To not want my mother living with me if step dad passes first

[Sherrycat]

I’ll give some back story first, so you can understand why I don’t want to share my home with my mother.

we had a strained relationship while I was growing up, she was very critical, never had any praise & I dont ever recall the L word being mentioned.

I moved out in my early 20’s, her DH at the time was inappropriate towards me, & was never dealt with. She brushed it aside & blamed it on the drink. They moved to another country not long after. He is long dead & she has another DH now. We see each other a few times a yr.

She Is by no means a bad person, kind to others & generous. I think she just grew up with horrible parents & found it hard to show emotion. But the critical & fussy side of her is really hard to bare. When she visits I can’t cope with her after 3/4 days. She never asks if she can stay, she just books flights & tells me she’s coming. My husband doesn’t mind her, but she drives myself & my kids mad!

ok so the point of the post is…..My step dad is in his mid 80’s & they live a few miles from the nearest town, not walkable as main rd is dangerous with no path. I have other family over there who help out sometimes & step dads family, but I know once he passes she won’t want to stay in the house.

don’t want her living with me. I don’t have the space & couldn’t cope mentally. And I know this sounds terrible, but she left me to go to a different country with her pervert dh at a really vulnerable time in my life (violent ex) & young baby to cope on my own. Maybe I’m just different, but I couldn’t imagine leaving my daughters in such a situation. Yes I know she had her own life to lead, but I‘ll never understand these parents that move miles away, only to struggle in later life! Now I’m left feeling guilty cause I don’t want to deal with the fallout of that decision in the non too distant future.

So am I a terrible daughter? She has my other siblings but they don’t live close enough to anything that interests her, to make her want to stay with them. It’s just my house she likes to use as a hotel. Plus she annoys them too, & I can’t see either of them opening their doors to her either!

The fact that she moved overseas when you were an adult is irrelevant.
She can buy/rent a more suitable house.

YANBU and you are not a terrible daughter. Your mother made bad, selfish decisions that affected you, and she will have to live with the consequences, just like she forced you to.
You have the absolute right to a peaceful life.

She is not a good person. Many abusive people are nice to others as a performance to mask who they really are. In your shoes I would go no contact. You sound like a lovely person and shouldn't feel any guilt for cutting her off 💐

Fill up those spare rooms op. Library? Office? Dcat room? Laundry /ironing room? Gym? More dc?

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. You don’t need to justify why you don’t want her living with you. She can’t just expect you to house her for the rest of her days, just say no if she asks.

Absolutely say NO. That is all.

No way would I let her move in if it was me. With that kind of past I would have cut all ties with her.

It sounds like you are worrying about a future event, maybe because of the current situation where she comes to stay without agreeing dates with you.

Can you try to deal with the current situation (visits to you without your agreement )? Is it possible to have a conversation with her to say ; I'd like you and me to discuss what dates might be possible for your future visits - if you book flight dates without speaking to me first, be aware that it may not be convenient for me and you'd need to find somewhere else to stay.

You absolutely aren't a terrible daughter. Do you get on with your siblings? Could you discuss with them what the options are if she needs support. How old is she? She could come back to the UK and buy a home. She could go into sheltered housing if now elderly and needs further support. Living with someone who drives you up the wall after four days in your house isn't an option. She should have put the work in to build the type of relationship that would make you happy to be around her. She didn't. Think of yourself. She did.

Don't let her bully you. Say no.

And next time she tells you she's booked flights and is coming to stay, you say no that's not possible. You should have checked with me first. Let me know when you have sorted something out. If you are near enough I'll meet you for lunch.

If you start being firmer now she'll stop expecting you to be a pushover at her convenience.

Look at sheltered housing options - my sister & organised for DF to move closer, but he downsized his house and bought a flat in a retirement community that had a warden during the day.
Meant he was able to retain his independence a few years longer than he would have done otherwise - and proximity meant sister & I were able to do more, but neither of us would have coped with him living with us.

Why are you worrying about what others think?
Most people are not invested in thinking about the lives of others much less where someone else’s mother resides.
I think your bad past experiences are closing your judgement. You are a grown woman who has a voice , a family and created a loving home for yourself.
It sounds like you would benefit from help to make sense of your negative past & help you recognise what an amazing person you are x
You have choices OP , and the power and right to say NO

OP, first a big virtual hug. You are a good person and deserve love.

you don’t need to house your DM, the fact that you are beating yourself up about not wanting to says so much about your good soul. Don’t entertain a conversation about it. Shut it down. You deserve your family life, children grow so fast, don’t ruin this time for you. It’s a firm no.

You need to have a plan for when “she just books flights & tells me she’s coming”
This is bad enough now but what if she did that after her husband dies and then just won’t leave!
If she does it again you have to stand up to her & tell her to get a hotel/air b&b or cancel her flight.
For the future you need to make it clear to her in advance that it will not be possible for her to live with you, maybe discuss her options for getting herself another place etc.
That sets the groundwork and makes sure she has no expectations of living with you, as once he’s died it will be too late and you may feel guilted into giving in to her emotional manipulation.
My mantra throughout life has always been ‘hope for the best but plan for the worst’

She doesn’t have to keep living there if he passes and moving somewhere smaller and better connected sounds quite sensible. But that doesn’t mean she has to come live with you. She can simply buy or rent something better suited to her then needs.

Is she saying this is what she wants to do or is this just something in your mind? If it arises, just say no. If it makes you feel better then help her with alternative arrangements.

You're an adult, and it's your choice what you want to do. You don't have to do anything. For all you know she may not want to live with you. I certainly wouldn't want to live with my children.

I suspect this is how my daughter feels about me as I moved to another country when my children were adults and on their own with their own families. I mean, how dare I!

Maybe some therapy would help you more than being angry and resentful.

I liked my mum but still wouldnt have had her living with me! Supporting her finding more suitable housing is more than enough.

No your not a terrible daughter my relationship with my mother is strained too no love growing up no interest in my school work ect ect no chance would she be living with me and the other side of the coin I have a fab relationship with my children but I wouldn’t put myself on them I would never want them to look after me ..don’t feel guilty you have done nothing wrong feeling the way you do💐

Have that conversation now. Ask her what her long term plans are and if she's considering moving in with you, set her straight.

Are you sure she will want to move in with you?

Has she talked about her life if her DH goes first? Just start early saying it would be better to get a place in the town etc. if she mentions coming to you tell her you can’t see that working , you’ll be happy to pop over and help in emergencies but you don’t see your home running as a multi generational household and you don’t think you have the relationship where it would work to live together.

Do you know how she will be left financially if she is widowed?

Surely she wouldn't need to live with you anyway? She can just buy somewhere else closer maybe but she could live on her own. I'm really close to my mum but can't really imagine living with her to be honest. We have very different routines and like to do different things and unless I had a huge house I think it would be hard.

Tell her now that if she’s planning for the future she can’t live with you and she needs to ask in future before any visits if it’s suitable not just book. It’s 100% not okay that she ignored your step dad’s advances. Poor parenting isn’t an ax use for her behaviour. Myself and DH had terrible parents and it just made us want to parent completely opposite, not continue the trend of emotional abuse. We’ve told both sets of parents there will be no granny flat or living with us.

Just tell her no.

Has she asked?