Should I be the bigger person or cut off MIL?

[ThatCandidTraybake]

Me and my partner have been together nearly 8 years. He has always had a very ‘close’ relationship with his mum- not deep close as in purely surface level, she could not tell you the names of his friends, significant moments of his life, his favourite music/food, his deepest dreams and goals. Close purely in the talking every single day, upset if not responded to within minutes kind of clinginess.

I always felt like she never liked me from the offset because I didn’t reply to the 20+ texts in a row. She used to assert her dominance over him by randomly showing up at his house and entering (with her own key), walking in on me in bed and randomly decorating his house when we were not home. If I had left jewellery on the kitchen counter, it would be ‘missing’ when I returned home albeit to a clean kitchen. Notable occurrence was a taxidermy figure displayed in the hall when I arrived home one day.

When he worked away for a long period of time, she used to complain and hate when he would come home and want to see me or his friends instead of spending time with her - even though he was only home for 1.5 days then away again, very fleeting visits.

Covid was a blessing for us as we had a valid reason not to see her, since she always caused a huge stress, made passive aggressive comments and general headache. Over the years she has become significantly more dependent with age, however she gets around no problem but likes to ‘call upon’ her precious son to do tasks for her immediately. Doing it later when he was free was never an option

Fast forward to now, we have great jobs, our dream home - which they do NOT have a key to - a gorgeous little toddler and a few pets. LIFE IS GOOD. Except for the in-laws (MIL specifically!) There are times where we need their help with a few things and sometimes they come without strings but almost always there’s visits attached, which I oblige and sit and listen to their stories for hours. They are completely uninterested in anyone but themselves and generally spend most of the time complaining about the other family in their life. Because of this we rarely see them, maybe once every few weeks, as it takes a lot out of us who work full time and lead busy lives. This is not good enough for them and they always complain it’s not enough.

On the occasions where they have been in our company, she has made horribly insulting comments - about my 5 month old child’s weight, saying they are fat and need to wear dark colours to appear more slimming, shaming or showing next to no interest as they grow up and try to engage with their grandparents. ‘Oh they are nearly crawling’, ‘maybe they will start talking properly soon’. All the while my child is actively ahead for their age and happily trying to get their grandparents attention.

I would rather my child did not have to be in the presence of these harmful negative comments and people however they are still my partners parents.

Recently my MIL accidentally sent a voice note to my partner, where she is complaining about me and my family to random people in her community group, and saying that ‘her friend tells her that her son needs to get some balls and come to her house on his own with the grandchild more often’. This has obviously caused a lot of upset for my partner to hear, I always knew she had a nasty streak but masked it behind this ‘innocent little bird’ act. But it’s now clear as day the way she speaks about her family.

Part of me is not surprised but I’m in disbelief that she insists on sharing this cruel lies about her sons own family when they are invited around most weeks and choose not to come because they have more important things to do with their community group. They also couldn’t possibly believe their son doesn’t want to see them and it must all be me.

Where do I go from here? I’m torn between being the bigger person and not allowing her to make me look like the bad guy by refusing her any more access to my son without my presence. And just being done with the whole situation, it’s so horrible feeling this way and I feel so sorry for my partner growing up with such self absorbed parents. We are incredibly lucky to have an amazing support network in my family but how would you approach the MIL?

Really appreciate your advice x

not sure if it’s a generational thing saying very blunt things that not acceptable now?
No it is not! A rude person is rude at any age. I hate this stuff we get on MN, “people of that generation just talk like that” etc. Your MIL is appalling, and batshit - saying that a 5 month old little baby is fat and needs to wear dark clothes that are more “slimming”?!

1 now, the comments about weight were made when they were 5 months. Saying we fed them too much milk and made them fat, then even now if ILs are visiting at mealtimes there are always comments about eating too much. After that first occurrence when baby was 5mo that hit me like a ton of bricks I have always called them out on it (they’re a rapidly growing child! Need food for sustenance) - they don’t usually like or backtrack on the comments…

In this kind of situation, I always try to avoid making big decisions immediately. I think it's fine to ask for some space to think, but making major long-term decisions is likely to end badly.

Take some time, talk to your husband about how you want to move forward and make sure that you agree on exactly what each of you will do. That might be reducing contact, cutting contact altogether, or something else. I suspect that you will enjoy your period of peace and not want to go back to having contact with them, but who knows?

So you're happy to demand things of them but should they turn to their son for anything, you're not happy?

I will not have MIL in my house after boundaries were breached too many times.
Being the better person is not a relevant concept in this situation. You’re not being the better person by holding your tongue, you’re just allowing her to assert her dominance because it’s easier than causing her upset.
I think men with mothers like this ask us to ‘be the better person” but what they really mean is “don’t rock the boat.”

Seems like a lot of drama about very little.🙄

Family are hard, i love the surprise taxidermy!! But in the end they give meaning to our lives. Could she be adhd, nd, etc ?

Baffled at this response.

The first time she fat shamed a literal baby should have been the last time you saw her, people like your mil don’t change she’ll never accept you, or your child and honestly for your and your child’s happiness I’d refuse to see them ever again.

Marry him, that’ll piss her and off even more 😂😂

Just pie them off.
Don’t ask for their help anymore.
Dh can have a relationship with his parents where he goes and sees them without you.

She sounds difficult, but... You are offended because she is speaking negatively about you to others. You are also doing that to her, albeit we don't know who she is. Have you ever discussed her with your friends?

I think everyone needs to offload sometimes, it's just unfortunate you heard it. Try to forgive and forget.

Though I would think up a few choice retorts when she suggests the baby should be wearing slimming colours!

I’ve just refused access to my in laws, I had lots of abuse and they are trying to gas light my husband as they have done for years. I’ve told him if he wants to see them he can go there as can’t control him, however I’ve also said they are not welcome here. They’ve not taken it well but I wish I had done it 2 years ago. Some people are not worth repeatedly worth trying with. I’ve never asked them for anything other than respect so they have nothing to accuse me of that’s not lies. Make sure everything is clear your side so they can’t accuse you of anything and make sure you provide a valid reason which you can repeatedly back up. My husband keeps trying to look at it from their point of view but ultimately has now seen their true colours.

This

I’m baffled at your thought processes.

You ask for help but dread spending time with them. Asking for help from her encourages her to treat you and your h as young children.
You think that pretending that you didn’t hear her voicenote is “kindness when she’s treating you like a doormat and wiping her muddy feet on you.
She says things like your 5 month old is fat and makes comments about how much they eat yet you allow contact with your child?

I am not saying that your MIL is behaving reasonably but you have no control over her behaviour and can only control yours. You and your h are the parents here and should at least be protecting your child who should be able to enjoy their food in peace and not grow up worried about their looks. Your h may not be ready to take steps but you need to look out for your child imo because no grandparent is better than toxic grandparent.

This is just another wind them up and watch them froth thread.

Update:

my partner spoke to his mum about her voice note and said it wasn’t nice hearing her tell her community group he needs to grow a pair of balls, and talk badly about his family. She was very apologetic and blamed not seeing her grandchild often enough. To which he replied she is invited round most weeks and refuses - she said they want to just pop in whenever they want not be given a day/time…

I was really proud of him communicating with her as usually he waits until they leave to voice all his issues to me, which obviously makes me look like the bad guy when he never says his peace to their faces. He also brought up whenever they do visit they barely show any interest in grandchild and spend the whole time just talking (about themselves), so if they are going to complain to others about missing the GC they need to actually spend quality time with them.

overall things are much more positive now, I wrote this post in an immediate reaction of upset they were talking so poorly about their own son and family, don’t want to be naive and expect things to change overnight but I’m glad the whole situation happened as it allowed my partner to stick up for himself and have really honest conversation with his mum about boundaries and expectations

To add… we both agreed that any harmful comments made need to be cut off immediately when said. It needs to come from him primarily, as they brush me off 99% of the time however it’s both of us as a united front

I personally don’t think these things should need to be reiterated in the first place not to bring up anyone’s weight, appearance or rude comments but they need to be called out more severely - which we have both admitted we will be taking seriously when they happen again.

Honestly don’t understand your point. Your FIL was horrid and sometimes we have to cut toxic people out of our lives, and our children’s for that matter. If someone was that bad, I wouldn’t think twice about limiting or cutting off contact. Trauma is real, and I wouldn’t hesitate stopping someone inflicting it on my family. Why would you spend years trying to get your husband to rebuild his relationship with his dad?! The mind boggles. It is never the ‘childs’ fault when contact with a toxic parent is cut off. It may be their choice but it’s not their fault and it is down to the parent to repair.

I was thinking this too. OP has virtually cut MIL out of their lives anyway.

I had a lovely MIL but my father in law was a nightmare and sounds v similar to your MIL. If you are going to maintain a relationship you have to be tough. Dont ignore dispaging comments countrr them immediately and repeat. Do says your chold is fat tell her thats shes being rude and that your child is well within the normal perventiles and repeat if challenged. My husband used to take the kids at the weekend. FiL wouls say thing like what has she chucked you out so she can relax. My husband used to say "she doesnt want to waste the weekend seeing you" and lauhh. We saw them on family occasions . We used to laugh about him. When FIL realised we wernt going to play he became a lot more managable. Glad your husband is on ur side. Dont worry about it, small part of your life. Who cares what their friends think. Good luck.

Of course it's not acceptable op!!

Dreadful behaviour and no one is making her say horrid things or move your stuff around etc.
Commenting on on the child is not OK.

It call sounds good incredibly negative and toxic

I had to stop contact with my MIL, she tried to destroy my life and even told our daughter that my husband’s ex wife was better at this, that and the other. The ex wife whose life she tried to destroy when they were together! But then became bosom buddies in this attempt at destruction. My husband still visited on his own but they were shorter and shorter and as soon as she started with her nastiness, he would leave. Practically her whole family cut her off one by one as she was always trying to stir trouble. I didn’t shed a tear when she died and was told her behaviour was because she was old and ill. I replied ‘she’s been old and ill all her life then?’ My FIL by contrast was one of the loveliest people you could ever meet and I would have happily spent time every day with him. Do what is right for you and your family and don’t get sucked in. I wish you all the best

Honestly, OP, you complain about your DH not actual speaking to his parents about their behaviour, but don’t sound good at being direct yourself either. For instance, did you ask why your MIL apparently stole your jewellery and your taxidermy? Did you get them back?

If it wasn’t for the harmful and negative comments about my child I would be the bigger person. However there’s absolutely no one in my life I would allow to use damaging language around my child more than once, I would be having a direct word about the type of attitude towards my little one (with my partner there for support) and make it clear that was the one and only time it happens. If it happens again I would cut contact.