I have DS approx 65% of the time - AIBU this ask STBXH for a contribution towards child maintenance

[Pinksparkles84]

STBXH and I broke up a few months ago. When we were together he gave me a monthly payment which just covered rent, bills, food and a bit towards DS afterschool club. I work 32 hours per week, he works full time. We earn about the same as each other now, although as he works in sales he sometimes gets a store bonus which means he probably earns more than me. I bought the majority of DS things in the past and if I’d ask STBXH for any extra money towards it, he would always say he only had enough money left for his petrol and wouldn’t give me any more money as he’d already given me enough at the beginning of the month and would always say I had to learn how to be better with money (he took out an IVA behind my back as he’d got himself into serious debt. He only came clean about it when I confronted him with letters I had intercepted).

when we split I said that it would be nice to get a monthly payment from him to contribute towards DS for after school club. He said that we should each buy our own things for DS and he would pay a monthly amount into the after school club account(he’s already failed to do this for next month as he was paid earlier this week). I’m scared to ask him about monthly maintenance as he already owes me £350 from the deposit on our rental (I moved out and he used our initial deposit for his deposit on the house we lived in). He feigned poverty saying he’d need to sell a kidney to pay me back and that he could only afford to give me £50 pm from next month saying with his increased bills by living by himself means he hasn’t got much (I am doubting whether he will pay, so I put a payment schedule together and asked him to commit to paying it back).

should he be paying money towards DS? He has DS 6 out of every 14 nights and I have DS every 8 out of 14 nights (but also it works out more as I have DS every Saturday day as STBXH works Saturdays). He never takes DS out on his days with him, he prefers to have a ‘lazy day’ and let DS play on his tablet all day, so he can sit around and watch sport and have some beers and eat takeaways.

i think he would get extremely difficult if I said that I did a child maintenance enquiry and saw he should pay around £130 pm. I’ve been putting it off to keep the peace. I would appreciate any suggestions.

What does the cm calculator say https://www.gov.uk/how-child-maintenance-is-worked-out

edit: sorry see you’ve worked this out. But if that’s what it says you are entitled to something so put the claim in

That’s what you’d be entitled to regardless of what he thinks

Thanks. I have done this and it says about £150pm. I’ve been avoiding approaching him about it as he’s been emotionally abusive in the past and quite controlling. I guess maybe I should just send this calculation through but I suspect it will anger him.

Tell him it’s that or you’ll push for it go through cms direct from his wages
get your facts together and speak to cms so you can present him with factual information and don’t get drawn into any conversations

Speak to CAB if you can too https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/children-and-young-people/child-maintenance1/getting-child-maintenance/applying-to-the-CMS-for-child-maintenance/

Some useful info here in the meantime

Who cares if it angers him? This is not money for you, it's for your ds. Let me guess, who buys uniform? Sports kit? Swimming lessons / football subs? Haircuts? Birthday party presents? The no of nights is often a red herring as to how costs are really divided.

Go very low contact, set up a separate email address or cheap PAYG phone for just him and block him on everything else. Send through the CMS calculation and ask him to comply within 30 days. If not, you will open a case and he can deal with them. It's not a threat, it's simply using the system that has been put in place to depersonalise the process. Yes they're shit and if he's awkward they may not chase effectively but you know you've taken the right steps and it can be backdated from the time you made he claim so he could end up with £££ in back payment owed. Do not dance to his tune.

If you don’t go through CMS he will always use money to control you. He will punish your perceived “bad behaviour” by withholding money and you will get nothing but breadcrumbs to keep you sweet and compliant.

Go through CMS. He will either ask for 50/50, or he’ll have to pay. Don’t let him control you. Keeping the peace is another phrase for doing exactly what he wants, even after you have split.

That’s a good point. I’ve always been the one to pay for these things - it was only last Christmas that he decided to put some money into buying DS some roblox (which he’d never done before). STBXH has recently bought DS a pair of school shoes and a few school jumpers but everything else is what I’ve bought or MIL has bought.

That’s a good point. I’ve always been the one to pay for these things - it was only last Christmas that he decided to put some money into buying DS some roblox (which he’d never done before). STBXH has recently bought DS a pair of school shoes and a few school jumpers but everything else is what I’ve bought or MIL has bought.

Go through CMS let them sort it for you, he was quite happy in contributing to making a child so he can contribute to their upbringing.

Don't let him fob you off with the old "I'll send over a set amount each month" shit story, he'll have you over a barrel and you'll see pittance but be made to feel its your worth.

Don't communicate with him about this, just notify CMS. It's money for your child. End of story.

I thought I’d give him the opportunity to come up with some sort of agreement as I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I said that his suggestion of us each buying the same thing for DS wouldn’t work in reality and it would inherently mean one parent (aka me) would be the one paying out the most. I sent a long email saying how much would he suggest giving me for DS each month. He said he wasn’t agreeing to that. He definitely has a way of making me feel guilty for his situation and that i was the one that ended the relationship so I should move out and now his bills are huge (he managed to pay for dominoes 2 nights in a row for DS mind you!)
i guess my only option is now applying for child maintenance! #letthebattlebegin 🤦‍♀️

You don’t need to approach him, if CMS say you’re entitled to something just put the claim in and let them deal with it.

However what he does on his days with DS is none of your business. Wether he has lazy days or days out that’s his choice

Hi
I think you need to look at what might he actually does - you had said it'd been agreed 6 & then said you do more than that in reality as he works Saturdays just be careful what you say & only work in facts.
Remember CMS deals in approx annual so if
in the last 3 months it's been actually 70% then say that. Be aware he will likely try to wangle it to 'seem like' he has him more to reduce the amount. Just keep to the facts & what's in reality, not with false promises.
Get the claim in, it removes or at least lessens those walking on eggshells feelings. Leave it to the CMS & remove all the opinion & conflict. He knows he can get you to back down. This was sent about you, this is about entitlement for your son.

His suggestion is that we each manage our own things we’ve brought for DS and that he won’t agree to give me any money - he said he’s bought a few school outfits for DS and that we should swap them between houses. I feel a bit as though I’m making a suggestion that will cause arguments between us but then it’s more because I’m scared of him and he does have DS 35% of the time.

You say he's already not paid into the school account?

He's notoriously bad at managing money.

Why do you think he's going to start paying for uniform/ shoes/school trips/extra curricular now??

Get onto cms. Make sure he's providing for his ds.

Regarding Saturdays, stop agreeing to have DS in the daytime if ex has him overnight. Just tell him pickups won't work anymore.

Thanks everyone for the responses. It gave me the confidence to apply for child maintenance which I don’t think I would have done as I would have tried to justify him not paying to ‘keep the peace’ and going with his idea of paying for things as DS needs it (which would ultimately mean me having to beg for money and being told that items I bought weren’t necessary!) I don’t really know where these men get off with the sob stories and fobbing us off!

@Pinksparkles84 who cares what his financial situation is, you aren't a couple any longer and its not your problem. Let him sell that kidney. Make sure he pays what he owes his son! He can either cough up as soon as he gets paid so its a priority, or he can have the hassle of cms on his back!

I’ve been quite triggered today and fed straight into the drama triangle as I’m feeling bad for him (I spoke to my parents about it all earlier and they said that they feel sorry for him despite what he’s done!) I know I’m entitled to claim child maintenance but I’d like to share the updated story as I wrote back to say that maybe we could come to some private arrangement. I’m not too sure what to say back (if anything)!

He has had DS 3 out of the 7 nights this week so I can see his point but when I asked for any suggestions on how to manage DS money he said we’d do it as and when. I thought they would come back to say he needed to contribute £80-£100. I feel so bad and my anxiety is super high as I feel like the bad guy. 😭

I hate all this stupid abbreviations.

What does STBXH mean pl???

It means soon to be x husband.

Also to put into context he took over the tenancy on our place and I’m living at home with mum and dad (although I’m move into my own place next month).

Why are you using his views as a source of fact? Why are his circumstances more important than yours in your eyes right now?
Maintenance is a primary bill/debt that he is responsible for.
Of course he'd tell you 'it's unbelievable' & put you under pressure to back down. I mean, you do don't you? It's a well worn tactic I'd say.
Would he be sending a text to British Gas to say 'I'll only pay 20% of your bill this month' No he wouldn't. It's fixed. It's what is owed. To your children.
It's the same with this maintenance bill. It's taking the 'private negotiations' out of it, as it sounds like that's stressful for you & he can walk all over you & also promise 'as & when' which from what you say equals never or begrudgingly with a dollop of guilt.
Leaving it to child maintenance service means he doesn't need to tell you how much he earns, the HMRC will objectively review his earnings, from his wage info & they will determine the minimum of what he ought to pay. It takes away emotions (& him playing hardball on you).
If your parents were feeling a bit sorry for him, it's likely it's from info of what you're telling them, as you too are seeming to be on his side. You need to be on your & your DC side. What does your household need to get by & have a thriving family life? Ignore what his situation is. His affairs are not your concern.
Associated to this what you need to look at in terms of shared care is not what he's done this week overnight (it's holidays) but what he does (not promises) annually.