To not date until my children are grown up

[RunningUpThatHill12]

I'm 32 and a single mum of two lovely children (8yr old girl and 4yr old boy). My eldest came from a long term relationship with my first boyfriend, who left me unexpectedly at 7 months pregnant for someone else and ended up marrying her. He never wanted to know DD. It absolutely devastated me at the time and I have remained single since then. My DS was conceived through a one night stand (the only person I have actually slept with in this whole time). It was extremely stressful but I decided to keep him. He is the light of my life, they both are. DS has some additional needs and he makes me so proud every day with his progress. They truly are my everything. To the point - I'm still young and of course I sometimes feel lonely/want to have sex/wonder what having a more traditional family unit would be like. But I feel like we are a tight unit and they've never known me to be with anyone. They are happy and settled and I'll be honest, I do sometimes think not having step-parents/split custody arrangements has been easier for all of us in a way. I genuinely believe they aren't affected by not having a father (at this point, anyway). I speak openly with my daughter about it, tell her it is ok to ask questions, etc, and she just isn't bothered. Would it be sensible to decide not to date/have any relationships until they are older? My own parents divorced and remarried multiple times growing up and I had many step siblings who I didn't get along with and I just don't want this for them. But I also feel like I'm young and "should" be dating. I don't know. Thanks, J. X

I know a couple of women who were similar, in that they thought they should be dating. Both realised it was more hassle (for them) than it was worth so waited until their dc were teenagers. You do what is right for you.

Very sensible. If you look at the statistics unrelated males living in the family home show they're not bedtime reading.

I agree with you, your children sound like they have a happy and stable family unit, no drama, and a mum who puts them first. I wouldn’t rock the boat. Maybe when they’re older and flying the nest, that’s the time to consider dating if that’s something you want.

I’m in a similar situation and have done the same as you- my children come first and I don’t believe it’s generally wise to bring another adult into their home and make them adapt to it. Their home should be their place of privacy and comfort- and I don’t think bringing an unrelated adult into their space is fair.

I would date but not get anyone involved in your secure family unit??? Cos it could cause a lot of problems if you introduce someone, the kids get attached to them and it goes wrong. Its difficult but you need to protect your family first x

My mum never dated anyone when i was growing up, which i liked at the time but then i moved out and went to uni at 18 having no idea what a good healthy relationship looked like

I don't think you should put your romantic life on hold just because you have kids. You can still be cautious, careful and not introduce anyone unless it's serious but you matter too! And it's a long time in between now and them being grown adults who maybe leave. But if you don't want to it's another matter. I'd also say, probably controversially, that you have more chance of meeting someone decent and appropriate at 32 than you do at 45 or 50.

I think dating and having a live in partner are two separate things.

I agree there are a lot of risks and downsides to having a new partner living in or regularly staying over.

However I don’t see the harm in going for dates if you can get/afford a trustworthy babysitter.

It doesn’t sound like you particularly want to date right now anyway but if you do feel like you want to in future, it is possible to keep it entirely separate from your kids.

Thanks for the responses everyone. I actually get quite a lot of pressure put on me by people to date. I don't think they see us as a complete family unit as we don't have a man in the house! I love our little life and my children are really secure in themselves and thriving in all areas. When I was chatting with my daughter not long ago and something was mentioned about her bio dad, she actually said, "God, I can't imagine having to deal with two parents" 😄

Also want to add, I think I may like some form of casual arrangement in the future. But certainly not with my kid's around or having them involved in any way.

It’s a tricky one. I was a similar age to you when I started dating. My daughter was about two. Someone said to me don’t wait until you’re losing your looks. So I dated a ton and I met my husband. I was lucky because he’s a good man. Lots aren’t. Dating doesn’t mean you have to introduce or have him in your home. It’s not an all or nothing situation. Equally if you’re happy as you are don’t date.

I’ve been a single mum of 4 for four years now. Split with my ex at the end of 2019 and been single since. In all honesty I just cannot imagine slotting a man in to our lives and don’t know where he would fit in. An unrelated man certainly would not be living with us, so if I even had the slightest interest in dating it wouldn’t be anything serious.

I highly doubt a man with no children would look twice at me with 4 children, so if I did meet someone it would probably be a man who is in a similar position to me ie he has kids, life is busy, his life revolves around them and we just meet up when we can. I would be fine with that. Some couples live apart for a long time because they both have children and living together would not work.

I certainly have no desire to be a stepmum to anyone’s children as I have 4 of my own children to concentrate on, so it will always be something casual until my children are much older.

A serious live in partner is just not going to happen because me and my children are happy as we are. A man should he ever come along will be kept separate to them. That’s just me though. Some people move on and manage to juggle kids and a partner and blended families just fine and I won’t knock them for that. I just don’t want the hassle or take that risk.

Your daughter sounds amazing 😂

I've been single pretty much since my DS was a few months old as my XH is one of those men who became extremely abusive once I was pregnant. At first as I accepted that my marriage was over, I had thoughts that I'd start a new relationship and possibly have more kids. But the reality is that I won't do anything to up end my DS's sense of security. I will never, ever move a partner into his home while he is dependent on me. He's a child, his rights are my responsibility and he has the right to all the security I can give him. I chose to create him and that means putting his needs above my wants for the entirety of his childhood.

So sure, at some point I might like to be in a relationship again but I am not actively looking for one. If I happen to meet someone I'm crazy about in the future, then I'll be making it clear that I am not looking for a relationship that moves at anything other than a glacial pace. We could date but not live together for at least the best part of the next decade. I'm committed to not living with a man until at least after my DS completes his undergrad if he goes to a local university and lives at home through it. And even when/if I ever do reach the point of moving in with a partner, I'd only be doing so in a way that leaves my assets to be inherited by DS after my death.

I'm more than aware that my boundaries aren't going to be appealing to a lot of men, unless they are possibly in a similar situation and want to protect their children's stability and future inheritance too. It minimises the odds of me finding a future partner, but if that's the case, so be it. Especially as I have other non-negotiables that I look for in a future partner. I'm on an extremely fulfilling career path and have amazing hobbies that keep me super levels of fit with the type of physical capabilities that blow my mind when I think about how it's really me that can do these things. I'm genuinely really happy and full-filled every single day. Maybe I'll feel differently when my DS is older and needs me less and less day to day. But right now I have all the love and joy I need and I don't think adding a partner could possibly add more than it would take.

When my mum and dad got a divorce, my mum stayed single by choice so that she wouldn't introduce a stranger into our lives before we were adults.

Now that we're all grown and moved out, she finds being alone a bit hard and regrets it

Some step dads can be amazing.

It's really up to you, there's no should or shouldn't. I also think life chances once the youngest is 12 or so because you can leave them to go out in the evening etc.

My advice, never say never but follow your instincts

As someone else said, you could have a relationship, just don't share your home with them.

I got divorced when my children were at primary school, they are now working adults and whilst I have been in a relationship for the last 10 years we have separate houses. It just keeps things simpler.

I am not planning to split from my partner but if we did it would have a lot less impact than if he was living here.

I agree you're right not to go looking for another relationship at the moment. Raising children is difficult and, if a child has additional needs , time consuming. Especially dealing with all the beaureaucracy involved in ensuring their needs are met and trying to get the support you all need.

It's also refreshing to read that you realise the cons of introducing a stranger into your children's lives. You can't expect children to accept someone who would impact their lives significantly just because he's your boyfriend or partner

Still, you're a young woman with social, emotional and sexual needs . Do you have hobbies or specific interests ? Yes, I'm going to suggest evening classes, book club, sports activities. Something that challenges you mentally or physically with the added bonus of meeting new people and allowing you to take things at your own pace. Some people act too quickly based on a "spark" of attraction without thinking about whether that will last or not. If you meet someone in a social setting as opposed to OLD its a bit easier to choose not to continue.

I don't know if this is a "mumsnetty" topic but while you are without a partner you can self induce the hormones and endorphins produced by sex without the muss and fuss of a ONS and lots of places where you can access aids to help achieve this. The online stores use ultra discreet packaging and the products aren't as obvious as they used to be...maiden aunts would no longer run off screaming into the distance.

Maybe I haven't suggested anything new but over all I just wanted to offer you my support and admiration for putting your children first

I just wanted to offer you my support and admiration for putting your children first

This comment crosses a line for me. No issues at all with OP choosing not to date but painting her as some kind of heroic martyr doesn't sit right. Choosing to date isn't a sign that someone doesn't put their children first. This path only leads to judgement of any mother who does try to meet someone new. The expectation shouldn't be that the best mothers spend 15+ years celibate.

My experience is that it can depend on how you transition as your children get older and more independent; I know of several people experiencing the challenges of a parent who made the same choice and it became a problematic dynamic as they became teens / adults and beyond. But it depends on other factors in your life and your mindset I think.

I did experience alot of mild pressure…is lavender brown dating anyone? If I had MN back then I would have been more comfortable being single. started dating right away because I was very lonely in marriage but didn’t combine kids finances or houses. People would ask me…why don’t you and BF get married move in together? God I’m so glad I just didn’t want that. I mainly didn’t want someone else’s stuff kids or pets in my house and very luckily I had early radar for cocklodgers (but not the name just the “rule”). I met my DH “in the wild” no OLD. You are young continue as you are with your DC and if you organically meet someone you fancy consider dating but just dating not combining lives. I feel alot of MN get involved in dicey situations from financial insecurity. Strive for your own financial security so dating is for fun and
not seeking financial/parenting help.

I have 2 young boys 6 & 3, their dad left before our youngest was 1, he had been having a long term affair & he moved straight in with her,they have 2 kids now also & she has 2 kids who are in & around my boys ages,I've been single since & plan on being single for the foreseeable future, I have no intention of dating, my ex's relationship is quite toxic & they are on/off,argue a bit etc so i feel i can be a constant for my kids if their dad cant. No judgement to anyone who does date but it's just not for me (i also get very little time as kids are with me almost all the time,i get 1 night a week off) well not right now,that might change though

What a horrible thing to say to you.

You sound like you are a brilliant mum and I can see how much you love your children. I don’t think you should put your life on hold though. Think of what you are missing out on. You don’t have to move some bloke in. You can always meet someone and go at your own speed. As long as you are honest about your situation with them it could be a good thing for you. Hope all goes well.

Dating and bringing someone home are two different things.

Date, enjoy it. It doesn’t have to mean bringing them around your children or entering a serious relationship.

Also you could actually let someone who is perfect for you pass you by without even realising it because you are setting up too many rules for yourself

I made a decision not to date after a failed long term, blended family type relationship when my DC were older primary school age. They are now older teens and I have dabbled in dating recently as they are more independent and found I'm not at all interested.

I have been single a long time and like my own time and space too much, plus the quality of single men out there means finding a decent one takes a lot of effort and commitment and I can't be bothered.

I also get the questions about am I seeing anyone, won't I be lonely when the kids move out and I honestly don't think I will. I have a career, friends and family and plans for what I want to without having to consider someone else.

So, in short, it is absolutely a valid decision which everyone will question but be aware that when you come out the other side you may be that content no man could add anything to your life which is great if you can see yourself single forever but not if you enjoy relationships.