To not want my mother living with me if step dad passes first

[Sherrycat]

I’ll give some back story first, so you can understand why I don’t want to share my home with my mother.

we had a strained relationship while I was growing up, she was very critical, never had any praise & I dont ever recall the L word being mentioned.

I moved out in my early 20’s, her DH at the time was inappropriate towards me, & was never dealt with. She brushed it aside & blamed it on the drink. They moved to another country not long after. He is long dead & she has another DH now. We see each other a few times a yr.

She Is by no means a bad person, kind to others & generous. I think she just grew up with horrible parents & found it hard to show emotion. But the critical & fussy side of her is really hard to bare. When she visits I can’t cope with her after 3/4 days. She never asks if she can stay, she just books flights & tells me she’s coming. My husband doesn’t mind her, but she drives myself & my kids mad!

ok so the point of the post is…..My step dad is in his mid 80’s & they live a few miles from the nearest town, not walkable as main rd is dangerous with no path. I have other family over there who help out sometimes & step dads family, but I know once he passes she won’t want to stay in the house.

don’t want her living with me. I don’t have the space & couldn’t cope mentally. And I know this sounds terrible, but she left me to go to a different country with her pervert dh at a really vulnerable time in my life (violent ex) & young baby to cope on my own. Maybe I’m just different, but I couldn’t imagine leaving my daughters in such a situation. Yes I know she had her own life to lead, but I‘ll never understand these parents that move miles away, only to struggle in later life! Now I’m left feeling guilty cause I don’t want to deal with the fallout of that decision in the non too distant future.

So am I a terrible daughter? She has my other siblings but they don’t live close enough to anything that interests her, to make her want to stay with them. It’s just my house she likes to use as a hotel. Plus she annoys them too, & I can’t see either of them opening their doors to her either!

Absolutely this - but especially the bit about making it clear in advance that she won't be living with you in future

Always best to get these things sorted out before anything happens, rather than firefighting a crisis when they do

For those that have asked if she would want to live with us, there have been a lot of hints over the yrs.

she has said very recently that when SD does die, she wants to come back to England. The thing is she thinks the home they own now isn’t worth a lot & probably wouldn’t have enough equity in it to even buy a flat where I live.

She had a lovely local authority home in the town before moving in with SD, I have asked why on earth she gave it up? She said it’s cause the local gossips were talking about them not living together. Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous?

My mother has never liked the house she’s in now, so it was a really bad move. I’ve told her I’m worried about her when the time comes & she’s told me not to worry, but how can you not? I know she’s going to find it hard to sell up & find something else over there & that’s why I feel bad that I don’t want to help by having her here. I know she would jump at the chance, she’s hinted enough over the yrs. she’s hard work now with her nit picking & fussing, lord knows what she’ll be like in 10yrs if she’s still about. She’s pushing 80 now.

For the poster who said I am resentful & angry, no I’m not angry, resentful? A little yes, because I’m left worrying about her, I think she was coerced by her ex to go. I also think she didn’t address what he did because she didn’t want to lose out on the life style he provided. She absolutely had every right to move away, but me personally, I wouldn’t have done it. One of my daughters is at the age I was & I just couldn’t comprehend doing it. Nor could I imagine not tearing my DH apart if he had groped her if she was his step child!

You just gave to be clear when/if the issue arises. Help her in any way you can short of having her live with you. It would be misery for both of you. Next time she hints, then simply tell her that you do not think that this would work, but will help in other ways if you can.

I like my mum too and she's also never going to live with me.

I'd recommend the next time she wants to stay and hasn;t asked that you have plans.

Next time she says she is coming back, ask her where she's going to live.

From a practical standpoint are you sure that she could financially support herself should her husband die? She isn’t hinting because she knows he has left the property to his kids or his side of the family?

She might be hinting about moving in with you because that’s what she wants- but she might be doing it because that’s what she needs, if his will isn’t providing for her. I’d double check that, because if that is the case he needs to make provision for her to stay in a property until death. It’s all well and good talking about what you want to happen- but your hand could be forced here. Much better to fight that particular battle whilst he is alive

Be careful because she may be seeing her hinting as “we’ve been talking about me moving in for years” or “she knows I want to move in with her and she’s never said no”. There’s never a good time to talk about it but before she’s widowed and grieving is probably better than after.

I worry about this also OP
YANBU
I was told every day growing up my mum had her own life to lead too, why does that not apply to us as they age?

It’s ok to not have her live with you. It’s ok to not care for her as she becomes more infirm. It’s ok to prioritise your own life and your own wellbeing over hers now.

its much harder to allow yourself to believe that and even harder to go on to do that.

Like some previous posters, I would be worried about the possibility of her turning up uninvited and not leaving.

I think I would start preparing her for the idea that your spare room is often/always unavailable now. You could say you often have friends to stay, or even that one of DH’s relatives has moved in permanently. In this situation, I wouldn’t feel bad about lying.

Or, you could be direct and ask her what her plans are. And if she hints at moving in with you, tell her that won’t be possible, but you’ll help her find a place of her own.

I think the best thing you can do OP is offer to help her move into retirement living accommodation. Then you can stop feeling guilty, knowing that she's in a suitable place. If she says no 🤷‍♀️ well that's up to her.

It’s in his will that the house is hers when he passes. I don’t know how she’ll be financially, I worry about this too.

It’s really hard, because even though things were strained growing up, she’s still my mother & she wasn’t all bad. I was well provided for, just not really emotionally. She cuddled me as a child & made sure I was clean & well fed.

She just wasn’t supportive. Anything I said or did she’d put a negative spin on it. If I went to her with any problems, they’d pretty much be turned back on me like victim blaming. I had an early miscarriage once & I didn’t tell her until a few months later. The baby was planned, but she thought it was a good thing I lost it cause she thinks it’s one less child to deal with if my husband ever left me! None of her children were planned & she once said to me that children are a prison sentence.

I think if she's just living with you you could just say oh God that wouldn't work, we'd kill each other! Each of you are used to having your own place. There's no reason why she should think she'd be happy living with you.

Next time she hints, have the conversation. Be reasonably honest - tell her that living with you isn't an option. You don't want another adult living in your house but you will help her find something suitable.

YADNBU. My mum lives with us and we get on very well but even then we have our moments! Plus there can be serious financial and social implications for all parties involved. It's not a decision anyone should undertake lightly at best and at the other end of the scale if you have a difficult relationship to start with, really do not go there.

Be careful because she may be seeing her hinting as “we’ve been talking about me moving in for years” or “she knows I want to move in with her and she’s never said no”

Absolutely

Putting off the conversation enables the idea to be "firmed up" in her mind, to the point where a refusal could be spun as a broken promise

Not that it matters since she has a history of victim blaming anyway, but you might as well save yourself the angst, OP, by dealing with thiss now

I don't blame you at all, OP, but next time she even hints at it, ask her about her plans, and if the notion comes up, make it clear that whatever she chooses to do, living with you is a non-starter. Don't get bogged down with what she did in the past. She no doubt sees things in a very different light, because people have a way of justifying their own actions. Hers are probably far more relevant to you than they are to her.

You are not a terrible daughter. From what I can gather she is a terrible mother because she put you and your siblings in the path of a string of abusive alcoholic partners.

You are understandably worried about the actions she will take in future, because she is currently repeatedly disregarding you and overstepping boundaries with no regard for your feelings, which has been the situation since you were a child.

I would deal with what's in front of you in the short term and you might find that the long term problem will sort itself out. You are within your rights to use your voice and set your boundaries, and if that entails telling her in a letter that she is no longer welcome to stay in your home and that she will have to find alternative accommodation for her holidays starting now, then do that. Will she like it? No. Is that what's best for you? You decide. Sounds like your siblings have already come to the conclusion, don't let yourself be the family whipping boy, time to draw a line.