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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help! I think I'm being PFBish. I know MN will kick my arsch if I am.

74 replies

LillyThePink · 28/03/2008 09:22

My friend has scheduled her son's christening on PFB's birthday.

We live in a very small community and have all the same friends. A group of us all have DCs of similar age, and we always tend to do something for the kids' birthdays.

PFB's birthday falls on a saturday this year and I was planning to have everyone round. At first she mentioned it a bit appologetically and said that she was having the christening on PFB's birthday but it wouldn't affect us as they weren't going to have a party, just godparents to the church. Then she said maybe we could combine somehow. Now she's just invited everyone to a big christening party.

I KNOW. Christenings are important to the religious. And it's only a toddler's birthday. I know... but in my heart of hearts I can't help feeling a bit put out.

Last weekend we all went to a lovely big birthday party to celebrate her older son's birthday.

I know she didn't do it to be mean. I'm being PFBish, aren't I. I want MY child to have a turn of being the centre of attention on his birthday, and I want a turn being told what a lovely party I've thrown and what a great cook I am and how much everyone's enjoying themselves.

OP posts:

lollipopmother · 28/03/2008 11:23

Is there anyone that hasn't had a party for their child's first birthday? I am always completely shocked at the amount of time and effort people seem to put in to something that the kid will never remember in a million years, let alone actually enjoy or be able to join in with. I haven't actually had my baby yet and I expect to completely change my mind when his first birthday comes round but really, is it sane to have a big party for a 1 year old - and is it really for them or is it for you to show them off at?

Blandmum · 28/03/2008 11:25

We invited out best mates round (with their ds). We had fizz and smoked salmon sandwiches and a birthday cake.

It was for us not dd at that stage

Anchovy · 28/03/2008 11:37

Blimey, I am feeling completely out of step on this. I am at the idea of suggesting scheduling something round a very small child's birthday. If a friend suggested to me that I move a christening (which involved people coming from miles away, negotiations on dates with the church and possibly some sort of caterers or room hire) because they wanted to celebrate a small child's birthday on that specific day, i would think they were bonkers. Sorry ( - you did ask!)

They simply do not know what day it is when they are little. Full stop. Of course it is nice for them to have presents and be the centre of attention but I really don't think that it actually has to be on that specific date and no other.

When they are older - mine are 4 and 6 - they are going to have to go to school on their birthday. It's not like every bithday can be a fun filled extravaganza from morning to night.

glaskham · 28/03/2008 11:45

i didn't do anything extravagant for my 2's first birthdays....we had family round in an evening, a few finger sanwiches, some baby crisps (goodies stuff) and a cake and then some bubbly for us to celebrate.....will be having a little tea party for dd in a few weeks for her 2nd....only at home, and only a few sandwiches and juice and a cake made my moi before she goes to bed. ds had a pirate themed party with all his friends in december for his 3rd birthday..... and we always have a 'family day' for them too.....we prefer to have a family day out and spend £100 or so in total, and a little tea party and decs at home than spend a couple of hundred on a massive party. like we're going to chester zoo for dd's birthday treat....and granny and grandad will be coming along too...we're all looking forward to it!!

LadyMuck · 28/03/2008 11:56

Afraid I think that birthdays for small toddlers (and in fact children in general) are movable feats. Ds1 will have 3 weeks between his actual birthday and his party this year thanks to how early Easter has arrived. He knows this as he is 7 and isn't that bothered. In earlier years I have usually moved parties to a day that is more convenient without even drawing said child's attention to it.

Fennel · 28/03/2008 11:58

We're always moving birthdays. dd3 is 4 soon, on a Tuesday. But we're having her birthday on the Sunday before because then we get to do it all together and have the party on that day. She won't mind. Even if she realises.

Blandmum · 28/03/2008 11:58

We are the same regarding ds's birthday, which is today.

He ha shis family presents and cake etc.

But the party will be later......organising parties in school holidays is just too much of a PITA, and loads of kids go away.

He gets two nice days, why should he care?

Blandmum · 28/03/2008 11:59

Seriously, if someone had asked me to move my wedding day to accomodate a toddlers birthday party I would have thought they were totally tonto.

lollipopmother · 28/03/2008 12:02

I would tell them under no uncertain terms to f*ck off if someone suggested moving a wedding or a christening so that their baby could have a party - the party isn't for them it's for the parents, who are using the excuse of their baby's birthday to have a party - they can have their get together any time they want, why pretend that it is for their baby when clearly it isn't.

PrimulaVeris · 28/03/2008 12:03

I read a brilliant description of this sort of guest behaviour on another thread yesterday:

GuestZilla

I'm quite at some of the Guestzillaish views on wedding, christening and party threads I have to say.

I am also a Stalinist - out n' proud!

glaskham · 28/03/2008 12:05

well the OP's child is going to be 3 IIRC (cant be arsed moving back to read again) and at 3 a child does know what a party is....and enjoy it a lot.....however, i dont think it is of upmost importance if the birthday party isn't on the actual birthday, my ds had his 3rd bday party 2a full week early as his bday is 21st dec....we though mid-dec would be better as its not as close to xmas eve etc, with people doing last min shopping!!

Blandmum · 28/03/2008 12:06

OP says toddlers.

Are three year olds generally considered to be toddlers? (mine are so old now I've lost touch)

lollipopmother · 28/03/2008 12:09

I thought toddlers were 1-2's, and I certainly can't remember anything from when I was 2, not saying I wouldn't have enjoyed things or that bad things should happen just because they can't remember, but honestly, moving a party wouldn't kill them at 2 or even 3, they won't know what month they're in let alone the exact date!

indiemummy · 28/03/2008 12:17

a party should be based around what the child wants and enjoys, not the parents!

there are years and years in which to bake cakes and impress folk! a christening only happens once! (weddings also)

so for this year i think the OP should have special birthday celebrations in the morning and go off to the christening and have a great time, with all their friends, who will all know it is PFB's birthday; and the PFB will have a great time as it is a party; or else if PFB is say, 3 or older, and knows what is going on and wants his or her own party, then explain that to everyone and have a party for him or her the following weekend... case closed...

FioFio · 28/03/2008 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TigerBollyKnickers · 28/03/2008 12:22

I don't count my 3yo as a toddler any more (slight ). She doesn't toddle. She is a little girl.

We had parties for dd for all her birthdays, 1 and 2 were at home for family and close friends, 3 was at a playcentre with all her little mates

I wouldn't hesitate to move the party day if it clashed with something else. Weddings/christenings etc are (should be) once in a lifetime occasions. The fact that it's a 2yo's birthday shouldn't enter the equation (imho)

PrincessMel, would you be able to slip away from the reception for an hour to put your dd to bed?

posieflump · 28/03/2008 12:30

lol at everyone assuming how old the b/day child is
fgs OP come back and put us out of our misery
I am going to throw my hat in with age 2

glaskham · 28/03/2008 12:37

oh....i didn't remember correctly....it was princessmels child who would be 3......i have to say if its less than a 3rd birthday i doubt the child will enjoy it enough to have a massive party.....and whats a few sandwiches and juice the day after a 1st or 2nd bday going to make a difference to them anyway?....

motherinferior · 28/03/2008 12:45

Speaking as a total athiest...I think the christening wins out, frankly, over a small child's birthday. No question.

I personally have Nobly Refrained from asking dear mate to reschedule her wedding because it's the day I want to have MY birthday party.

lennygrrr · 28/03/2008 12:48

Christening on a Saturday in a church? That's a bit unusual isn't it? Christenings usually seem to be part of the service on a Sunday?

bubblagirl · 28/03/2008 13:03

i dont think your being unreasonable last yr on ds birthday dp step brother bought his wedding forward oon ds birthday we had had his party arranged for months all plans set in stone and were made to feel guilty that we wouldnt drive 6 hrs to go to wedding

we stuck to guns though as we had already planned they new ds birthday was on that day had comment of he'll have another birthday but i cant have more dc so will only ever celebrate his 2nd bday once plus we would have had to stay up there for 4 days so at what point could we celebrate his b day and we would have to cancel all plans all peole that had aall had months notice

i would say do it on sun one day off wouldnt be too bad ours would have had to be a week i'm sure neither people done it to ruin there day but as aparent you want the best for your dc at all ties they will always be number one no matter what

PrimulaVeris · 28/03/2008 13:08

Bubblagirl, I have never ever heard of a toddler party planned for months in advance.

Your dps step brother must be a candidate for sainthood, never mind his new wife

bubblagirl · 28/03/2008 13:17

all my friends have moved away and all need a good amount of notice to bring down there dc my family moved away peole had to book time off work to come down

didnt explain they onlyt told us a week before ds party that there wedding would be ion his b day and by then we had bought all party food friends family had all booked time off and didnt give us much time as we would have had to have left 2 days later for 6 hr journey then dp didnt have long enough to book time off work boss needs 2 weeks notive

ds birthday party was all up and planned with 1 week to go dps brother is not close to any of us and was understanding as only gave us a week notice it was others that couldnt understand in that week why we couldnt cancel everything book time off get car sorted to be able to make 6 hr journy

i dont see many people and have suffeed with depression so to have my friends and family down took alot of planning as many people needing to travel and book time off not something i could throw at them short notice

cory · 28/03/2008 15:03

IME organising vicars is much harder than organising toddlers' birthday parties. Also, toddlers don't care about the day. So any trying to convince yourself that you are upset out of concern for your toddler is a little self-delusionary- it's really about how important you need to feel you are. Your toddler won't feel any less important.

I always used to schedule my children's parties for the Saturday even if the birthday was on a Sunday, because one of the families invited were very involved in their evangelical church. It would have caused serious logistic problems for them to have it on the day (sermon cancelled today, birthday party!) and it caused no problems for my dc's to have it on another day. Not just when they were toddlers, either.

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