To want to go on long term sick leave or make myself unemployed?

[Tellmeifimwrong]

For context: I'm a lone parent to 2 dc with some (mild) additional needs. Ex is abusive and now refuses to see dc as a way to continue control over me. I've also left my own family behind as I had a difficult childhood and needed to start afresh. So I'm basically quite alone and quite burned out. And I work full time (term time only).

Current situation: been signed off work for the first time ever after a virus over Christmas left me with quite severe long covid type symptoms. I've now been off work for 2 weeks, I have one more week off then Easter hols then I'm back to work. While I'm feeling physically slightly better (although still shattered most days) the benefits to my mental and emotional wellbeing have been unimaginable. I didn't realise how stressed I was before, I can't believe how relaxed I am now. My relationship with my dc has improved immeasurably in just 2 weeks. My sleep, my diet, my happiness have all improved. I feel fucking fantastic and I don't want to lose it.

But of course I have to go back to work at some point. I'm dreading it already. I've looked at jobs that are wfh but there's nothing I'm qualified to do that would maintain my current salary (which isn't high, but I certainly can't go any lower). Changing jobs would also mean working through the holidays. I'm desperate to stay at home and not return to the manic rat race of getting everyone up and out in the mornings and rushing into work and getting everything done in the evening and getting to bed on time and getting up at 6am and doing it all again.

Please help! I need a brainwave as to how I can maintain this lovely zen feeling I have, and not get ill or burned out again!

It's only ten weeks from Easter to Summer, I think you'd be mad to give up work now (unless you're a teacher and you need to give notice now to finish up in Summer). Why not make it through to summer then take some time to either look for a different job, or think about reducing your hours, or just explore the many many other options you have rather than giving up work entirely. It's honestly soo difficult to get back into work if you step away completely.

What is it you do for work now? Maybe there could be suggestions of something else you could do?

I have one more week off then Easter hols

so you’re term time only?

There's 13 weeks of term time from Easter to summer where I work but yes that's a fair point, I can manage that and then have a proper think rather than a panicked one.
@Overthebow I'm pastoral support staff in a school.

Ex is abusive and now refuses to see dc as a way to continue control over me.

surely this is a cause for celebration??

it’s very odd op

but you gloss over fact of money. if you went on JSA you would be expected to find work. and quickly.

Pastoral support staff in a school can be very emotionally demanding.

I know people in my school who have done similar roles who have moved on to better paid and less stressful jobs.

Take the Easter hols. Go back over the summer term. Start researching jobs. They are out there

Sounds like you've got it made already, term time is the dream in my world! However I think what you need to focus on is not work but maintaining the zen feeling. SO does everyone really need to get up at 6am? What exactly needs doing? Get up, dressed, breakfast then go. Everything else sorted the night before. Have a massive de clutter before you go back to work - clear house makes for a tidy mind. Do something new like when we get home we all have dinner then go for a walk - maintaining that zen. No screens except for homework, board games, family time etc easy dinners I.e gousto. Can you get afford to get a cleaner? There's lots of ways of maintaining this zen feeling going forward but work isn't the main one.

Basically you don't want to go to work, you and the rest of the general population!!

@Octavia64 what jobs have they gone on to? You're right it's emotionally demanding, I feel like I spend all day pouring my energy into other people's kids then have no energy left for my own.
@InterestedinEfteling don't think I can afford a cleaner but worth looking into, as one of the things that gets me down usually is the house being a pigsty. It's so lovely and clean now! Yes I have to get up at 6 as I need to be in work by 8, and I have to get up 30 mins before I can shower because ancient immersion boiler needs switching on!

OP are t you concerned about money?

and both your children are in secondary?

She wouldn't get JSA or Universal credit anyway, you're not eligible for it if you make yourself unemployed.

Pastoral support is the sort of job you don't leave at the door, you take all that emotional stress with you and worry for the children you are working with.

I left school work and moved to a public sector role, I WFH apart from 1x meeting in person every quarter but that's not compulsory. Yes I work the holidays but my DD is old enough for it not to matter and the Flexi working conditions means that I can run her about to friends houses etc locally as long as I don't have any meetings planned. I'm rarely ill which has been a huge bonus and am on just over £30k. There are plenty of similar admin type roles available at grade 3 and 4 where you don't really need any qualifications just the right attitude and willingness to learn.

You are seriously asking us to help you find a way to stay off work and claim sickpay/benefits, because you like being at home?!

I think you would be hard pressed to find a working parent who isn't overwhelmed and burnt out, but all giving up work is not the answer. you have it better than most, you get a break from work every 5 or 6 weeks and get 13 weeks off a year. Try only having 30 days off.

Get a grip OP.

yes

all very odd

money doesn’t seem to enter the equation

but then. any afford a cleaner so obviously is an issue

Hi op are you getting support for the DV - or able to seek your own therapy. Your job is probably full on. You probably could get more time off - do an e-consult and request a month. Stress - it’s tough having no suppor - I understand that - have a look at Adult children of alcoholics AND dysfunctional families. You said you had an abusive childhood so it maybe relevant to do. I wish you well. 🌺

@Singleandproud what kind of work is it you moved to?
Thanks @KTSl1964 I'm having cbt which is helpful and I do feel that this burnout/illness is partly a build up of unresolved trauma which I definitely need to deal with.

I don’t think the Op is asking anyone how she can leave seriously, she’s just wishing that all the shit that comes with a DV relationship, single parenting and Pastoral work in schools could stop.

OP I am in a similar situation to you and dream of the same, but like me I’m sure that the need to earn money is always going to stop you.

You just want it realised how shitty and thought it all dan be sometimes and how much your lot improves when work is removed from the equation.

Thanks @Tiptoptum you have it exactly right, I'm just ignoring the snide posts for now 😆 and solidarity to you, it's tough going isn't it. I dream of living in a women only commune type place where we all pitch in and support each other.

Hi OP. I don't have any practical suggestions but just wanted to say I completely understand. I was able to take an extended period of time off (not off sick) and I feel like in that time I learned how to be a functioning human being, which I didn't before. Home life was quite stressful in that time, bit my world was small and my mental health improved so much. Since returning to work I have reduced my hours, which has been good.

One thing I have learned is about making my day work for me, rather than me truing to do what I thought was the right thing to do. For example now when I have work I shower the evening before. It makes my morning so much less stressful. I actually set my alarm for earlier than I need to so I have time to come round. It is better than setting 6 alarms at 10 minute intervals and staying in bed till the last minute then rushing around. I know it won't be that straightforward for you but worth thinking about if there are changes that you can make like that.

Mostly though I wanted to say that I think society is set up for people to become overwhelmed and burnt out - there's nothing wrong with you for wishing things were different.

Could you refer yourself to Mental Health Access to Work? This would offer you some longer term support. You should have a risk assessment for your mental health before returning too.

I'm sorry to see some posters here are being less than helpful.

you need some support for yourself op
but if you are not sick enough to be at home you need to find support after work

Thanks @OhThePain77 I'm glad to hear you made changes that worked for you. You're totally right, society is set up for anyone except the wealthiest to end up totally burnt out. I did think about showering the night before but I sweat a lot overnight!! Considering asking for reduced hours and just taking the financial hit.
@ilovesooty I'll look into that, thank you.

also op i think work does bring benefits, it brings a sense of purpose and value, you would miss it,
understandable you are feeling in a better place currently but make some changes for when you do need to go back
be kind to yourself