Me and my partner have been together nearly 8 years. He has always had a very ‘close’ relationship with his mum- not deep close as in purely surface level, she could not tell you the names of his friends, significant moments of his life, his favourite music/food, his deepest dreams and goals. Close purely in the talking every single day, upset if not responded to within minutes kind of clinginess.
I always felt like she never liked me from the offset because I didn’t reply to the 20+ texts in a row. She used to assert her dominance over him by randomly showing up at his house and entering (with her own key), walking in on me in bed and randomly decorating his house when we were not home. If I had left jewellery on the kitchen counter, it would be ‘missing’ when I returned home albeit to a clean kitchen. Notable occurrence was a taxidermy figure displayed in the hall when I arrived home one day.
When he worked away for a long period of time, she used to complain and hate when he would come home and want to see me or his friends instead of spending time with her - even though he was only home for 1.5 days then away again, very fleeting visits.
Covid was a blessing for us as we had a valid reason not to see her, since she always caused a huge stress, made passive aggressive comments and general headache. Over the years she has become significantly more dependent with age, however she gets around no problem but likes to ‘call upon’ her precious son to do tasks for her immediately. Doing it later when he was free was never an option
Fast forward to now, we have great jobs, our dream home - which they do NOT have a key to - a gorgeous little toddler and a few pets. LIFE IS GOOD. Except for the in-laws (MIL specifically!) There are times where we need their help with a few things and sometimes they come without strings but almost always there’s visits attached, which I oblige and sit and listen to their stories for hours. They are completely uninterested in anyone but themselves and generally spend most of the time complaining about the other family in their life. Because of this we rarely see them, maybe once every few weeks, as it takes a lot out of us who work full time and lead busy lives. This is not good enough for them and they always complain it’s not enough.
On the occasions where they have been in our company, she has made horribly insulting comments - about my 5 month old child’s weight, saying they are fat and need to wear dark colours to appear more slimming, shaming or showing next to no interest as they grow up and try to engage with their grandparents. ‘Oh they are nearly crawling’, ‘maybe they will start talking properly soon’. All the while my child is actively ahead for their age and happily trying to get their grandparents attention.
I would rather my child did not have to be in the presence of these harmful negative comments and people however they are still my partners parents.
Recently my MIL accidentally sent a voice note to my partner, where she is complaining about me and my family to random people in her community group, and saying that ‘her friend tells her that her son needs to get some balls and come to her house on his own with the grandchild more often’. This has obviously caused a lot of upset for my partner to hear, I always knew she had a nasty streak but masked it behind this ‘innocent little bird’ act. But it’s now clear as day the way she speaks about her family.
Part of me is not surprised but I’m in disbelief that she insists on sharing this cruel lies about her sons own family when they are invited around most weeks and choose not to come because they have more important things to do with their community group. They also couldn’t possibly believe their son doesn’t want to see them and it must all be me.
Where do I go from here? I’m torn between being the bigger person and not allowing her to make me look like the bad guy by refusing her any more access to my son without my presence. And just being done with the whole situation, it’s so horrible feeling this way and I feel so sorry for my partner growing up with such self absorbed parents. We are incredibly lucky to have an amazing support network in my family but how would you approach the MIL?
Really appreciate your advice x