To have said no to friend moving in

[Lastqueenofscotland2]

Hopefully this is not too outing…
A very long standing friend of mine is going through what is going to be a pretty messy divorce.
They are selling the house but there isn’t a huge market for what they are selling (and they are being a bit unrealistic about the price) so it’s a slow process.

She’s desperate to leave the house, which I do have sympathy for.
Recently she asked about her and her 2 sons moving with me, if it was just for a week or so I’d consider it but it won’t be it would need to be for at least a year I would imagine, potentially longer as she is on a NMW and I think will not be able to rent what she would like (3 bed) and we are fairly rural, so social housing is incredibly limited.

There are a number of reasons why this is a no, mainly being space, I live in a lovely but VERY old cottage which was not designed with modern family in mind! I only have one spare bedroom, one bathroom and not loads of living space, it would be a real squeeze.

I really don’t like her STBXH and don’t want him in my house or turning up to see the boys unannounced (which he would do).
Also fundamentally I just don’t want to!

I’ve said sorry but no it’s not going to work and she has got quite upset about it, so now I am doubting myself!

If it was just her, that's be one thing. But your house isn't big enough for all of them.

Just for even daring to ask this of you, she's no friend. Cheeky cow.

Absolutely not. It’s a massive ask.

You don't have space.

Mad suggestion imo

To caveat I dont think the “getting upset” was her trying to guilt trip, I genuinely think she was really hopeful I’d say yes and her immediate reaction was to get quite upset when I said no.

But no thank you for the reassurance. I don’t have space and it would be a disaster.

Don't do it!!! I let a friend and her daughter move in with us for a month when her marriage broke up. 18 months later she was still there. I ended up looking after her own child as well as my 3, doing the school run, helping with homework - what a mug I was. It completely destroyed the friendship and we had been friends since primary school. I haven't spoken to her since she moved out.

She should ask exH to move out so kids are not disrupted more than necessary.

One spare bedroom for one woman and two DCs. It wouldn't work. Just say no.

I'm going to guess (hopefully) she asked out of insane desperation and not out of cheekiness... But no, YANBU. Even if it was just her it would be a big ask as it sounds like your space is lovely but big enough for one.

Jesus. Do NOT let them move in!

She has a brass neck to ask this of you!

A friend did this for another friend did this for "six weeks" which turned out to be four months. They don't speak to each other now.

Tell her you value her friendship too much to have her move in. You simply don't have enough space for her and her DC to live with you. Although her current housing situation must be stressful, living with you would also be difficult. You would quickly resent each other.

youre entitled to feel that way and make that choice. Perfectly reasonable. You could always offer her the odd nights stay alone as respite, so she leaves her boys at her house and you two have a night together, a nice meal and film, sleep over.

No, no and hell no.

If this ends your friendship, better now than after she and her children move in.

No definitely not. Her stbxh should move out so she can stay in home with the boys.

I'm not sure if even do that at this stage - it could do easily become the thin end of the wedge. 🌹

No it would be awful and you would potentially lose your friend over it if it comes between you.

God I'd never ask a friend if I could move in with them with 2 kids in tow. Like you say, maybe if it was a week or 2 if I was desperate I might ask but not for a full year! Sounds like she's now trying to make you feel guilty too

Or she's absolutely desperate. Hence her distress (not anger) when OP, absolutely 100% rightly, said it wasn't possible.

She is obviously desperate, which is understandable. She hit upon this idea in her desperation and it seemed to her that the minor inconveniences of sharing a house would be outweighed by the relief of escaping her current situation. She wasn't considering you, and was upset when her idea was rejected as it means she is still stuck in her house - it's understandable I think, and as long as she is a good friend who doesn't now push it I wouldn't think badly of her for asking. You are just a witness to her situation rather than in it, so can see all the practical and emotional reasons why her moving in is an absolute no-go, as well as the fact that it's your house and you just don't want to (which is reason enough!). I would happily let them stay for a very firmly defined week to bridge a gap between properties for example, but no longer, and of course you can't say yes to her current request.

YANBU. The fact that you live in a cottage makes it easy to say no - it really is impossible. But even if you lived in a larger home, it wouldn't be a good idea.

Say no.
I helped a friend out, was supposed to be a couple of weeks.

Ended up 6 months, she paid me nothing, although bought own food.
She got me a card and a bookmark to say thanks!