AIBU Expecting more help when I’m SICK

[TheOneandOnly23]

Please someone put me in my place if I’m being too sensitive, which is very likely given how terrible I feel!

Im on day 2 of being ill with what I think is tonsillitis. DS1 (4.5) is still on a course of antibiotics for the same thing and DS 2 (7months) has also been unwell.

Yesterday and today are DH’s only two days off, he works very hard so I get he wants/needs to relax & unwind. However barring playing with DS1 for a couple of hours yesterday, I received absolutely no help (other than being told to take paracetamol to help me function) & odd cup of tea. I continued to clean, sort washing, sort bottles and was the primary carer of the boys. DS1 missed 3/4 antibiotic doses because again this was left to me. DH asked if I’d given these and feeling incompetent I replied “oh god no I totally forgot” he became annoyed but didn’t seek to fix this. DH still found time to sit and play the PC for an hour or so.

DS1 is also a terrible sleeper (regularly wakes and comes into our room). DH was still awake and gaming gone midnight last night so took DS1 back to bed where he had a meltdown and cried for me. My whole night was spent taking DS1 back and forth to bed before DS2 woke at 4am. I’ve had approx 1 hour sleep.

Im now infuriated that it’s 9:27 and DH is sound asleep in bed (ignoring alarms) whilst I’ve been up with both boys sin 4am- sorting breakfast, tidying up etc. I’m desperate to shut my eyes but I’m loathed to wake him to ask him to take over 1- because I feel I shouldn’t have to (especially given that DS2 is lying whinging next to him & DH is tired because he was up late gaming) and 2- because I know even if he does it’s only temporary until I’m relied upon to take over again or until one of the boys starts crying and is brought to me.

I guess when you’re poorly and miserable you just want someone to say I’ve “got this” or at least feel supported. Unfortunately it feels like my sickness becomes an inconvenience to how DH would rather be spending his time and I’m made to feel unreasonable for being short with him

Weaponised incompetence isn't enough to describe it now, is it?

It's become weaponised violence.

Against children.

And before "he couldnt help it he just lost his temper for a moment" is trotted out - has he ever smacked somebody at work? No? Because he certainly will have been pushed further than his son will have pushed him, in his job. He won't have done though. That's because he has the ability to control where he directed his violence.

He chose to direct it onto his young kid - at least in part to make sure you don't have the audacity of being too ill to be 24/7 solo parent, again.

That’s exactly how it feels

@TheOneandOnly23 However barring playing with DS1 for a couple of hours yesterday, I received absolutely no help (other than being told to take paracetamol to help me function) & odd cup of tea. I continued to clean, sort washing, sort bottles and was the primary carer of the boys.

this was where you started to go ‘wrong’

youre ill. you tell him you’re ill and he’s up.

TELL him he’s taking over today

I’m currently on maternity leave and was due to be a SAHM until DS2 was 3…..
move since been asked to go back to work in July because we need the money.

we live at home with my parents and he wants to buy a house in the next year so needs me to go back so we can save more.

I know the reaction would have been “nothing I do is good enough” or some similar retort.

I then end up questioning if my expectations are too high and ignorant of how difficult he might genuinely find parenting.

So what do your parents think as you live with them?

I would go back to work, sadly this marriage may not last. Do you want 30/40 years of this. You get one life. He needs an epiphany and to change radically.

Jeez...when did "gaming" become so f ing important?
This is ludicrous?
The whole "I work hard" thing drives me mad.
OH and I both work hard. And paid a fortune for fulltime childcare
We still both came home and did the housework, fed the kids, put them to bed.
Yes there were times somethings just didn't get done because we just didn't have the time or energy but it wasn't that one of us did nothing and stayed up late playing games while the other did everything.

It doesn't matter that you're ill OP. He should be doing more anyway.
I am willing to bet part of your DS sleep problem is that his dad his keeping everyone awake by staying up gaming.

Your problem is you. You are enabling him.
go to bed and say you are unwell - tell him when you have given last dose of antibiotics.
he smacks your child? Has he ever smacked anyone st work? No? Why not? Why is it ok to go that at home, to s child?
you need to expect more.

His actions show he doesn't really, truly care about you. He only cares that you're not doing your wife/mum job properly (as he sees it) at the moment.

You're at your parents....so he's not even financially supporting you both? And he's not doing his fair share or parenting. How is he contributing.

The hitting of your child would be the game changer for me, even if the lazy parenting wasn't.

Concentrate on getting well Op and thinking about your options.

My parents think he is a wonderful person, like genuinely a very good man however have also expressed some minor frustration at his “languid” character although I don’t outwardly seek their opinion so no doubt they have more to say.

His laid-back traits were of course attractive and endearing as I’m definitely more highly strung etc. Hell, we both often sat playing video games together with a glass of wine before we were married!

but of course, I’ve happily relinquished many of my younger choices when I chose to get married and have a family. I’m also very conscious of what sort of a role model my husband plays in my boys’ life. He doesn’t seem interested in “raising” his sons to be good men who look after the people they love and fulfill their duties and responsibilities positively.

Ive actually asked him to go to therapy with me before so someone can mediate our communication but he thinks I’m being ridiculous

Yes and even if I could accept the hitting as a one off mistake….the fact he didn’t tell me and I was left helping my son process it afterwards because he had “no time” has left me questioning everything.

Ultimately, aside from mine and my husbands relationship, what kind of relationship are my sons going to have with their father?

You need to be frank - 'I am ill. I cannot physically do this. Please deal with the kids'. If you keep on doing it then he is going to assume you can do it/are ok doing it/not pull his weight (as that sounds like his default mode).
Sorry if that sounds harsh, I don't mean to be, but if you don't speak up then things will just continue. I hope you feel better soon.

All of this.

'he's a wonderful man' 😄
WTF? Sadly you've picked a deadbeat misogynist to have kids with. He openly treats you with contempt, happily neglects his kids.
Find your anger, divorce the trash, your sons will grow up to be misogynists too with this man slobbing about their home.

He is, he covers everything albeit not very happily, hence the asking me to go back to work early which goes against what we originally agreed.I don’t even want to get into the financial aspect…..that’s a whole other issue.

he originally wanted me to be a SAHM because he felt it’s what was best for the boys. But I think now he’s realised what that responsibility looks like for him he’d rather not.

we regularly have arguments that centre around him having the mindset of “but if it’s creating more work or hassle for me..why would I?” Completely ignoring the fact that then whatever it is falls directly to me.

yet another tale of a wonderful husband and amazing father who is in fact a useless piece of shit. Honestly I just don't understand how women put up with this level if crap.
I'm sorry you have put up with this for so long- please don't anymore.

Please. Tell me all the 'wonderful' things about this cliche of a man.

Not at all I appreciate your support. You are right I should have been more direct with him

As soon as you said he was up late gaming I just thought lazy, selfish and useless. Sorry.