To still let 13 year old sleep in my bed?

[DrSeuss84]

My DD is 13 and has always slept in my bed. For clarity this is a mother and daughter situation. For health reasons my husband sleeps is a different room. She just doesn’t want to go to her own room. She often has nightmares and likes to know I am right there. She is sufferer with her Tourettes and I don’t want to add to her stress by forcing the issue of moving into her own room but I am starting to wonder how long I should let this go on for. Am I alone in having a teenager still in my bed? Has anyone else allowed a teen to stay in their bed? If so what made them eventually decide to move out?

I’d say as long as your dd is happy, I wouldn’t want to rock the boat. She will eventually want her own space.

Personally I would want to support her in being comfortable in her own bed.

Can you fit another single bed in her room? You could room share in her room then she's not alone and hopefully will become comfortable there. Progress to letting her know that you're not spending every night there/the whole night and see how things go.

At some point she will surely want to stop though soon. Definitely at the age where she must realise this is an unusual arrangement.

likely to create attachment issues. She needs to sleep in her own bed.

I think the odd occasion its ok but every night I think you really should be encouraging her to sleep in her own bed.

Agree that's it might be time to encourage her own space now.

My Dd slept on a separate bed in our room.

on her 13th birthday, she left and never came back. She was later diagnosed as Audhd.

Well at 13 I think you need to be working with her so she becomes comfortable with sleeping in her own space. It’s part of growing up

I always find this a funny discussion - millions of adults share a bed with a partner because they want the comfort, security and stability. Why should it be any different for a child, regardless of their age?

With a DC a similar age, I wouldn’t be too worried by it. They will eventually find their own way and I think actually they’re still quite ‘young’ at home.

My DS did this until he was 12, he was never a good sleeper but then he literally just stopped overnight. I think were it not for lockdown he probably would have stopped before then. He's 14 now and sleeps like a log!

This is exactly what I've always thought. The two of us lying together for safety and comfort while a frightened child is alone down the hall. DS slept in with one of us until he was 13 and a half, no regrets here.

My DS is 15 and will still come and sleep with me sometimes. Usually when he’s not feeling well or something is worrying him.

^ This.

Your dd will move when she's ready. Don't pressure her. You could try a mattress on the floor in your room, see how that goes.

@Mummame2222 This won't create attachment issues. Helping your child feel safe doesn't do that.
My daughter did this til age 12 ish. She thendecided she wanted to go into her room and his been there ever since (15 now). There is no way she would get in our bed now! I don't believe she'll be doing this for long.

I’m glad it didn’t in your case. But I disagree that there’s not potential.

@DrSeuss84

my friends DD had (has) a lovely bedroom, but slept in with her Mum. She was still doing it at your daughter's age. I don't remember exactly when she stopped, (sometime when she was 14 I think, may have been early 15) but it was her decision & it just sort of happened rather than it being a big deal. (I think realising she could be in her iPad as late as she liked in her own room!)

no attachment issues
no problem with sleep overs at friends
no no problem with residential a (schools or hobbies)

just NO issue.

she's doing A levels this year, very independent, travels alone, very good at organising herself/studying etc

I never pressured DD to sleep alone it was a natural progression. For a fee years she slept alone now 10yo. But I did and always have encouraged her to sleep in her own room (school age), lying by her untill she fell asleep she has a double bed. If you can I would encourage (not force) the independence. If she wants to come back into your bed in the night fine but start where she is to stay. She will eventually sleep in her own room. For me bed sharing is no big deal once you are asleep does it really matter anyway. That stopped a couple of years ago. Now as she is a big bedtime reader she really appreciates the peace of her room.

DS 3 is still in my room. Own bed 99% of the time but still he is here.

Perhaps if she likes your room you could sleep in hers? Or swap rooms? While adjusting to the transition?

I really don’t think you’re doing her ( or yourself) any favours letting this continue. You need to be actively working on this.

My daughter was in my bed frequently until this age too, then she started sleeping in her bedroom when she was ready- no issues.

Occasionally she will come in, but that’s now a very rare occurrence and sometimes only for part of the night.

She has no attachment issues and goes off to family members, residentials and does just fine.

My DC started doing this after their dad passed away, they were 11/12. It went on for quite a while and relatives did comment on it. I didn’t make a big deal of it, as DC did need comfort, and eventually they went back to sleeping in their own room 🤷🏼‍♀️.

That's what my dd said at three: 'why do you and daddy share a bed when I have to sleep by myself?'

I found it really hard to answer her - and I blame myself for her anxiety now she's an adult. 🤷🏼‍♀️

First of all, I have a 13 year old with autism and Tourette who sleeps in my room and I say do what is right for you and your child. Give them what they need as long as they need it.

There is precious little support and understanding for kids like ours, so we shouldn't feel bad doing things our way.

Secondly, sending kids to sleep in their own rooms when they are very small is a custom started by Victorians and propagated by mostly male parenting "experts" decades ago who were very out of touch with what children actually need.

There is an interesting article in atlas obscura about communal sleeping which is very interesting and shows that Its the Victorian custom that's actually the strange one!

https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/communal-sleeping-history-sharing-bed

My 24 year old DD sleeps with me sometimes when she’s home for the weekend. 🤷‍♀️

I’ll think it’s fine OP. I slept in my mums bed/on her bedroom floor for years when I was a child-from the age of 9-15. I was an incredibly anxious child and I felt safe being with her. It must have driven her mad, which is why I sometimes slept on the floor but I’d rather that than sleep in my own bedroom, so I clearly needed it. I’m an anxious person now still but I happily sleep alone in my bed 😂 I’m a single mum and love my own space but over the years I’ve had my children in with me for varying reasons. I honestly think it’s fine. Much love, I know Tourette’s can be so hard to deal with.