To think life will never make sense to me.

[Confusedandexhaustedbylife]

Long term poster but name changed for this.
I want to keep this short but basically am I alone in finding life just too complicated? I am an intelligent woman working in a professional career yet I constantly feel like there is some huge aspects to life (particularly interpersonal relationships) that I just don't understand. I watch life from the sidelines but am never properly involved. I struggle to maintain friendships because I just don't understand people and the nuances of maintaining friendships. From being a teenager I've had a series of unhealthy, temporary friendships and when I look back, any that had the potential to be good have gone astray somehow 🤷 I am a kind person and always try to do considerate things but I'm obviously going wrong somewhere. I clearly mess things up but never on purpose. I don't feel like I add any value to the world and life is just going to keep baffling and exhausting me. 😔

I can only go off what I found helped having my son assessed but there’s lots of support out there, we get help mainly through local charities everything from form filling to socialising.
when my son was assessed I realised it’s likely I had autism too and it’s usually genetic, so it really helped me understand the way I sometimes did things or the things I got overwhelmed with and triggers of things that bothered me to help me understand it more as a whole.

So basically this child was saying
"You're rubbish at this"
"You're never going to do it"
"I'm so much better than you" etc on repeat all day. He sat next to her so she couldn't escape him and it was affecting her so much she was tearful and it really knocked her confidence a lot.

I explained to her that he isn't saying facts, just his opinion and his opinion is no more important than anyone else's.

I said that when he does it just to ignore him or if he keeps on just say to him
"That's your opinion Bobby, thankyou". And just repeat this every time he tries to put her down.

Apparently he kept saying it so she kept repeating "that's your opinion, thankyou" and the mum complained that my DC was being unkind and the teacher said that what I advised her to say came across as rude 🤷

I got diagnosed. It did not help me fit in. But it did allow me to forgive myself. It’s not nice going through life thinking you’re just a shit person - turns out I’m actually an autistic person and it’s not my fault that people don’t like me, it’s disability discrimination. I understand myself better and I’m able to be kinder to myself.

I think what you advised your child to say was absolutely fine, and the other child was rude. You could also have told the teacher what the other child had been saying and if they were an effective teacher, they would have dealt with it.

My DH is late diagnosed w ASD and a diagnosis did greatly help him. There are so many great books, web forums, it's definitely worth further investigation. Maybe something like Devon Price Autism Unmasked? You might find a community you are at ease with.

(However I just wanted to say, when comparing yourself with others, neurotypical people experience plenty of social 'fails' and disconnection, are lonely etc. Also, I would have said much the same to my 7yo, I don't think you did anything wrong).

Thankyou @amiahoarder
I really didnt think it was but it is difficult as I know I don't always read the situation well, so I didn't feel confident enough to stand my ground incase it was rude. But I felt awful for my DC. She's the sweetest, kindest little thing and was mortified about it all. Especially when her teacher declared it a "clash of personalities".

@DrawersOnTheDoors

"However I just wanted to say, when comparing yourself with others, neurotypical people experience plenty of social 'fails' and disconnection, are lonely etc. Also, I would have said much the same to my 7yo, I don't think you did anything wrong"

This makes me feel a lot better actually. Sometimes we can feel like we are the only one fucking it all up and everyone else is managing life much better.

@Bluefell
Feeling like a shit person is a very accurate description. I feel like I stumble through life with no real connection or direction and I constantly let people down without ever meaning to.

My husband and children are brilliant, I just wish I could be the person they deserve.

I felt the same. What helped was counselling and coming to accept who I am (as cliched as that sounds). It was a real shocker in therapy when I realised that trying to be the right person all these years may have been a total waste of time if I in fact do have some autistic traits. Now, I try to accept it but that hadn't come easily and takes work/time. Haven't bothered with ASD assessment as the net result is the same - whether I tick the right boxes or not, I still need to learn to accept myself.

I’m going to throw two things into the mix here as well…
It is now known that at least 56% of all people can be easily diagnosed to be on the Autism spectrum. This makes it a more inclusive than exclusive club. More normal than not. In reality, the number is likely even higher.
Life if hard. Everybody has a different timeline going with their own priorities and deadlines and due dates and frankly, even those in committed relationships with huge families and friendship groups, hobbies and social lives, involve feelings of resentment, politics, isolation and sadness too.
You need to stop comparing your reality to your perception of other people’s reality. That is one easy way to paint yourself into a dark, depressing corner.

Sorry but that’s a load of nonsense. 56% of people are NOT autistic. It’s more like 1%.

I think the advice you gave your daughter was spot on. Honestly, sounds like the teacher was very unhelpful to just say 'it's a personality clash'. You gave your daughter practical help by telling what to say, which is far more useful in my opinion.

Blimey that to me is perfect advice I think the teacher was in the wrong here.

As an aside my dad would had advised me to hit the little shit, now that is wrong!

I would get an autism assessment. A friend of mine in his late 40s just got diagnosed and it has really changed his whole perspective on things, like a light has gone on and realised why he has always felt so out of place and like he struggles to navigate the world. Now he has a reason why and can start to manage it and make sense of it. Really helped. I’m not saying you are of course but may provide answers.

What makes you think life ‘makes sense’ to other people, though? Your life, as you, describe it sounds like it is going well in key areas — for all you mention job interviews as something you ‘don’t get’, you got and are holding down a professional job, and for all your difficulties with friendships, you have managed to form a relationship that has been enduring enough to involve marriage and two children. The instance that you give of your ‘advice’ being wrong is a subjective situation. It’s only your assumption that everyone else has got a manual you alone are lacking that seems strange — large numbers of people feel this way.

Is it not possible that you’re an ordinary person who has historically struggled with friendships?

@feverpitch43

Yes did my first day back at work last week which definitely hasn't helped as after a year off work, only my boss and 1 other person even acknowledged that I was back and it really highlighted how excluded I am/make myself.

Yes my husband knows. He agrees I have ASD traits for sure but it's difficult for him to know how to help. He is naturally quite an introvert but does have friends through his cricket.

I just took it and got the same score… it does make sense of a few things for me… does it for you too?

For me I've found the best way to happiness is to be myself. Take time to do stuff I enjoy. I like to do social stuff so I do it occasionally but I don't compare myself to others or feel the need to have tons of friends

It is also possible that if you are not autistic you simply have been unable to form relationships well from the start you had in life? How was your childhood? How was your relationship with your parents? Was it deep and meaningful? Secure?