Friendship worries

[Pippin24]

I’d appreciate your thoughts on friendships generally. I am going through a very tough time recently. I’ve been very let down career wise/ home wise and my mental health is suffering. I find it difficult in the extreme to ask for help though I will go over and above for any friends that need help. I’ve driven hundreds of miles to be with a friend who had a bad health diagnosis, babysat, gave money to help with Christmas etc. basically been a friend.

I tend to be the person who sorts out issues rather than someone who comes with issues to be sorted. I’ve recently reached out to 2 close friends to tell them how hard I’m finding it lately. Literally called them in tears. Support from them has been minimal at best. I told one how hurt I was at the lack of contact and support and she reacted badly - basically said she wasn’t aware that she needed to check on me etc. has her own stuff going on etc. my DH has said to ignore it- people are selfish but I’m so hurt.

I get that it’s stupid to be upset but I just feel so let down by it. Friendship isn’t transactional and neither would I want it to be but I would have thought that I warranted a call at least. I think back on the times that I’ve dropped everything to call them or physically go to them when needed and I feel so foolish now.

If my teenage son came with this story I’d tell him they weren’t friends. Here I am well into middle age doubting my own friendships.

house what a nasty piece of work that friend was. You are so much better off away from her. Selfish stupid woman. I wonder how she would have reacted if you refused her help when needed. Support worker? Fk she couldn’t support anyone !

I think this is fair enough. I don't dump people completely as a rule but just put people more into acquaintance box rather than friend box if they aren't there for me. It means I'm less bothered if things happen in their life and won't put myself out for them. We can still go out and have social events but just not going the extra mile.

A lot of women are raised to be “good girls” and people pleasers who put themselves last. And it gets taken advantage of. These girls are more likely to be depressed and anxious, binge eat, have low self esteem and a critical inner voice. To attach to relationships with people who are withholding and take advantage because it feels safe, though ultimately hurts them worse when they need reciprocation that doesnt come because thats not the dynamic theyve set up.

the way i got over this “training” was through therapy. It was really hard to lose those “friends” but it made space for me, i was able to practice having boundaries and self esteem and made space for much better quality friendships. I can spot a shitbag at 100 paces now, not bragging just better able to protect myself. Im trying to raise my children differently, but its really hard. I hope all the PPs who have had similar struggles can do the work they deserve to feel better. Sending a big hug.

Its very hurtful. It was an eye opener when our dad died who got in touch! People are users what can you do for them. I had a cousin make contact re exam results then radio silence once she got the info. Lesson learnt not being used again. Was hurt as we were good friends. Nothing since lol

Great advice on this thread thanks all.

weefree that is spot on! I’m distancing myself going forward from them all. I’m just sorry I wasted so much time investing in a friendship that was clearly so one sided. It’s a sad thing to realise how many people were around me for what I could do for them rather than just me.

Thank you! Thankfully I've had one good friend who's stuck me through the bad times and I treasure them because it's a true reciprocal friendship. I can tell you're a kind, caring person OP - look how you've responded so thoughtfully to each poster on here! I so hope you make the good genuine friends You deserve.

This is so true.

When my dad died (i'm an only) my friend of 40 years barely registered it. People i'd known for years in the village hid away rather than think of a few words to say.

However a work friend who i'd only known a few months was the one running up the drive to me with her arms open about 10 minutes after i texted my sad news (i was too emotional to speak on the phone!).

I've never forgotten that.

A friend in need ....

house that was such a lovely post that you wrote. Thank you so much for saying that. I feel so battered and bruised at the minute that it made me feel great reading that. I think I do deserve good friends but I think it starts with me having better boundaries. Ive started to look into doing a hobby which I think might help with some new friendships. I also need to closely look at what Im afraid of. ie why was I reluctant to challenge these friends about their lack of support. Am I afraid of them ending the friendship? - really though what am I losing if they did? - really are they friendships worth having?

I'm really sorry. People can be so shit. I've gone out of my way to do things to help people but it's rarely been reciprocal. I asked my closest friend (or so I thought) to help me with ONE thing, to pick me up from hospital after a GA (they won't let you go otherwise), and she made such a big deal out of it, like she was doing me an enormous favour and it was this huge inconvenience for her, so I ended up telling her not to bother. I don't go out of my way to help anymore. I don't have the energy to spare for selfish, ungrateful people.

Am I afraid of them ending the friendship? - really though what am I losing if they did? - really are they friendships worth having?

This is something I unpicked recently. I realised that putting up with shite for fear of losing relationships led to misery, so why was I putting up with it in friendships? I would rather have no friends than ones who took advantage of me.

Has anyone had therapy for this? I'm really struggling with this at the moment.
I've gone into full martyr mode wondering why there's only me caring and trying and noone else bothers? I'm hurt and angry and sad.
Can you sort this feeling out yourself or does it need therapy?

Anton that is so shit especially when you would have been feeling horrible anyway. Its like some adults have never got past the teenage selfish years, only now the stakes are higher. Friends come and go as teens but as adults do you really have the luxury of not appreciating a good person in your life?

Weary I think therapy is a great idea tbh. Im going myself. I know my poor boundaries and people pleasing are due to my childhood but its no excuse for letting that continue. You arent in martry mode, you are in sad/grief mode. I sometimes dont feel good enough so I try and try and then when something like this happens and I feel used and rejected it makes it all so much harder. We are good people. We dont deserve to be treated this way.

I had Cognitive Analytical Therapy (CAT) which looks at relationships (including familial and friendships) and patterns of thinking around them. I started it feeling worthless and left with a much stronger sense of self. I still have days where I feel like nobody cares (therefore I must be worthless) but I refer to the map we drew (part of CAT) which snaps me out of it. I've had lots of counselling in the past but this was the only thing to make a difference. It changed my life, so I'd highly recommend it.

I know Anton its awful. People so selfish now. Then you told on threads nobody owes you anything! Nobody follows up plans to meet either

laiste its so typical of people now. They dont want to feel uncomfortable so they avoid the person struggling. Selfish twats!

Perhaps some of our friends are destabilised because they can no longer see us as always a fixer of their problems?

In my experience this is it. You're the strong, stable one. Once you're not, they question everything about you and themselves, it isn't the 'contract' they thought they had any longer.

Stop doing as much for people OP. It sucks, I've been there countless times. But it gets easier.

God I could have written this. I've realised I'm very much a giver, I will genuinely help any friend in need but when I've had a terrible time very few people have been there> I realised recently that the people who are genuinely there are actually the people I would have originally said were not as good friends - i've duly adjusted my friendship circle. Its been tough as the people i adore i have realised only love the successful fun party person who maybe has a lot of "social value" they don't wants the person behind the facade :(
My life moving forward will consist of the genuine friendships where there is a balanced friendship, its been a real wake up call

Never ever say anything because you aren't likely to get the answer you want.
You still have your original problem and then a new one on top.
Just withdraw from people and see if they contact you.
You will then know of they want to see you etc.
Friends can be hard work.

I agree with this
I really hate the "we must meet" messages and then they can't commit to any date ever...

There's a social etiquette that's collapsed e.g. people not wanting to RSVP to stuff.

Of course everyone is different but I don't fit into the people pleaser thing

I have had good experiences with friends who are now completely different - so it's not that I originally befriended people who were horrible and just didn't spot it.

There has been a huge social and cultural shift IMHO and I think part of that is that friendship is no longer considered important. Fair enough, some people never found it important, guess they are in their element now.

I do realise I'm living through a period of time where certain cultural changes just don't suit me but they really suit other people very well.

This thread has really been on my mind today but I was trying not to hijack it as I could rant for ages!

This thread has actually made me feel less lonely and like there are other people like me out there!

Yes zero loyalty now. Im stronger now better boundaries but still hurtful when people dont want meet up. I cant be assed with it all anymore. I focus on 2 friends now thats it. Hate the must meet up too!!

I'm sorry OP it's sad but I think it is quite a common problem. People seem more selfish nowadays and unable to see what's really going on around them.
From my own POV in my early 30s I've lost a close friendship since I've undergone IVF and now a new mum. My friend is a single mum and over the years we've spent a lot of time together, nights in, nights out, holidays, days out with her kids and I've been a listening ear and helped out money wise at Christmas, emergency car repairs etc. She has met my son once and he's 1. I occasionally get a Facebook Like but no texts/calls. I've decided to step back, remember our fun times but accept the friendship has run it's course.
From my parent's POV my dad has a terminal illness and has been in hospital recently with pneumonia and seriously ill. Me and my husband were unable to help as much as we liked as we and the baby had a flu and couldn't be in contact with my dad. Some of my parent's friends who they've known for 30+ years didn't even bother replying to texts or bother calling my mum! Since my dad has been home some still haven't visited or just sent a text saying they will help where they can but when my mum has asked if they can pick something up for her from Tesco whilst they're shopping she's had no reply. I've found this very sad, especially when my mum has helped a number of her friends when they have had an accident/been unwell or their parents have been ill or passed away etc.
So the point of my lengthy post is to say I think the value of friendship has been devalued across generations and it is rare to find a friend who you can truly rely on.

weary you are definitely not alone! There’s little integrity left among people- no sense of morals in how they treat others. I’m am SICK of being told I’m too nice, giving, helpful etc as if it’s somehow a fault.

im the first person sought out for advice, I can calm most situations, defuse an argument. I hear all sorts of secrets - remember birthdays, life events etc - yet I end up alone when I’m in need - it’s so fucking unfair.

OP, as you have specifically mentioned, the “too nice” thing, it was actually something I discussed with someone dated last year.

I am absolutely baffled by what has happened to being nice and why it is suddenly seen as a problem.

We are still friends (inasmuch as you can be with an ex). He sent me this video because he has got some experience of online dating and says he’ll never do it again. (I’ve never done it but tbh all this friendship rejection might be a similar feeling?)

I think this video applies to friendships too and it is so depressing. I actually wondered if it was some form of sarcasm that I failed to understand but I think it’s real.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=65Yl0bIoepc

Advance warning, there is some cartoon throwing up in here which I hate.

I hope I’m not throwing a massive curveball into the conversation.

But clearly a lot of us are feeling kind of similar about friendships and I think there’s a really pervasive unpleasant side to social culture at the moment. Is this perhaps how people have ended up being suspicious of anyone who is nice?

I also think friendships suffer when communication is mostly by message.

But again I can see a lot of people are much happier communicating by message and not having phone calls or seeing each other face-to-face.