Secrets

[littlesmellyteddy]

I have just found out that my DF is not my biological dad. It has come as a great shock to me and I am distraught. I have told my partner and he is so supportive. Not to drip feed but I am unsure if my DF knows and I am unsure if any elderly relatives know. My DM passed away a long time ago so cannot find out any details. My dilemma is do I ask my elderly aunts if they knew and try to find out who my biological father is. I would like to know. I more importantly do I tell my grown up daughters. They love their grandfather very much. As far as I am aware my parents had a happy long marriage. I somehow feel as I am betraying my DM by opening this can of worms but I dislike secrets thank you for reading

So sorry for the shock OP but how did you find out? And are you 100% sure?

I am 100% sure. It was a DNA test

I am sorry to hear that, it must have been a real shock.
I would ask your Aunts as you suggest as they might know.
Tell your daughters, it doesn’t change the fact that they love their grandfather.

Imo your dd's don't need to know right now.
But you do have the right to dig deep.. Be prepared not to love what you find though.... Your dm probably had her reasons.

I would say that your DF is the man who raised you, but I would also want to know more if I was you. I would ask the aunts in this situation and let your daughters know. It doesn’t change the relationship with their grandfather at this stage.

So very difficult for you to find out when your mum has already passed on.

Thank you for your replies. I feel as I am being disloyal to my DM memory. I also would not like to burden them with this if they did not already know. I am unsure if to tell my DF as he is in his 80's and I am concerned how he would take this news

This must be a huge shock.

Will the dna test help you find your birth father?

I think your right to know more is more significant than nor burdening aunts with the knowledge.

I'm so sorry, op. Something very similar happened in my family and it caused a massive amount of issues, as you can imagine. I highly suggest you take a very significant amount of time to process how you are feeling, because your emotions will fluctuate wildly as you learn to accept the truth. I would keep this between you and your partner for now until you can think more clearly.

Please don’t tell your dad, there’s nothing to be gained.

At the moment I am processing all of this.
I would like you to know who my birth father is but not immediately

I am unsure if to tell my DF as he is in his 80's and I am concerned how he would take this news

I absolutely would not tell him given his age. It's possible that he already knows and made the choice to take you on as his child. Are you the eldest?

I just don't see the point in telling him when all it would potentially do is cause him enormous heartbreak.

@Aquamarine1029 these are the thoughts that I have been having. I am scared my daughters will look at my DF differently he absolutely adores them and their children

@Aquamarine1029 I am the eldest my DB is 12 months younger than me

Could your mother have been pregnant when your parents got together?

No they got married five years before I was born

I'd keep it to myself for now, this is a lot to come to terms with and the reason behind it may be painful.

The issue is that longer term this will come out, DNA tests are taken for fun now often with little thought of the potential consequences.

If you join the Ancestry pages on Facebook, you will be able to request a search angel. Using your DNA results, they will help you find out who your father is without you having to involve your family. They don’t charge to help.

Could there be fertility problems that may not have been discussed back in the day and ‘fixed’ themselves. Do you know if your DB is biologically related to your DF?

Just don't rush into anything. Do a bit of processing first. Talk to a professional. No need to tell dad or dd's.

Consider that your birth father may be dead, not interested, unaware, horrible, or worse. What if your Mum didn't consent? What if you have half siblings? What if they are dreadful?

Find and speak to someone qualified to help. Experience within my own family was not plain sailing. It is a lot. Sorry you have had this shock and wishing you well OP.

Whatever you do remember your father is the man who loved you, cared for and raised you, the one who you say adores your kids and theirs.

Are you certain your mother us your biological mother? Could you have been adopted and they never told you, never realising how easy it would be to find out? Do your siblings have the same parents do you know?

Is Donor sperm a possibility? It wasn't talked about much then, if they were married for 5 years before you were born it's a strong possibility

As I said, you really need to take a considerable amount of time before you speak to anyone besides a partner or therapist about this, and you need to carefully consider all of the possibilities before you decide to do anything. Your mother could have had an affair, or she could have been the victim of a crime. Your father may know the exact situation or he may know nothing. This could have been a secret held between your mum and dad with them thinking this was the best way forward to protect you somehow. There are so many possibilities.

The only thing I do know is that nothing can change or erase the fact that your dad is your dad and you are his daughter. DNA is absolutely not the be all, end all.

I think you should investigate further without invoking any family at this stage.

There are implications of inherited illness/diseases and the very tiny possibility that you have siblings who's offspring could possibly meet your own children in a romantic setting.

Gosh your father might not even know! I don’t think you can break it to him at his age it could literally kill him.

He would have no chance of answers either and it would change how he looks back at his life, wife and marriage

You might dislike secrets but this was one kept in order to promote your overall welfare and it seems it has been successful

I would not tell your father