AIBU Expecting more help when I’m SICK

[TheOneandOnly23]

Please someone put me in my place if I’m being too sensitive, which is very likely given how terrible I feel!

Im on day 2 of being ill with what I think is tonsillitis. DS1 (4.5) is still on a course of antibiotics for the same thing and DS 2 (7months) has also been unwell.

Yesterday and today are DH’s only two days off, he works very hard so I get he wants/needs to relax & unwind. However barring playing with DS1 for a couple of hours yesterday, I received absolutely no help (other than being told to take paracetamol to help me function) & odd cup of tea. I continued to clean, sort washing, sort bottles and was the primary carer of the boys. DS1 missed 3/4 antibiotic doses because again this was left to me. DH asked if I’d given these and feeling incompetent I replied “oh god no I totally forgot” he became annoyed but didn’t seek to fix this. DH still found time to sit and play the PC for an hour or so.

DS1 is also a terrible sleeper (regularly wakes and comes into our room). DH was still awake and gaming gone midnight last night so took DS1 back to bed where he had a meltdown and cried for me. My whole night was spent taking DS1 back and forth to bed before DS2 woke at 4am. I’ve had approx 1 hour sleep.

Im now infuriated that it’s 9:27 and DH is sound asleep in bed (ignoring alarms) whilst I’ve been up with both boys sin 4am- sorting breakfast, tidying up etc. I’m desperate to shut my eyes but I’m loathed to wake him to ask him to take over 1- because I feel I shouldn’t have to (especially given that DS2 is lying whinging next to him & DH is tired because he was up late gaming) and 2- because I know even if he does it’s only temporary until I’m relied upon to take over again or until one of the boys starts crying and is brought to me.

I guess when you’re poorly and miserable you just want someone to say I’ve “got this” or at least feel supported. Unfortunately it feels like my sickness becomes an inconvenience to how DH would rather be spending his time and I’m made to feel unreasonable for being short with him

It's not 'help'

It's parenting.

He's not pulling his weight with chores and the children, what exactly does he bring to the table?

Assuming you're not at risk form him kicking off, you need to tell him that isn't acceptable and that he needs to step up not just not while you're unwell but all of the time.

Parenting is a partnership and it relies on both partners doing their fair share, this will look different from couple to couple and there might be times where one partner is temporarily carrying more of the weight then times where it's temporarily the other partner (for example, when one is unwell) but in general there should be a balance so that's not all falling to one person.

He's a shit and you deserve better.

Well, he's showing you what he is

Take notice

This is your life now

He's a dick. When I had a chest infection in Jan my husband sent me to bed and took over everything - all school runs and activities, cooking, cleaning, laundry and whatever else came up. And he brought me meals, paracetamol, regular drinks and anything else I needed. That's a partner. Granted he works from home but if he only has the weekend available to support me then that's what I would have got so I could rest and take over again on Monday.

Maybe you need more structure?

When our kids were young, we had a definite structure ie Saturday was my lie-in until say 10.30am, Sunday was his.

One person was on night duty until say 5.30am but anything after that was for the other one to deal with.

This meant no arguing in the middle of the night, no resentment etc.

But your husband needs to realise that this is a two man band and he needs to play his part.

Time to talk.

You are definitely, DEFINITELY not being unreasonable. Tell your husband I'm angry with him just reading your description 😵‍💫!

YANBU. He doesn’t need rest. He won’t die without it. People have survived wars, the Great Depression, working abroad without stopping for years without seeing their family to put food on the table. Not doing your share at home when your wife is unwell is selfish and lazy. Bin him.

She doesn’t need more structure 🤔 she needs a partner. Mine didn’t help when I was sick and I eventually said it was a dealbreaker and if he didn’t change I would leave him as fast as I could. Wake your dp, say I’m sick, these children are yours too, you need to get up and look after them ALL DAY. gaming was a choice, looking after your children when your partner is sick is not so gaming was a dumb choice and I do not want to hear a word about you’re tired or I will wake you up every single time I get up with baby for the next month and you will realise you didn’t know what tired is. Look after then. Remember their medication instead of getting mad that your sick wife is not doing every minute of childcare while you do whatever the fuck you want. Change nappies. Take care of them. Do a load of washing. Do not bother me except to check I’m alright. I’d rather be single than staggering along feeling miserable with no sleep as I’ve been looking after our dc 24 hours a day with no break and you in the same house.

Christ, wake him up and tell him it's his turn now. Telling him you feel like death and need to rest.

YANBU. He’s being a useless, uncaring lump.

Thank you everyone for the support. I do find I try to be very understanding towards him but sometimes the means also enabling or making allowances that are of cost to me.

he's a wonderful man and I love him very much, but on occasions like this I am often left questioning whether he even enjoys being a parent as it seems he is only involved when he’s absolutely compelled to?
I am often left feeling like a single parent….and I stupidly found myself thanking him for the help today before he went to work. When he’s done no more (probably less) than I do everyday.

is it worth confronting him?

I think about this A LOT

I generally carry most of the parenting weight. Husband is a head chef so his life is very unsociable- however he’s never had it so good in terms of hours e.g. starts work at 11 so can walk DS1 to school everyday.

we’ve had multiple arguments before around how much I do and the imbalance e.g if we have somewhere to be I can get myself and the boys ready in the same time it takes DH to get himself ready. He also knows himself that he is incredibly impatient which means he genuinely finds balancing multiple things difficult-something I’m naturally better at. He has gotten better but it seems I have to fight to get him to “want” to do it.

He once made a joke that I was the “alpha” to a friend and I got so upset because it seems I have to be due to what feels like weaponised incompetence.

He also knows himself that he is incredibly impatient which means he genuinely finds balancing multiple things difficult
a head chef can’t balance multiple things?! The hardest thing about lots of cooking at the home dinner level is tracking all the different pieces across the dishes, steps in order etc. Bullshit a head chef can’t multitask, I expect they are 100x better at it than I am, when they give a shit that is. The key thing is he has to give a shit about his kids. Tell him to treat getting the kids ready like prepping a plate with two dishes, and you know he can do it, it must be child’s play compared to managing a kitchen.

I had the same reaction as the previous poster. He is a head chef, of course he can multitask. He is just too selfish to want to put any effort into trying to balance it all. He is deliberately leaving it all to you.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 a Head Chef who is incapable of multitasking 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

How did you not laugh in his face at that one?

Seriously, he is choosing to be a rubbish partner and father.

He is weaponising his incompetence against you, because he truly believes that his time is more valuable than yours and you are his domestic slave. Your life will be constantly shit if you stay with this man and he doesn't change.

Constantly. Shit.

I recommend you have a scroll through @thatdarnchat and @jimmyonrelationships to get both the female and male perspectives of how a man being a shit partner can wreck a relationship and how to turn it around.

I think you've made a fair assessment of it with weaponised incompetence. I've worked in kitchen-adjacent roles for most of my life and can honestly say that most chefs learn to be both arseholes and sexist, including and especially about their wives and girlfriends. I made the mistake of dating one I met online dating and eventually realised he was cut from the same cloth too, so it really doesn't surprise me that you're having problems in a relationship with a man who is a head chef.

He sees you as the default parent, and as less than him because you're female - you're the waitress he can sneer at and boss about.

A man who cared about his partner wouldn't have to be asked, begged and pleaded with to look after his own kids on his days off, even if he has a Big Important Job. He wouldn't game instead of parent, or being kind or considerate to his sick wife.

He's not a wonderful man. He's a neglectful arse.

He’s not a wonderful man. If he were, you wouldn’t have needed to start this thread.

I don't understand why you didn't say anything to him?

What I’m getting from this is that he does sweet FA most of the time so why would you expect any different now?

Don't have anymore kids with him. Secondly he's a head chef and it's stressful but so are many jobs. Normally he gets downtime by the sounds of it but when you are ill he should be picking up more of the slack. My dh would take over with the kids as soon as he stepped foot in the house as he had missed them. I was ill over Christmas and he did everything for them. I don't mean to upset you by saying this or be boastful but good men do exist and yours just isn't. A good partner raises you up, they don't drag you down. You only get one life and we all have our own standards. Maybe you can put up with this but for me I have to be able to rely on my dh and vice versa, we are a team.

In the short term I'd yet again speak about it and ask why gaming was more important than getting up in the night with the kids so you could sleep? I'd point out that yet again he's not done his fair share of parenting and that you won't stand for it. Longterm I'd be thinking about whether this relationship is salvageable. He isn't showing you an ounce of respect op.

I know the reaction would have been “nothing I do is good enough” or some similar retort.

I then end up questioning if my expectations are too high and ignorant of how difficult he might genuinely find parenting.

To make things worse I found out yesterday from my 4.5 year old that “daddy smacked my bottom”

this is something we have agreed is a NO- especially for age-typical behaviour(refusing to get in the car)

when I asked DH about it he just said he didn’t feel good about it and would speak to DS-again only because I’ve said something??

when I asked why he didn’t tell me (especially if he felt bad) he simply said “no time”

So on the rare occasion he does take over he loses his temper and smacks our 4 year old and I’m left picking up the pieces. Theres literally more to lose by me being ill!?!?!?

As someone that was hit a lot as a child this is non negotiable with me. The reason I hate my SIL is she hit my DS.

Your husband is also a lazy selfish git. I have been really unwell over the last couple of months. Our children are adults but DH couldn’t have done more for me if he had tried whilst also working really long hours at a very demanding job, he is responsible overall for about 600 people.

My nephew ran his own restaurant for almost a decade and did loads of stuff for his very young daughters while his wife worked for the NHS. He was knackered often but was great at multi tasking. You have to be if you’re a head chef.

You have married a shit man who is selfish. Are you on maternity leave or are you a SAHM?