterschool etc on his days - speak to school ask them to set up a separate account for him (they are used to this!) And tell them which days he's responsible for.

⏰️ I'd also arrange a timing point for the start of each persons 24hr of responsibility for their 'night' so you might choose to handover at 9am, so that means that if you have ds sunday night, you are responsible for getting him to school on Monday (with his lunch!). But if dad has Monday night he takes any call from school after 9am to collect him, is responsible for afterschool club fees for Monday evening etc. It also means dad is responsible for any school holiday on his day from 9am etc. (You might want to think about the time point in terms of leaving for work etc. But 9am works for a friend who does 50/50 week on/off)

He is going to squeal about how unfair this is but just think about what YOU are paying out. You are going to need all your cash for your rental and ds. You parents might be supportive of him whilst they are supporting you but I doubt this will continue once you move.

Good luck OP. Stay strong!

He wants to discuss it later when he collects DS from my mums house. I’ve just redirected him to the child maintenance website and said that he’ll need to chat to them about it if he thinks the amount is wrong: part of me thinks he must be fibbing to make me feel sorry for him and forget the whole thing. I used to see his pay slips which said he earned £1,850pm but then he sometimes earned £2,000 pm if they got bonuses. Unless he had a bumper month in March and got loads of money (he was able to spend money on 2x dominoes one week so he must have spare cash).
He said he gets nothing from the government but was quite happy to take over the rental on our old house (which they upped by £150pm due to the new tenancy), so technically he’s a single guy living in a 3 bed house whilst I’m going to be renting a 2 bed flat which I can only just about afford on my salary alone. I think he thinks he can change my mind on it, but then he hasn’t come up with an alternative solution that means the costs will be shared. His thinking Is that it’s only clothes that DS needs but parenting costs are a lot more than that!

Keep an open mind? Could it be an adult chat? Because that could be helpful.

Or, does he have form for bullying type behaviour. Because if so, keep the conversation short.

You tried to have a discussion about cm. He wouldn't engage. That's why you went to cms.

It sounds like he's probably lied to you about his income. From your pp he's was dishonest when you were together, so that's not hard to imagine.

Perhaps he can't afford to live in a 3 bed house and needs to move.

Be prepared for when he wants to discuss it.
Have parrot phrases ready. Such as 'oh I see' or 'I wouldn't know about that' or 'I can't help with that, I'm looking for it to be simpler so we don't need to have tension on this' etc
Do not agree to negotiate, do not accept that whatever his bills or rental is is in anyway your responsibility. You do not need to discuss anything of his bills & commitments, they're his.
If you see he's getting irate just say shall we discuss this a different time? Let's wait & see what CMS come back with.
Also don't accept him trying to up his nights right now. Keep a detailed diary.
Right now it's all focus on your son. Just give yourself time & space, it'll help your anxiety too. You already know you make poor decisions when he's pressuring you, so you just need to keep on with the process. Let CMS deal with it. It will give you a bit of time & get yourself settled with all this upheaval.