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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect at least a proper thank you

62 replies

Ladylike0 · 25/03/2024 01:28

I recently organised a hen party for a close relative. It was very stressful and I put a huge amount of effort into trying to make it incredibly special for the bride and enjoyable for all of the guests too.
I had really good feedback from all of the guests but the bride barely spoke to me during the hen party and hasn’t said much since.
I kept thinking she was about to say thank you for all of your hard work and maybe say she enjoyed herself but I’ve now been waiting a week and it hasn’t happened.
I’m wondering what went wrong, she seemed to have a great time during the celebrations but I did notice she made several small digs at me.
I’m not too sure if I’m just being over sensitive or if she’s just overwhelmed and stressed with the wedding planning but she seems to be really off with me.
I’ve been feeling physically sick ever since the hen party and can’t sleep. I didn’t get the reaction I was expecting at all and I can’t work out why. I did ask if everything was ok but her reply just said she was fine but still quite passive aggressive. AIBU for expecting a bit more?

OP posts:
Happyinarcon · 25/03/2024 01:38

You planned a fabulous hens party, you’re a great friend. If the bride has a problem she needs to tell you, if she doesn’t then just forget it. You cant read her mind and you’re not responsible for her reactions. You’d be surprised how many passive aggressive people stop that behavior when it gets ignored.

Dartmoorcheffy · 25/03/2024 01:41

Just message her a few say was everything ok

Original poster
Ladylike0 · 25/03/2024 01:49

Dartmoorcheffy · 25/03/2024 01:41

Just message her a few say was everything ok

I’ve actually done that already, stated in previous post. She replied fine and was quite passive aggressive.

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 25/03/2024 01:52

Leave it then

You live and learn eh

Aquamarine1029 · 25/03/2024 01:56

Don't do things if you're expecting some kind of reward or acknowledgement. Live and learn.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 25/03/2024 01:58

How close a relative?

penjil · 25/03/2024 03:55

Ladylike0 · 25/03/2024 01:49

I’ve actually done that already, stated in previous post. She replied fine and was quite passive aggressive.

Show quote history

Bollocks to her.

Forget it and move on.

Don't contact her again. The ball is in her court.

I'd even be unsure about going to the wedding. If she's passive aggressive again, just say "What exactly is the problem?"

Then cool/quit the friendship. You don't need it.

Starseeking · 25/03/2024 04:08

YANBU given all that you said you did, but I'm guessing this was for your older sister, from whom you have sought validation since childhood?

Use this as a learning opportunity that you don't need her approval in life; you are enough.

Autienotnaughtie · 25/03/2024 04:36

It sounds like it's more that she's been off with you than actually saying thank you?

You asked if everything is ok, she said fine. I think you have to leave it. It may be that everything is fine and she's just a bit unappreciative.

Or something has niggled her . But if she doesn't tell you there's not a lot you can do.

At the end of the day you planned a nice event, she made passive aggressive digs and hasn't thanked you. Does she have form for being ungrateful?

stayathomer · 25/03/2024 04:41

Was she definitely passive aggressive? Some people’s texts don’t sound like if they’d said it face to face. If you’re really worried I think you should ring her and talk to her but if it does turn out she has a problem with how things were done do tell her you think you did a great job and it’s ridiculous to be this ungrateful!

TempleOfBloom · 25/03/2024 04:55

What was the nature of the digs?

Whackawhacka · 25/03/2024 05:02

just projecting a bit here, did you do the perfect Hen for her or for you?

Someone organised a hen party for me and it was arguably a great success. However every part of the event wasn’t me. I wanted relaxed and casual, low cost to make sure my close friend could come. This was glamour and cocktails and I felt out of place and spent the whole time worrying that my friend couldn’t afford to keep up.

I smiled and tried to enjoy it as much as I could but was inwardly miffed that my hen just became and excuse to plan her perfect weekend.

Greengumby · 25/03/2024 05:04

Stop chasing her - yes you deserve a thanks but clearly due to her own issues, you aren’t going to get one. Stop contacting her, stop giving her power over you, try not to give her free rental space in your head and take a massive step back.

WandaWonder · 25/03/2024 05:05

Whackawhacka · 25/03/2024 05:02

just projecting a bit here, did you do the perfect Hen for her or for you?

Someone organised a hen party for me and it was arguably a great success. However every part of the event wasn’t me. I wanted relaxed and casual, low cost to make sure my close friend could come. This was glamour and cocktails and I felt out of place and spent the whole time worrying that my friend couldn’t afford to keep up.

I smiled and tried to enjoy it as much as I could but was inwardly miffed that my hen just became and excuse to plan her perfect weekend.

Yeah I was wondering this also, mind you I didnt have one (by choice! but no I have nothing against them)

Polishedshoesalways · 25/03/2024 06:43

Whackawhacka · 25/03/2024 05:02

just projecting a bit here, did you do the perfect Hen for her or for you?

Someone organised a hen party for me and it was arguably a great success. However every part of the event wasn’t me. I wanted relaxed and casual, low cost to make sure my close friend could come. This was glamour and cocktails and I felt out of place and spent the whole time worrying that my friend couldn’t afford to keep up.

I smiled and tried to enjoy it as much as I could but was inwardly miffed that my hen just became and excuse to plan her perfect weekend.

Why the hell didn’t you organise your own hen if you have such fixed views on how you would like it to be??

The entitlement is breathtaking!

Op I would be furious with her, it is very ungrateful and rude. Stop messaging her. Stop contacting her and let her come to you. I wouldn’t want friends like this tbh. So would distance myself. These things are ALOT of work to organise, I would be massively unimpressed with her.

Janehasamane · 25/03/2024 06:44

It’s a bit extreme to be feeling sick and unable to sleep. Is there a back story here. Anxiety or a bad relationship?

LightSwerve · 25/03/2024 06:48

This all sounds a bit toxic - her having digs, being PA, you feeling physically sick.

What were the digs and is this actually a healthy friendship?

Justleaveitblankthen · 25/03/2024 06:59

It sounds like this is so out of character?
You wouldn't have noticed if she was always a selfish, grumpy type.
Definitely has a bee in her bonnet about something.

If she won't tell you, she may well have complained to someone else?

I can't bear passive aggression and would leave her to it.

Wouldn't be attending the wedding either. Would make an excuse, but that's just me.

Noyesnoyes · 25/03/2024 07:03

No good deed goes unpunished!

Sod her, be as cold back as she is with you!

Honestly, I've learnt that being g the only person arranging something, means you're the one that gets blamed if it's not 100% correct! Others do nothing at all and are treated better.

Meadowfinch · 25/03/2024 07:14

You've asked her if all was ok, and she's replied. Leave it now.

I watched two friends at work do this. MoH put her all into organising a lovely day at a spa then dinner at a country house restaurant.
Bride to be was furious. Her tastes were more for excess alcohol, partying at a nightclub, chocolate penises and veils with L-plates on.

It ended in huge upset. MoH being replaced. People taking sides.

Neither was wrong, they just had different tastes. And bad communication.

NobbyNobbs · 25/03/2024 07:40

I had the opposite experience as described by Meadowfinch - I wanted low-key and relaxing but ended up with rubber dildos and L-plates. Didn't fall out with my MoH but definitely felt a bit ignored.

Zanatdy · 25/03/2024 07:41

was she expecting something completely different? Did she make any special requests? She is very rude regardless in my opinion not to even thank you. I arranged a friends hen once and it was hard work

Testina · 25/03/2024 07:46

What did she actually say that was “passive aggressive”?
I’ve seen people not understand that phrase on here.
We can’t really judge the exchange as you’ve not actually said what it was.

Sunnydays0101 · 25/03/2024 07:49

I’d leave it now but distance yourself from her. She probably was expecting ‘something’ that did not materialise because she didn’t communicate exactly what she wanted and you are not a mind reader. She’s rude and ungrateful, it’s not you, not your issue, not your fault - move on and try put her out of your mind.

Ponoka7 · 25/03/2024 07:56

Polishedshoesalways · 25/03/2024 06:43

Why the hell didn’t you organise your own hen if you have such fixed views on how you would like it to be??

The entitlement is breathtaking!

Op I would be furious with her, it is very ungrateful and rude. Stop messaging her. Stop contacting her and let her come to you. I wouldn’t want friends like this tbh. So would distance myself. These things are ALOT of work to organise, I would be massively unimpressed with her.

Show quote history

Since the beginning of time the Maid of Honour/Chief BM or a close relative has organised the Hen. Of course it should be about the bride. Nothing entitled about it. Other people's celebrations shouldn't just be an excuse for a piss up or to get an activity the organiser wants subsiding.