For questioning attending friend’s wedding

[mhn]

So…
our friends are getting married abroad next year. Since they announced the wedding we’ve fallen pregnant with our second child which obviously adds additional financial pressures.
we’ve priced up the alternative of just my partner going, however it’s still coming up as £1300 for just 3 nights (have looked at everything and this is legitimately the cheapest we can make it).
am I being unreasonable for thinking this amount of money is crazy? We have a baby on the way, I will be on maternity leave (less money!), not to add we already have some credit card debt (nothing crazy at all but still). We still need to buy lots of baby things and we haven’t had our own family holiday for 4 years because we’ve not been able to justify the cost. obviously there will be the cost of the stag do as well.
my partner is throwing a strop about the whole thing, very much a stroppy “I just won’t go then” instead of a reasonable adult discussion. Am I going mad?

I wouldn't go in your circumstances, no.

Have you asked your partner why he would rather spend this money on attending a wedding for three days rather than on his own family?

You haven't had a family holiday in 4 years and he's happy to blow 1.3k on just him going for 3 days?

Nice man you've got there.

I’ve tried to approach it like this… I think a lot of it is guilt and worrying how he’d explain it to his friend. Personally I think If you’ve planned a wedding abroad you should be prepared for these outcomes!

Love him to bits but yep that’s my thoughts too! 😂

Why is he more worried about disappointing his friend than disappointing you?

His friend should understand that not everyone can go to a destination wedding.

If you can't afford a trip for all you, then absolutely fair to refuse. Stag do too.

Nope. I wouldn't be going. You have the best excuse in the world and nobody reasonable would begrudge you a thanks, but no thanks. Your partner needs to pull his head out his arse and explain this to his mate. Perhaps he could still go on the stag do.

I can understand that if this is a close friend then he would want to make the wedding which is a one off event. But I also agree it’s just too much money. Can he not share a room with someone? He could just do the stag.

That seems like a crazy amount considering (I'm assuming as it's for 3 days) it's short haul. Or is it somewhere ridiculously expensive like Lake Como?
Is the friend his best friend? If so, I would prob be trying to find a way. If it's just a 'normal' friend then sod that

You are carrying credit card debt. That alone should be enough to make considering attending the wedding a non-starter. You can’t afford the trip if you have debts to pay off.

add in a new baby and maternity leave, and it’s just ridiculous you are even having the conversation.

He sounds like a spoiled child
and very similar to how my dh has acted in the past! I don’t know why they can’t have some common sense but think it’s because they feel badly done to instead of seeing the bigger picture
there’s no way I’d consider it in your situation

my partner is throwing a strop about the whole thing, very much a stroppy “I just won’t go then

"Yes that's probably best unless you want to take on extra work/reduce your discretionary spend elsewhere to save for it"

If you can’t afford it, neither of you should go, simple as that. But if he’s a close friend I’d look at how to make it happen - particularly if they formed out to come to yours?

Is there anything to discuss? I mean he's said he won't go. Yes he's been stroppy about it I imagine he's feeling like he's not earning enough if he can't afford to go or something like that. He's allowed to be disappointed he can't go but he should just be saying ah yeah I can't go can I, that's a shame.

We’re not engaged/married… which again, we have open conversations about this, with him saying “you know I want engagement but it’s the money” 🙄

This price is with a shared room PLUS the shittest flights which is crazy!

You’ve got existing debt, a baby on the way and haven’t yet got stuff for their arrival. So no, it’s madness to go. The king himself could summon you abroad but if the math don’t work out, it don’t work out.

It’s fine to be disappointed but these destination weddings MUST surely be planned knowing many guests will likely not be able to attend?

What’s not acceptable is your partner to make it out like it’s your fault and sulk at you. I assume it took two to tango and the baby isn’t immaculately conceived so why he’s throwing a strop at you is a bit rich. You’re carrying his child not entombing him in a crypt - he could maybe be more mindful of the family you’ve created and the fact you all might like to prioritise time away together in future but mostly not adding to your debts instead of pining after his mate and his outlandish wedding.

(And yeah, £1.3k for a single person to attend is a dick move of a wedding destination unless you’re all very affluent tbh

YANBU and I'd be putting my foot down. He definitely wouldn't be going.

If he’s trying to guilt you into “letting” him go just shut him down.

ie: him: “I just won’t go then!”
You: “No indeed”.

End of discussion. Let him sulk. He sounds like a child.

Oooh I'd be LIVID. Have you considered splitting and claiming cms off him?

"You would rather attend their wedding than us get engaged?"

Fuck sake, he can piss right off then. That 1.3k could go towards a lovely engagement ring, not a three day holiday for one. Wanker.

Sorry he sounds like a total waste of space.

You've not had your own family holiday for 4 years. Why on earth would you spend money you haven't really got on sending your husband on a holiday someone else has decided they're having?

I wouldn’t go in your circumstances.
I had my wedding abroad and understood our friends not attending as they had their little girl in between the time the save the dates went out & the wedding. Still really close to them now. If they are good friends they’d understand that not everyone can attend a destination wedding.
The bigger problem is your husband’s attitude to it. Hopefully he will get over it but maybe he can compromise and see his friend for a say of golf or whatever hobby after the wedding. Good luck @mhn