Friend pressurising me to rent a car

[norfolkgirl88]

I used to date a guy and now we are just friends. I am disabled and need a fair bit of help. For the last 2 years the two of us rented a car every so often when it was cheap to get about. From last autumn, his daughter came in with us to rent the car so we were paying thirds. After christmas, I assessed my finances and have depleted my savings quite a bit so decided this year I would cut back on lots of things, the car being one of them. Friend keeps going on about having a car again even though I have explained my financial position. He tries to guilt trip me by saying he does lots of things to help me even though he gets carer's allowance and my money went down. He now hardly helps me with anything, popping round a couple of times a week. I am struggling but the cost of a private carer is too much. Friend said if we revert back to having the car often, he will help me again. I feel like I have to have the car now just to get out of the house and medical appointments. I feel trapped in this situation.

To get carers allowance you need to provide at least 35 hours of care per week. If he's not doing that he shouldn't get carers allowance so you need to get it stopped. He's blackmailing you and taking advantage.

do you have someone else who could help you?

OP this sounds like a safeguarding issue. He is exploiting you. Stop his carers allowance. I would seriously suggest cutting ties with him. Is there anyone who can advocate on your behalf to report his threats/abuse of the system designed to help you?

You seem to have missed a specific word out of your post there.

This man is exploiting you.

Get the cares allowance cancelled

I hope you can access some other support.

The OP says in the first post he gets carers allowance!

Can you afford to use taxis sometimes? Is public transport totally unfeasible?
If he's getting paid for caring for you he's meant to be doing things daily? Were you involved in his claim? He may be getting the money under false pretences. If you can't afford it then that has to be accepted by him. Why can't he go halves with his daughter?

It's not PIP payments that are affected by having a carer, it's Universal Credit/ESA.
You need to call the Carers Allowance Unit to say he's not caring for you for 35 hours a week, and then DWP to get severe disability premium back.

Stop his carers allowance and get someone who actually helps you.

She literally says he is claiming carer’s allowance for her which requires at least 35 hours a week care being provided. If he isn’t doing that he is a fraud and he is depriving OP of care.

@Feduptosaytheleast
Yes sorry I meant UC

Then he is not your carer and shouldn't be getting the allowance

OP this is abuse of both you as a vulnerable adult, and more generally the carers allowance system - hes receiving money for care and support he is not providing and is threatening withdrawal of even the minor help he gives to pressure you to act in ways that further his interests, to the detriment of your own.

You need to end any arrangements made with him so he stops receiving carers allowance - and then you can find paid help that suits you and meets your needs. You sound savvy about finances - I really hope you can get shot of this manipulative abuser and access decent support and care

I have a slightly different position from most people on here but I would pause for a week or two and work out your alternatives BEFORE cutting ties with this man. It’s all very well saying to ditch this guy and dob him in but if you are reliant on the care he gives you (even if if’s less than it should be) don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.

Calmly take the time to work out in a piece of paper how much extra money you would be getting if he wasn’t the carer anymore and calculate if you could actually get enough care elsewhere to make up the difference. If you don’t have any other friends or family who can provide care instead of this man, and if you don’t think you’d be better off with an independent/paid carer, then it may be better to sit down with him and talk things through to explain your concerns and give him a chance to put things right. This is all presuming, of course, that you trust him generally (despite him being lazy with his care obligations).

It may even be worth a compromise re the car, eg, where you pay 10% of the cost in return for him driving you to appointments, etc, but only if you think it’s pragmatic to do this in order to keep this man on as your carer.

I'm a bit confused - you said "I feel like I have to have the car now just to get out of the house and medical appointments." how are you now getting to medical appts without the car? Is he taking you on public transport?

He's committing fraud to start with. Carers must care for 35 + hours a week to get carers allowance.

Get it stopped.

This arrangement isn’t working for you any more, if it ever did. Time to end it and see what other options there are.

(Also, surely having an ex-boyfriend as a carer was always liable to be open to problems? )

Yes, I wondered this too. What exactly is he doing for you in the average week no, OP?

Definitely get that carers allowance stopped! He's absolutely disgusting and for me it would be a great pleasure to tell him that the gravy train had ended.

I think you need to take a measured approach to this.

What exactly does he do for you? Can you make a list of the jobs he actually does? Whilst he may be around your house two days a week, what other things? Food shops, picking up prescriptions, bill paying? What does he do when he is at your home? Does he help with cooking, cleaning and laundry? Most importantly, how many of these things can you manage independently? If you stopped this arrangement and had to pay private carers, how much would your benefits go up and would you be in a worse position?

How are you getting to medical appointments at the moment? Do you need a person to go with you or is it just transport that you require? If he hasn’t got a car and you are capable of getting in a taxi alone do you still feel he should come with you? Do you feel he should be coughing up for a car to be able to take you to these appointments or is it just him pressuring you to help with a car?

How far does he live from you OP and how does he get to you without a vehicle? Do you factor in his costs and travelling time to do your jobs- especially if he is going by public transport.

Work out what is best for you financially and have a sensible discussion with him.

That is really good advice from SunnyTomorrow, and TimeToPour.

It is reasonable for him to say that he won't be your carer any more unless you rent a car to make it more practical.

But very clearly, if he isn't going to be your carer any more, he isn't entitled to claim the carer's allowance. He's popping round a couple of times a week (which would actually be a lot of help to expect from someone who wasn't your paid carer) but it is not the level of help someone on a carer's allowance should be providing.

You must be aware, though, that if you do stop the carer's allowance, you then can't expect any help, even at the level he currently provides. So if you are already struggling with him just coming round a couple of times a week, you'll need to consider what will happen when his carer's allowance is cut off and he isn't coming round at all - it sounds like now is the time to sit down and really assess what your care needs actually are, and seek some advice on what your alternative options would be for meeting them.

Most single people with disabilities don't have an ex/friend who has the time and inclination to do the things they need help with in return for a carer's allowance, so presumably there must be other possibilities.

Yes. That is the value put on the contribution of the many carers who very often do way more.

If he's claiming carers allowance for supposedly helping you and isn't in fact doing 35 hours a week of helping you then he's a benefit cheat at the minimum. Pressuring you into spending money you don't have is financial abuse.

He's not a friend. He's targeting you as a vulnerable person that he can profit from.

You're not being unreasonable. He's supposed to be your carer as his full time job equivalent if he's getting carers allowance as your named carer. He's blackmailing you with this car stuff and it's abusive.
Please get your claim changed to say that he is no longer your carer. I think you need to report his behaviour to your social worker too. You're a vulnerable adult (even though you might not feel like one) and he's probably breaking some sort of law.