How rude is waving / summoning waiting staff?

[Passionfruitsoda]

In a busy cafe, staff are not actually attentive, they are polite though, but friend/colleague is also impatient.

She waves people over but in a friendly, smiling way. So not aggressive or intentionally rude.

I feel it's rude and I find it embarrassing. But I'm quite sensitive to these things.

I do finde the assumptions here interesting. It definitely seems it's the most negative interpretation. I'm not sure I said I'd go up without doing anything else first. I agree this would be rude. However if they haven't seen you then how do the staff know how much effort you've made to attract their attention?

I'd say raising your hand a bit and saying excuse me, or just kind of turning to look for eye contact does the trick.
They need to see people and if they're not very experienced or busy or their management sucks then the customer needs to show they need something.
I'd probably go to the bar if it was a pub. But plenty restaurant don't have a manned bar. Many people would struggle to feel they were getting good service if they had to go and take a walk looking for staff.
You're not rude though. Some people can be rude and snap at waiters, but if you need something and noone is forthcoming then I'm not sitting there parched/ hungry for ever! A polite smile and hand raise is fine.

It’s less rude than inattentive service

I wonder if I can ask another question about my apperently lack of social understanding.
Using the example above. I think the tone in this is rude, due to the three question marks and the binary opinion which seems to deliberately ignore what I thought was the most common way to get attention which is eye contact. I also don't understand why anyone would feel strongly enough about something like this, framed in this way where I ask a genuine question, why they'd be in snarky.

But it does seem to me there are several replies in the spirit. Like wtf do you want, what would you do then type tone. I'm also aware of people saying they weren't rude when pulled up on threads. So am I actually reading this wrong in thinking a reply like this is a bit rude? As this thread has made me think I'm not very attuned to what is actually rude. It's making me wonder if I'm just a bit of a push over because of this.

You actually said you would look over or go up to where they are standing.

"Looking over" is highly unlikely to encourage a waiter to come to you so nobody is making assumptions about you, they are responding to what you have told them you would do.

It's rude to approach waiting staff unless you have tried everything else first. Your friend is entirely reasonable, proportionate and usual in her approach. Do you need anyone else to tell you the same thing?

I said quite a few time I accept that. Looking over means making eye contact to me. Apologies if that isn't the accepted meaning and I was unclear.

Can I please ask why you feel strongly enough to be rude to me about this? Is it just that you can? Do you not feel this is rude and unkind? I think we've definitely established I'm not doing well with my social interactions so perhaps I don't know much. But I'm honestly failing to understand why somone would feel the need to be rude to a poster asking for genuine opinions and also accepting they may not know what is OK or not. I think this is what I mean about assuming the worst. I just can't imagine somone trying to work something out and then asking them do you need anyone else to tell you the same thing. But we have established my interactions are in fact not normal! It just feels like an unkind and unpleasant way to communicate.

This post and my evident lack of understanding of normal or not has been a hard one and very upsetting. I'm sure these things are normal and inconsequential to many. But it is definitely hard when you realise you have been not getting the social rules quite right. I'm never deliberately unkind and I think I'd hope with being honest I'd get a bit more understanding back. Thanks for your input pp's. Mumsnet is indeed not for me.

I don't think anyone is being rude. We have all given you honest opinions which is presumably what you came onto an Internet forum for.

You started a thread saying you found someone else's behaviour "rude and embarrassing". Judging someone else's behaviour isn't particularly kind either.

With kindness I think perhaps your difficulty in working out what's socially acceptable has made you very sensitive and overly reactive to your responses on here.

Expressing a feeling isn't a judgment. Finding something rude and embarrassing is my feeling not my judgement. I'd rather be over sensitive than going out of my way to be unkind to people asking for help online. I think in the nicest way it's worth reflecting on your motivations for that.

Imo happy people don't try to make others feel like shit. So good luck with that.

I think making eye contact is fine, but so is drawing attention to yourself with a raised arm or a quick 'excuse me' if you haven't managed to make eye contact within a relatively short period of time.

Rudeness would be sighing, huffing, snarky comments, clicking fingers etc although sometimes just down to tone of voice.

You seem quite attuned to how this is being perceived - have you ever seen waiting staff rolling their eyes or sighing when your friend has been trying to get their attention? If not, then it sounds like you both have different but equally valid approaches (although I do agree that going to the counter would probably be my last resort, but that may be laziness on my part!) and I don't think you need to worry that she's overdoing it.

I hope that helps, and for what it's worth, I completely see what you mean about some of the responses on this thread. Considering you politely asked for help understanding a nuanced social interaction, I think some posters have been necessarily combative and abrupt. So you're not wrong about that either.

No you're not reading it wrong.

It's sarcasm...and it's habit-forming.

Garçon!

Garçon means boy

I bring my campfire and a blanket to catch their eye with smoke signals.

It's a little more intrusive than waving, but people enjoy the marshmallows :)

Smiling wave
Catch their eye
All good
Followed up with a thank you

I was a waitress for years. there's a world of difference between someone who waves with a smile and eye contact to let you know they need service, and the kind of tosser who clicks their fingers in the air to summon a servant.

How else are we supposed to know people need service?

Having read several of your comments you do seem to be looking for offence, not just in respect of your friend but from several posters.

There is nothing wrong with a smily wave if you need to catch someone's eye. Maybe you are missing tone but there is a world of difference between a friendly handwave with a smile plus subsequent thank you, and with clicking fingers, napkin waving etc

The word also refers to a waiter in a French restaurant. Surely you know that?

As long as shes not sat there huffing and puffing clicking her fingers with a cross look on her face! A little smiley wave is how you do it op

As an aside I saw some footage of the Queen yesterday at some do she was hosting summoning a member of staff over as the person she was speaking with (Ronald Reagan) wanted a coffee but wanted decaff. She did it with a kind of arm outstretched waggle of the fingers like a wave, rubbing fingers together but not clicking. Arm low though not in the air.

Think it would only work though if you were standing up which they were and also if you were the Queen and the waiting staff were employed by you!

Some neurodivergent folks find making eye contact very difficult- there is nothing wrong with waving your hand to attract attention from the staff
clicking fingers or shouting “waiter” l would consider rude.

I think any approach is fine - either wait until they are walking past and "grab" them (but often they just don't walk past when you want them to!) or wave, or go up to the bar/counter and ask for the bill/extra drink or whatever.

I hate having to wait to pay, so I don't care if someone thinks I am rude to go over to the counter to ask for the bill.

I agree - in effect it's saying they're not capable of doing their job

As long as it's done nicely I see nothing wrong with a cheery wave, but with really good wait staff you wouldn't need to; the best of them seem almost psychic

How else will she get their attention? Esp if they're not over atrentive. It's not rude at all, just politely assertive. I don't know what else she's supposed to do? I mean, what do you do if you need service?

So in general, a little rude.

If your friend goes straight to summoning the service staff without waiting, that is rude. However, if you have waited for service and have not been able to catch the staff and are left waiting around, a smiley wave is fine. It should signal to the staff that they have not been attentive and they should be embarrassed that it was necessary.

If someone were left waiting repeatedly and had to do this multiple times in a meal, it would have to be because the service is very poor — in which case the customer should be asking to speak to a manager or shift leader to address this.