To talk to dd10 about emotional/boredom eating?

[Feckinlego]

How do I broach this? She is overweight. She has a terrible diet. I do all the right things, offer healthy choices alongside safe food, she fills up on pasta rice etc and ignores the veg etc. When she looks for a snack she picks the carb heavy things, toast/crackers etc, then wants another snack. She has low self esteem issues and is already very conscious of her weight, so I don't want to shame her. Her older brother is very thin and try as I might not to, I do treat them differently. She's had therapy after being bullied and the therapist has said she is displaying signs of trauma and is ripe for an eating disorder when older.
I definitely think I have some fat phobia myself which I'm working hard to change. I've been reading about intuitive eating which I'm trying to get on board with but I can't fully buy into.
I'm sorry this wasn't meant to be so long but any advice appreciated.

If you have a fat phobia then best to work on yourself before approaching your DD, that could really easily rub off on her and cause much worse issues

What is she eating per day? A carby snack is nothing unusual for a 10 year old - that’s normal.

Do you cook with her? That would be my biggest piece of advice if you don’t. It’s her relationship with food that needs to change, not what she is eating per se. I struggled with binge eating disorder as a teenager and became overweight for a while as a result. My mum made it worse as would always make comments about what we were eating etc. I found that when I went away to university and had total control over my diet I was much better, as I could choose whatever I fancied for dinner which meant I got pleasure from cooking yummy and healthier meals and didn’t seek out snacks to get the pleasure instead. It also meant if I did want a treat or ‘bad food’ no one was judging me for it and so there was no shame associated which before would lead to further binging.

So I would definitely encourage her to cook and food shop with you so she can start getting enjoyment from preparing meals she likes and some control over what meals you will all eat. I would also avoid the good food/bad food idea as much as possible, focus on everything in moderation.

I would also encourage her to find an active hobby she enjoys as this will likely improve her self esteem and health together and would potentially be a new social environment where she hasn’t been bullied.

I would also make easy changes like reducing the amount of pasta and rice etc served within a meal, not the amount she is eating overall, but if the ratio of veg and protein in the meal is higher, there will only be so much pasta she can eat. I do a handful per person and then the rest is all meat/fish and veg.

As an obesity survivor I beg you to find a way to help your daughter. At 10 I was massively overweight and eating only carbs.

If my Mum had listened to the school nutritionist and cut my carbs right down I wouldn’t have spent the following 25 years morbidly obese.

I found keto and dropped to 10 stone effortlessly. Carbs are not for everyone.

Maybe you could get her involved in planning the food and shopping? Rather than discussing it as an emotional or weight issue, look at it as a health thing. Talk about the fact she's getting older, her body will be changing and she'll need different things from food, and where to get these (stuff like protein and sources of it, that the different colours of veg have different nutrients, healthy fats etc), and that for a balanced diet and proper growth, particularly through puberty, she needs all of these things.

Look at possible meals online, maybe on things like gousto or hello fresh, and then plan a menu for the week, including snacks and treats. Snacks should include healthy fats and protein to keep her full for longer (so adding cheese to crackers for example, or putting peanut butter and banana onto toast).

To be honest, filling up on carbs doesn't sound like that terrible of a diet, but if it's a genuine problem, then consider this when plating up meals - carbs should make up about 1/4 of your plate, with protein 1/4, 1/2 being fruit and veggie, and also include some healthy fats. Try to stick with this, so if having spagetti for example, pack out the sauce with veg like peppers, onions, carrots, lentils, celery etc, serve with some salad on the side, and reduce the amount of pasta on the plate. Don't make it a temporary diet, but a conscious change to what you eat to include more fruit and veg.

A few books to suggest

For you to read yourself to help get the right facts together
https://www.uclpress.co.uk/products/88228

One to read with your daughter including a chapter on emotional eating

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Eat-Well-Feel-Great-Teenagers/dp/1399401947/ref=asc_df_1399401947/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=606653503569&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=15635725977644331946&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045999&hvtargid=pla-1853796454312&psc=1&mcid=a9f2e44feabd3d22b00551fec5382015&th=1&psc=1

Thank you all so much this is great advice and so unjudgemental. I definitely think she's feeling pressure from me and this is something I need to work on.

You need to deal with your fat phobia and emotional responses to weight. Fast.

Stop buying carb crap food - feed her more protein.

I was overweight at that age, with a fat phobic and body shaming mother. I comfort ate massively by the age of 13, went up to a size 20, then flipped into full blown anorexia for the next 12 years.

You helping her has to start with you dealing with your issues first.

Stop cooking pasta

Cook meat and veg

If you want to know what would have helped me avoid the eating disorder- 100% having an affirming caring mother. I was only valued by my weight and looks.

I pack out bolognese etc with veg, and give a normal portion of pasta. She'll eat the pasta, a few mouthfuls of the bolognese, then be hungry half an hour later.

Just to reiterate, I never comment on her weight, EVER! If she does, I tell her we come in all shapes and sizes, and we're all beautiful, and I focus on what her body can do rather than how it looks. I'm trying so so hard to fix this before it spirals. But I'm torn between trying to accept her for who she is and trying to stop the physical and emotional problems that come from being overweight. I'm not sure how I can do both.

@RandomButtons how was your mother's behaviour towards you?

I think you need to take practical control for starters. At ten she doesn't need open access to any kind of food she wants in any quantity. As the parent you still get to decide what food is available and when to say no, just as you would if she wanted to stay up till 1am, not do her homework or watch an 18 movie. So the rule would be for me, if you havent eaten the dinner you were given, then you will not have something else in 30 minutes time. Food rules are just rules, and as long as you don't link them to weight when you implement them, you're not going to be creating problems. As for emotional and boredom eating, it's distraction and the introduction of healthy outlets. So, no DD the rule is no more cake today, how about we do whatever instead. I'm not saying you can prevent an ED, it's a hugely complex area and she may well need supportive therapies, but the practical measures may help.

I’d be wondering about increasing activity levels. It doesn’t have to be exercise specifically, but she won’t be at home eating out of boredom if she is out and about doing other things. Increasing physical activity is also a good way to promote health etc and look at it more holistically. I think I’d be shifting the emphasis right off food and onto activity, as it’s also something you can do as a whole family, whether it’s swimming some laps and then having a play at the pool and an ice cream, or bike riding/bushwalking and a picnic, or rock climbing. I’d also sign her up for a couple of team sports with friends. She doesn’t need to be a sports superstar, but it keeps her busy, social, and active. Winner!

I would say - do not buy snacks at all. Nuts, fruit should be the only options between meals. When you cook pasta - only cook whole meal or brown versions for slow energy release, no white- shop bought bread- it has next to no nutrition, then why pay for it? . At this age you are the only provider of food and you control it. Control it!

My dd was heavier in the womb than my son was. 4lb heavier at birth.
she inherited my large, heavy frame (thanks dad!) and my son inherited my husband’s light, slim frame. Classic endo and ecto morphs.

if this is the case in your family it does take some careful management - often one child will store excess weight on exactly the same diet as a child who doesn’t. Life’s a bitch.

my dd is now a curvy 18yo who is finally taking responsibility for her size by eating more healthily and going to a gym, but it’s taken a few years to get there. She’s benefited over the years by a very supportive group of friends who always compliment each other and build each other up, which is essential if they’re going to navigate the teen years painlessly. Also I never, absolutely never, dieted or mentioned the word fat at all - stress was always on health not appearance.

if I were you, and I was, I’d cut down the starchy carbs for the whole family. I’d try and get her as active as possible and I literally wouldn’t buy food you know is processed crap. If you want cake, make one.

you have this year to create the best attitude to food as possible, because when she’s at secondary they all eat crap ime, and some of them seem to suffer no ill effects whilst others do.

I think there are probably some practical things you can all do as a family to encourage a better/different relationship with food.

As an example if you’ve served a meal like pasta bolognese and she only eats some, if you know she’s going to be hungry again in half an hour, keep her meal and she can have it later. My parents always did this, unless of course it’s a meal she doesn’t actually like, our portion never went straight in the bin when we left the table they would always keep it to one side because 9 times out of 10 we would end up going back to it shortly when we were hungry again, kids just sometimes struggle to eat a full portion in one go as they feel full/get bored, but half an hour later could & do finish the rest. This also gets rid of any habit of leaving dinner to get dessert quicker, because you learn quickly that all leaving dinner gets you is…another try at dinner.

Also, at 10, her diet can only be “terrible” if you enable it to be. She has no income of her own and presumably isn’t doing her own food shopping which means she can only be eating what you provide, so maybe look at that. Again as an example we always had plenty of fruit & yoghurts available to take whenever we wanted, we could always have a sandwich between meals if we were hungry or some crackers with cheese, but we couldn’t sit and have chocolate/crisps etc all day.

I think cooking together is a good idea also!

I was never fat as a young child but my mother had issues with food and her own weight yo-yoing between being severely underweight and obese. you say your daughter is overweight but whats her bmi is it just outside the normal range? Just like my mum you are projecting your issues with weight onto your daughter and this is her response. My mother used to drag me along to weight watchers once a week in the evening, not to be weighed because I was a child but I had to sit there and listen at an age when I really shouldnt have been subjected to this sort of shit.

It meant I had a really unhealthy relationship with food. my mother used to reward me with food if I had "been good" the day before and made healthy choices. she was really rewarding herself and didnt want to eat these treats alone.

It has set me up for a lifetime of obesity and all the issues this brings. I dont see food as fuel its a punishment, its a reward its something in between.

Sort your own issues out first before tackling hers. concentrate on doing things together outdoors and active. Please dont pass on your unhealthy relationship with food to her and condemn her to a life time of it.

She was permanently on a diet. Weighed me regularly when I was overweight and tried to use me as her dieting buddy. She was overweight herself. She had very unhealthy relationship with food - eat tiny diet meals then eat massive bars of chocolate later.

She was also highly critical of most anything I did, I never got any praise or acknowledgment unless I lost weight. No “you’re awesome for being a kind person” no “hey you’re really talented at xyz, or well done you got good grades” just constant reminder that I could have done better and criticism of anything i could do.

Build a positive affirming attitude around your daughter. Make her see her strengths and how awesome she is. The weight will balance itself out. Overeating and undereating are often Linked due to massive self esteem issues.

I have similar struggles with my daughter, but I am well aware that at 10, she can only eat what I give her. So we cook together, we all have controlled portions, and there are whole-family rules about snacks and treats. She has been brave enough to challenge her teacher about the 'food pyramid' being taught at school that still has carbs (rather than veg and pulses) as the main category.

At ten she doesn't need open access to any kind of food she wants in any quantity.

Agree with this. My DC are 11 and 9 and they don’t get to help themselves. If they want a snack my usual response is they are allowed nuts or fruit, often they say no which means they weren’t really hungry.

If you can manage to wean your DD off her carby snacking habit you’ll be doing her a lifelong favour - and I’d say the same if she wasn’t overweight.

@RandomButtons thank you for sharing that's helpful. I think I big her up with my words but not my actions which I'm working hard to change.

She has trauma from what? The bullying or something else? Help her deal with that first, that seems like the bigger issue here. Can she move schools? Does she have any hobbies that you could join her in doing? Any clubs she would be interested in joining to help boost her self esteem? Even just a weekly family walk might help her feel better and less alone

@tillytown trauma from the bullying. I'm working hard to help her recover from that, I just fear I'm not successful. She had to leave her clubs because of the bullying, she has joined some new ones but hasn't made friends as she's become so shy and wary of rejection. Joining her is a good idea though, I'll think about that. We do lots of family outings but we could definitely do more activity based things.

You don’t sound fat phobic at all to me op, you just sound concerned about your dd’s physical health, mental health and emotional and social wellbeing- there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. I echo what others have said about wholewheat only options, mash butterbeans into mashed potato, use them as part of or as whole of ‘white sauce’. Offer fruit or nuts for snacks only and keep whole fat options to curb hunger. Don’t go overboard on being active- it needs to be fun or it’ll feel like a punishment to her. Try and encourage positive friendships for her.