To say no to party invites like this in future

[nightsurfing]

We live in a town that has plenty to do, in the town itself and a certain radius.

However the parents of DC at my child's school (late primary) seem to be increasingly booking birthday parties that are further away. A 40 minute drive minimum, and including in city centres.

The difference in attending these includes roads closed across the county and needing to go miles out of the way to get to the location, including finding multiple roads closed part-way through the journey, waiting on long queues of traffic for a couple of miles on the diversion and feeling completely lost where diversions aren't signposted, the satnav being no help, in fact worse it keeps telling us to go back to the closed route. We end up down tight little residential side roads that aren't familiar with higher risk of an accident. It wastes fuel. It is really stressful. Then sometimes the satnav (which is a good one) doesn't get us to the place and we're left figuring out how the hell to do it, finalising realising it's at the back of some industrial estate on the city outskirts. The parking when it's in s city centre is another £10 on top of the child's gift and card. And because we have to wait, money in a cafe or shopping. If you add these the party has probably cost 3x as much as if held nearer to home.

Sometimes the place is nice when we get there. But not nicer than places near to where we live. Sometimes it's downright nasty in comparison. Today we had to navigate a parking garage that smelt of wee with gross rubbish in piles around the doors. Several groups of homeless men yelling things as people passed. Only to find the party in a grotty old shopping centre.

I don't know the parents well which to know the rationale for these choices, or question them.

AIBU to just say no to these invitations? I don't want my DC to be left out and not go to parties but getting so fed up, and don't like how stressed I feel by the time we actually get there.

You can refuse for whatever reason you want but really, I think in your shoes I'd be tag-teaming to share lifts with another trusted parent. Shame for your DC to miss out if they want to go. How old is the child? How many more years of this do you have?

How old is your DC?

I found my DC started going to further away parties from the age of about 8-9 when they'd done the local ones to death, however, they didn't attend as many parties as when they were 5-7, so it balanced out. They went to all the parties they wanted to and we lift shared when we could.

It's probably worth looking up the place, check where you can park, maybe organise a lift share. And then you can weigh up the hassle v how much your dc wants to go.

People can choose to have their children’s party’s wherever they want to, you can choose not to attend if you don’t want to go. You have to accept though that will mean your child misses out and if they become known for not attending then you may find that when the next school year rolls around they don’t get invited to parties and that could be really upsetting.

9 and 7, it only seems to be the older one invited to parties like this

It's an invite, not a summons, of course you can no!

I think it's unreasonable to expect you to drive 80 miles (!?) for a kids party that's only a few hours.
Would it be feasible to broach the subject of minibus hire? You wouldn't necessarily even need the say so of the inviting parents. You could approach the others potentially attending and ask if they'd like to chip in for it, plus driver or one of you take it turns to be the driver? Or just broach it generally in the group. Like, when we do parties far away could we try this? Etc.
As kids get older it's good for them to get used to different places and cities if they live elsewhere.

I have a terrible sense of direction and even I don't have as many direction disasters as you seem to! Are you sure it's not your sat nav? Which one do you use? 40 mins drive isn't that far for a one off- plenty of people commute that to work every day. The local places have probably been done to death.

Of course you can say no however you have to balance that against how much your child wants to go.
If they're invited but not that fussed about going then yes decline but if they really want to go and feel that they'll miss out then it would be unfair to say no just because you CBA with a tricky drive.

It'll be a phase that's over pretty soon anyway I think as "organised" birthday parties become quite babyish once they're 10+ in my experience.

Well you don't have to go but it's a shame if you automatically refuse just because it isnt within a certain area.

I imagine parents choose these places as its more of a special treat for their children. For example, a lot of the places we wrnt to within our local city when our kids were small, we went to quite a lot both by ourselves and for parties. So going somewhere out of area is more new or exciting for them.

I think you’re being dramatic. Surely every party cannot be this much of a hassle. And it’s ridiculous to suggest that you’re forced to spend money in a cafe or shopping while you wait… if money is that much of an issue then just sit and wait at the venue and read a book. Take a thermos of tea or coffee if you must. You can sit in the car if you prefer.

by all means make sure your DC actually wants to go to make the effort worthwhile but I don’t think it’s that much of a big deal. Also Google maps will correctly divert you 99% of the time.

How far is it from school?

DD’s school was on the border of our town and the next. If it’s also 40 minutes plus from school, YADNBU!

Of course you can say no
An alternative might be to do lift shares so your child always goes to the party and yet you don't always do the driving. By the time they're 9ish, the parties are often smaller so it's only the birthday child's parents & one or two other cars that are needed to get all of the children there. I had a 7 seater so would take as many as I could.

If course you don't have to accept if you don't want to, not everyone likes to leave their small town, but you're making a big drama out of nothing.

We did a city centre based birthday party and dh and I drove all the kids in and dropped them home due to inconvenience and cost of parking. Yanbu. We limited the numbers to 8 to make it work

We always used to share the driving so one of us would drop off and the other pick up.

I don't like driving, particularly on motorways etc so in these situations I ask a favour of another parent. I will always re-pay the favour another time. Whilst I agree that it's a real pain to do horrible, long journeys to a party, I wouldn't deny my child the experience. They'd be heartbroken if they missed out.

The places are 40 mins to 1 hour drive from the school.

At the weekends a lot of a roads, and more minor roads in and out of the cities seem to be closed at the same time for road works, which is what is confusing the satnav.

Neither of us feel we're being dramatic.

We don't have loads of money, maybe it's different for those who do.

I hate this too. It’s very hard to manage logistics with three children with these types of invitations and it also just feels like overkill! The weekends just feel like a constant trek around the countryside and there is no downtime or chance for family time. I’ve noticed a few more home based parties recently which makes me think other people are preferring the smaller option, and the kids have absolutely loved those parties.

This sounds really annoying, and if it’s up to an hours drive it’ll be taking over an entire day! I’d look into if anyone wants to lift share for another time, I wouldn’t be messing about with all this just for a kids party, and I’m not bothered by long drives when it’s for a decent reason.

One of mine was invited to parties like this at the top end of primary school and the parents always took them all on public transport. The invitation was state to meet at X local bus stop or Y local train station at a particular time and that they should be picked up from there at a particular time.

YANBU to decline but YABU to complain about their choice to host parties there.

Sorry, I just realised you said 40 mins not 40 miles, lol.

Why don’t you share the driving with other parents?

Parties being held miles away are normal here but so is it normal for parents to car loads and turns.

Can you not get the train? It depends where you live we are semi rural and most places have been done to death. The kids enjoy the new to them activities a bit further away.