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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When one says yes and one says no

33 replies

GingerGeorgie · 24/03/2024 22:42

To put it simply I want another dog. Up until 2022 we had 4 and we've lost 2 so now we have 2. I desperately want to get another one as even with 2 it just feels "empty".

I live, breathe and work with dogs. I arrange my work around the dogs to make it as easy on my DP as possible, although he does walk them one day a week.

I buy their food and pay for their insurance.

I have seen a few dogs in rescue centres I'd like to express an interest in. I also know of several that need homes.

DP just says a flat no, and won't discuss it. I go from trying to be happy we've still got two to feeling really sad and pissed off that somehow he gets to dictate what I can or can't have.

Also, DP buys things he likes and I never get a say. His argument is that his purchases are not living things.

How do I get past this? Why does the person who doesn't want something trump the person who does?

It may seem trivial to some of you but dogs are really really important to me.

OP posts:
TTPD · 24/03/2024 22:54

Sorry, I'm with your husband here. I do think that the person who doesn't want another living animal in the house gets the veto. And I don't think it compares to his purchases (although if those cause financial issues, that is a separate and valid thing to address).

EmilyTjP · 24/03/2024 22:56

YABU. You already have 2. It’s not like you have zero.

MonsteraMama · 24/03/2024 23:02

Sorry but I think YABU. I have three dogs, love dogs to death and couldn't be without them in my life so I do get why you want more. But I think when it comes to bringing a living being into a household it's all enthusiastic yeses or it's a no.

WhateverMate · 24/03/2024 23:06

YABU and I say that as the owner of 2 dogs and a cat.

It's both your home and the reason the 'no' gets to trump the 'yes', is because both of you need to be onboard with it, no matter who does the majority of care.

Spirallingdownwards · 24/03/2024 23:09

It's like kids. You shouldn't have another unless you both want it

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/03/2024 23:14

How do I get past this?

By focussing on what you have not what you don’t have.

Why does the person who doesn't want something trump the person who does?

Because it’s his home too and what you want will affect him.

NuffSaidSam · 24/03/2024 23:17

I think he's being unreasonable to not discuss it. Are you willing and able to have a proper discussion about it? Would you listen to his reasons and really take them on board?

Original poster
GingerGeorgie · 24/03/2024 23:18

MonsteraMama · 24/03/2024 23:02

Sorry but I think YABU. I have three dogs, love dogs to death and couldn't be without them in my life so I do get why you want more. But I think when it comes to bringing a living being into a household it's all enthusiastic yeses or it's a no.

You say you couldn't be without dogs in your life, so I'm curious about if you wanted more do you feel as if you need someone's permission?

As I'm really struggling with being a fully functioning adult that apparently needs permission. It's like he says no and that's it, I don't get a choice.

OP posts:
Roryhon · 24/03/2024 23:21

I adore my dogs and my life revolves around them (and our many other animals). We’ve gone from 3 to 2 dogs in the past few years and I prefer it. We intend to have less animals in the future (currently have 8), but plan to still have a couple of dogs and cats. But I still think I’m on your husband’s side.

Why aren’t the dogs you currently have taking up your time and heart?

What are his reasons for not wanting more?

Frozenasarock · 24/03/2024 23:22

If they’re that important to you then you need to split up.

It’s completely reasonable for someone not to want to live with a pack of dogs - I imagine his purchases are inanimate objects that have far less impact on your day to day life and far less responsibility than a decade plus commitment to another animal. If he was wanting a completely dog free life I’d say he’s fine to want that but was stupid to get into a relationship with someone whose life revolves around dogs - but he’s still living with and helping you with two, which most people would regard as on the higher end of normal for number of dogs in a household. It’s like children though, ultimately each person gets a veto, if that’s a dealbreaker for you then you need to end the relationship.

KrisAkabusi · 24/03/2024 23:24

It's like he says no and that's it, I don't get a choice.

But the other way around it would be the exact same thing "She says we're getting two new dogs and that's it, I don't get a choice".

MonsteraMama · 24/03/2024 23:26

GingerGeorgie · 24/03/2024 23:18

You say you couldn't be without dogs in your life, so I'm curious about if you wanted more do you feel as if you need someone's permission?

As I'm really struggling with being a fully functioning adult that apparently needs permission. It's like he says no and that's it, I don't get a choice.

Show quote history

It's not about "permission", it's about everyone being happy with the decision to add another life to a family. It's not like you're buying a toaster, you're making a 10+ year commitment to another living being. That is something that needs to be agreed upon by all parties involved.

If I wanted more dogs it'd be a discussion with my husband and I. This is unlikely to ever be an issue because he loves dogs almost more than I do, but if for some reason he thought now was not a good time then so be it. You don't make big decisions alone when you're part of a family, that's just part of it.

catscalledbeanz · 24/03/2024 23:27

Yes it's hard when the other person in a couple vetos a choice. But that's the reality of sharing a home, a life with another person. Compromise is the deal- I for instance WANT to paint my front door pink. The husband doesn't. He likes blue. I don't. We both like purple- so it's purple . A reductive comparison I know, but it is what it is.

On a serious comparison my husband wants more children. I don't. And that's it. End of discussion. I'm not having more children. He leaves me if he feels that his need / want for more is more than his love/ want to be with me. Thems the breaks in partnership.

Original poster
GingerGeorgie · 24/03/2024 23:28

Roryhon · 24/03/2024 23:21

I adore my dogs and my life revolves around them (and our many other animals). We’ve gone from 3 to 2 dogs in the past few years and I prefer it. We intend to have less animals in the future (currently have 8), but plan to still have a couple of dogs and cats. But I still think I’m on your husband’s side.

Why aren’t the dogs you currently have taking up your time and heart?

What are his reasons for not wanting more?

My current dogs do take up my time and heart. I always think the best way to honour a pet you've loved and lost is to shower your love on one that desperately needs that love - the ones that haven't had the best start. So having recently lost two I feel we have a warm bed and a nice home waiting to get some needy soul out of kennels.

I know part of DP's reasoning is that they take up so much of my time.

OP posts:
ThreeEggOmlette · 24/03/2024 23:30

As I'm really struggling with being a fully functioning adult that apparently needs permission. It's like he says no and that's it, I don't get a choice

It's not 'permission' - it's not like you want your ears pierced or to buy a new necklace.
You want to bring two more animals into your family home with their own demands, characters & temperaments which affects the whole family.

The adult approach to make a decision together, to talk about why you need 2 more dogs, and for your DH to explain why he really doesn't.

Frozenasarock · 24/03/2024 23:30

“As I'm really struggling with being a fully functioning adult that apparently needs permission. It's like he says no and that's it, I don't get a choice.”

You do have a choice. You can have him, or you can have more dogs.

Would you accept him dictating you should have a child? Move abroad?

Adult relationships generally involve a degree of compromise, and yes, seeking and receiving agreement before making major life decisions. That’s part of being in a partnership. If you feel the sacrifices are all on your part and he isn’t being a good partner, or you think he’s not willing to discuss major life decisions in the way you want then you need to rethink your relationship.

(

Mmhmmn · 24/03/2024 23:32

Is it a breed thing? What breeds do you have currently? Would he be more amenable to another ONE (compromise!) that is super low maintenance that mostly sleeps?

Mumofteenandtween · 24/03/2024 23:32

Is it really fair on a dog to make it live in a house where one of the people there wishes that they weren’t there?

bloodyBorat · 24/03/2024 23:32

I'm with your DP on this I'm afraid. It's not that you need his 'permission' as such- there's nothing physically stopping you from getting another dog, but living in a house in a partnership with someone generally means living your life differently to how you would if you were on your own in terms of the decisions you make. There are all sorts of things I would do if I wasn't with my husband (like you, I would have more pets) but I have fewer pets than I would ideally like because he really doesn't want more and I have to respect that if I want to stay together. He's made other, non-animal-related compromises to make me comfortable.

I also think, if you're a real dog person, it can be hard to understand what it's like to be someone who doesn't feel as strongly about them. I love them but my DH finds them really overwhelming and so we don't have one. When you love them, it's easy to think 'but how could it possibly be an issue', but for some people an extra animal could be a big issue and that's valid. A living animal is very different to wanting to spend your money on other things.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/03/2024 23:33

As I'm really struggling with being a fully functioning adult that apparently needs permission. It's like he says no and that's it, I don't get a choice.

You can reframe it as, "any truly loved dogs need two yeses". They deserve to be wanted. By everyone in the house.

I suspect, and you'll need a good counsellor to work this out, there's a hole inside you somewhere. You fill it with dogs, who love us in the purest way possible. You need unconditional love, and a lot of it, to feel whole and OK. You need to work out why.

Gravelgraze · 24/03/2024 23:36

Sorry OP but I think you need to focus on the 2 dogs already under your roof. If there’s any time left let your partner have a look in.

whyismysoupcold · 24/03/2024 23:41

As I'm really struggling with being a fully functioning adult that apparently needs permission. It's like he says no and that's it, I don't get a choice
It's not like you're in a tizz over what pizza to order. It's another dog to look after, for presumably 15 years. Of course your DP has a say. You should reconsider your use of the word permission, as it makes you sound unreasonable from the get-go.

On decisions like this it should be yeses all round or not at all.

Original poster
GingerGeorgie · 24/03/2024 23:41

Mmhmmn · 24/03/2024 23:32

Is it a breed thing? What breeds do you have currently? Would he be more amenable to another ONE (compromise!) that is super low maintenance that mostly sleeps?

Currently have a gun dog and a cross breed. It's not a breed thing.

He just says he doesn't want another dog.

OP posts:
PeloMom · 24/03/2024 23:44

This is a ‘2 yes one no’ type of question. If one person says no, it’s a no.