In laws want weekly visits, AIBU?

[Stressedmum223]

Name changed for this. My husband and I have 2 very young children. His parents, who live nearby, expect to see us at least once a week but preferably more. We’ve tried to explain that we are not available every week, but they send my husband barrages of text messages demanding visits.

They act incredibly affronted and angry that we aren’t available at their beck and call, and infantilise my husband when he tries to establish boundaries. Are we the unreasonable ones here? I would have thought seeing them twice a month was still frequent, but in their mind and actual words we are keeping them from their grandchildren.

We aren’t close with them at all, and IMO they treat their own son quite poorly. He doesn’t like them very much, but we both want them to have a relationship with our children.

YABU - You should see your in laws every week or more
YANBU - It’s fine to see your in laws every other week

Yes, you’ve made your opinion well known!

I’m not desperate at all. My child loves them, so right now I don’t see a reason to cut them off. (Other child is a baby, so they are indifferent.)

They provide no childcare. I’m on maternity leave. They will provide no childcare when I return to work later this year. I’m finding your contributions pretty odd.

Me too. @pitchfever is one of those posters 🙄

Oh, good to know 😂

It sounds like you and your husband are on the same page, which is good. You just have to maintain your boundaries and ignore their drama.

Eventually though they will treat the children like they treat their son.

Ive seen it in my own family. You need to set a boundary.

I would still ask about porting that mortgage to find out if you can port it. If you find out you could have done it and moved sooner you might be kicking yourselves.

I do think you are in a bit of denial. We teach people how to treat us, they ignore you, you accept that. Your older child sees that. They could copy that thinking that you can be ignored. And yes, that happened in my family with that toxic grandmother and my older sister. Behaviour is copied. It might not have happened yet but if you stand for it and don't address it it could become an issue.

You describe them as toxic but still want toxic people around your child because your child loves them. Your job as a parent it to protect your child, it doesn't matter that they are lovely to them when up openly acknowledge that they are horrid to you and your Dh.

i see my in laws nearly every day because they take care of my little boy when i'm at work. They are amazing to be honest. On the weeks i'm on holiday we go to theirs once a week for dinner.

That being said if they are not nice people and you don't like them then don't see them...but it's up to your dh to deal with that

It’s bizarre that you regularly take your child to see 2 adults who treat your husband so poorly. You’re on borrowed time before these people damage your children too. I do not understand people who allow unsuitable adults to have access to their children because of DNA. It’s even stranger that you h hasn’t blocked or muted his mum’s texts. She is clearly a bully yet you and your h allow your child to innocently form an attachment to this bully.

Leaving those serious issues aside how long is a visit and is it at a time of day that suits you? A cup of tea first thing in the morning is probably less intrusive than meeting after lunch for a few hours but tweaking visits to suit your family is probably not possible as you and your h sound very passive. If you’re expected to spend whole days then every other week is plenty.

My mum is 50 and works part time and thinks we should all be running round after her while we work full time and have kids because she's too tired from work.

Ha! Your Mum is taking the piss (or possibly having a hard time with the menopause). I'm 53 and work FT and have 3DC at school (including one at primary). You and/or your Mum had children young, many parents on here will have elderly parents (e.g. MIL is 87 and has dementia) who really are becoming less able and do need help with everyday tasks.

@Stressedmum223 I think since your DH doesn't really get on with his parents then it's not surprising you don't want to spend time with them. All you can do is ignore the pressure, stick to your boundaries and save hard so you can move away. Although you'll then have the hell of the family holiday to visit the Grandparents.

TBF if my children lived close to me in adulthood I'd want to see them regularly, e.g. my Mum sees my brother and sister several times a week, they are always popping in and out of each other's houses. But they are less than 5 minutes walk away and it's all very informal and everyone gets on. So I think it's a reasonable expectation but where your ILs have fallen down is in not having a good adult relationship with their son.

Oh, I’m not passive. They hate me because I’m pretty blunt with them. My husband though is neurodivergent and prefers to ignore them, and last year I decided to no longer be the communicator with them as I hated it. So all communication goes through DH. When he challenges them, they act worse. So it feels like there is no reasoning with them — they don’t see reason. It’s FIL who sends the majority of texts, but you are correct that MIL is a bully. She treated me appallingly when I was pregnant with DC1.

Visits are a few hours. We have nothing in common so it’s quite awkward, and they can’t give any attention to the baby if DC1 is around — they’re laser focused on him.

As for spending time at their home or eating their cooking… their house is filthy. They do not clean it. We don’t want to spend time there for that and some other reasons (not going into detail here as don’t want to out myself). It also isn’t safe for small children unsupervised so I would not leave my children there”

Completely get this. Our kids are grown now but I won’t stay at my parents’ house now for the same reason. I visit but stay in a PI nearby. Hygiene has never been great but it’s awful now.

That’s reason enough not to go.

I can't imagine allowing my children around such toxic people.

Our boy sees both sets of grandparents once a week but both sets are very respectful of visiting when it's convenient for us, and will make the trip to see us rather than the other way round, they each tend to stay a couple of hours or so. DP's parents don't like coming empty handed so always bring cake, nappies and my favourite yoghurts! So on this basis I'm really happy with weekly visits but if we had a situation like yours I would definitely be restricting visits!

We see our in laws a lot, mostly as they help with childcare. But we have a good relationship and do enjoy spending time together. in your scenario, I can't see how you'd want to spend time with them if they don't treat their son well.

Thanks for all the replies so far. Both DH and I feel sorry for his parents due to the poor health of his mum, and I think this has clouded our judgment on visit frequency, their behaviour, etc. I’ve also had two kids in three years, so have been a bit busy with pregnancy and childbirth. Ha.

That said, I feel like we’ve been more than accommodating, and going forward I’ll feel far less guilt when we say no to their constant requests to see our children. It’s sad but I don’t think our relationship will ever improve. They certainly blame me for their poor relationship with DH, but they’ve never had a good one with him — I’m just a convenient excuse.

I should also say that their insane behaviour really ramped up once we had DC1. They have always been a bit overbearing and annoying, but the nastiness has really come out since they became grandparents. It’s been very strange to experience.

I would love to be manhandled by Jason Statham weekly but I can't demand it happens. Leave them to sulk in squalor op. And maybe focus on why you want these people in your dc's lives.

YADNBU They sound terrifying and from what you've said here, like they could potentially bring a bit of emotional harm to your DC. Terrifying

Yes keep your boundaries tight. They forget how busy life got op.. living too close can get tricky too. They sound like my mother quite demanding!

I’m not keen at all. I can’t stand them. But I don’t think I have to like my in laws in order for my children to have a relationship with them.

This is what my dh parents were like, I say were but they probably haven't changed, there's a reason we wouldn't know.