When one says yes and one says no

[GingerGeorgie]

To put it simply I want another dog. Up until 2022 we had 4 and we've lost 2 so now we have 2. I desperately want to get another one as even with 2 it just feels "empty".

I live, breathe and work with dogs. I arrange my work around the dogs to make it as easy on my DP as possible, although he does walk them one day a week.

I buy their food and pay for their insurance.

I have seen a few dogs in rescue centres I'd like to express an interest in. I also know of several that need homes.

DP just says a flat no, and won't discuss it. I go from trying to be happy we've still got two to feeling really sad and pissed off that somehow he gets to dictate what I can or can't have.

Also, DP buys things he likes and I never get a say. His argument is that his purchases are not living things.

How do I get past this? Why does the person who doesn't want something trump the person who does?

It may seem trivial to some of you but dogs are really really important to me.

I don't think your DP is unreasonable to not want more dogs in the house. You have 2 dogs to love and care for, concentrate on them. Maybe DP feels that if you have more dogs, you'll have less time for him? Do you prioritise spending time with DP?

Bringing another living creature into your home has to be a decision you both agree on. Either of you has the power of veto. This applies whether the living creature is your mother, your partner's mistress, another baby or a dog.

I disagree with most here, but I think it is a bit more nuanced. For me I am always upfront with any partner that dogs are a non-negotiable part of my life. I think if you have gone into a relationship with someone and they have been upfront from the beginning that something is a deal-breaker then to then years down the line start saying no or to move the goalposts is unfair.

If he were to play golf for example and after 5 years you were to say I don’t want you playing anymore-I’d think you were being a dick.

with people saying both partners need to be onboard-if someone wants kids and has always said that, then 8 years down the line the other person says no I have changed my mind- I think we’d all be slightly appalled that they had taken 8 years and that decision away from their partner.

I love my dogs, and dogs are part of my life. I am open about that. I would be completely blindsided if one died and after a while I looked for another and my partner said no more. The expectation isn’t that you tolerate my pets for the time being. They are part of my life and lifestyle and will always be there

I’m online dating and the moment (🤢) and am quite upfront and expect others to be on their visions of the future. If I meet a chap and he keeps saying “my dream is to move to Australia, my life plan is to move there in the next 5 years” and I go along with it, I can’t express a veto on the subject 5 years down the line because I never really wanted that.

If you get together and both don’t have dogs and then a few years in one fancies getting a dog, then of course one partner has a veto on what is coming into the house. If you have always had dogs, have been open about that and he knows they are part of the “you package” then I agree, he doesn’t get a veto.

You can’t get together with someone who is open about this and then just go for the war of attrition approach and wait for them to die off.

Thing is this is a no dogs or two new dogs. You still have dogs, you have two presumably lovely settled dogs. His not asking you to get rid of any dogs. His just saying he doesn’t want to add more dogs.

Maybe his over having dogs, maybe he doesn’t want the possibility of it upsetting the apple cart with the two you have. Maybe he has a point that four is just too many and too much time.

Nobody however is stopping you getting another dog, it’s not permission. However nobody is forcing him to stay with you, if knowing his position you decide to get more dogs.

A living thing be that a cat dog or baby is a two yes thing. It’s not a new tv or getting a hair cut your partner isn’t keen on.

To be fair, I don't think there's enough info to say that's what's happening. We don't know if they got any/all of the four dogs together, or whether they were all OPs and he's just waiting for them to die so they don't have any dogs at all.

I agree. But the first 25 replies were along the lines of if you’re not both on board, then it’s a no. Which quite frankly I really don’t agree with. I’d hate if I spent years on building a relationship and a life with some who then moved the goalposts. It sounds to me like the OP is a bit of a dog-nut, so I would be surprised if they had got together and he hadn’t been aware of her desire for multiple dogs.

I grew up with pets and lived without one at home for the first nearly 20 odd years of my marriage. Would I have divorced DH if he hadn't finally agreed to get one? No, but I am very happy he saw my side of things as that would have been very sad for me if he put his foot down. We have a dog and cat currently, both are rescues. @GingerGeorgie I'll bet you are on FB/Insta and the new batch of needy ones is popping up on your feed daily. It's hard! You may have to back away from that/think about other ways to support the charities that make you feel good about helping needy animals.

I have previously tried to make the case for increasing our numbers on the basis of these sad posts, but DH is not up for it. He knows we will always have a furry at home now but his views on size and number will obviously be taken into account. He has even done things for the charity like driven animals that needed to be collected from one point to another.

Two extra Boos is a lot. Could you foster?