Dd and A levels like watching a car crash about to happen…

[Watermelon999]

So frustrated that dd has reached peak teenage just before A levels and is currently on course to fail (well E and C) based on recent mocks. (Predicted AB, not a chance of this now).

Lack of effort and engagement, lack of communication as to why and maximum use of phone and prioritisation of relaxation time. Revision non-existent.

Really struggling with how to deal with it, have tried carrot and stick, full on support with doing everything for her at home to free up her time, helping with lifts etc, all thrown back at me. Tried communicating, offered to help manage time and revision plan, but declined.

Anything else I can do? I’m so worried that her life choices will be so limited unless her grades improve, including not getting into her uni choices, but even this doesn’t seem to matter to her….

I feel like a prisoner in my own home at the moment because I feel like I need to be here to make sure she’s at least looking like she’s working and it’s not a nice atmosphere to live in.

Nothing you can do now. Leave her to it.

same position here with GCSE’s. She has realised in the last few months and is now putting the work in, which is almost worse as now we have frequent tears about not being able to do it and having too much to catch up on.

if she fails she has options. She can resit, she can get a job, do access courses down the line.
i know a lad who failed, went into sales for years. About 30 did an access course and is now a barrister.

life is not over, it’ll just take a different path.

I could have written this. DD lazed along and it didn't help when she did so well at interview the college told her they'd take her whatever her results. Which were every bit as dire as expected. Fast forward several years she did 2 A levels part time and got As.. She did her degree and then a masters. Why did she do the A levels? Because she was embarrassed when she had to tell people her grades!

Watching as also in same position with GCSEs. Trouble here is the more I push the less she does. So fucking frustrating as she is capable of decent grades but will be lucky if she passes.

Sorry don't know what to advise, are you usually close? Does she have other friends doing A Levels and you know if her friends have the same attitude? Is she in Sentimental relationship? Just thinking whether she could get motivation from peers. What about school/college? Have you talked to them? It could be that she just doesn't want to grow up and go to uni. Does she have career path in mind or just going to uni as a default? Lots of kids don't make their grades but end up in a suitable alternative course through clearance or just end up retaking A Levels the following year when they are more mature and focused, it's not the end of the world. Good luck!

What does she want to study at uni? Is there any chance she just had a bad few days with the mocks?

it’s stressful but there’s only so much you can do, she needs to motivate herself to put the work in. If she does do badly maybe it’ll give her a kick to work harder and resit (especially if her mates do well and all go to uni etc). She’s very young and has plenty of time to figure out what she wants.

has anything major changed in her life? If she was predicted AB that’s quite a drop. Has she lost interest in the subjects?

She must be an adult/almost an adult, so speak to her like that. Ask her what her plans are? Tell her what the situation will be at home e.g. will you support her to resit? Will she need to get a job? Will she need to contribute financially?

She's an adult who's making a choice and that's fine. Stop all the nagging and stressing and just talk to her as an adult about what her next steps are.

Chances are she will regret this choice, but as regrets go it's not a terrible one really. Good to learn this lesson now and not next year at uni tbh.

Nothing. You're possibly making it worse by taking some of the responsibility away from her and turning it into something sge feels even more negative about. Be there if she asks for help and keep communication about other things open so she feels she can talk to you without it making her feel bad. Maybe it's not the right thing for her. My DD dropped out of A levels but she worked and she's thriving now at uni on a nursing course. The 18 months working full time before that made an absolutely huge difference to her competence and motivation and has helped her much more than the A levels wpuld have.

Oh unconditional offers can be so damaging at times, I don't understand why unis do them apart from showing how desperate they are to recruit. Maybe there is s good reason and I'm missing something...

Teacher here... it really is up to her at this point and if she screws it up then there are plenty of options beyond this. Resits, year out, apprenticeships, whatever. Just make it clear that post A levels, the fun bits of her life, including lots of data and WiFi and money for socialising will be less available without some contribution from her so she will have to do SOMETHING. I know plenty of kids who just weren't ready for the intensity of a level. It's ok not to be. Doesn't matter what her predictions are, there's a whole lot of stuff that needs to come together and sometimes they just don't. It's not the be all anc end all that she gets the grades this year. Reassure her. Tell her you want her to do her best, she is capable but it's not a cliff edge if it goes wrong.

We went through the same. DD was predicted 4 As at A level, further to her excellent GCSEs, and she ended up with BDD. Her entire sixth form was a disaster. She hung out with an awful crowd, got into drugs, didn't engage with school at all, then to top it all got glandular fever and recurrent tonsillitis and was actually in hospital with horrendous tonsillitis on the dates of certain of her exams.

Five years later, things are so different. She's been working since she left college, has figured out what she wants to do and is about to start a foundation year in the autumn to then do primary school teaching with QTS. She's been teetotal for over a year, is saving hard, working hard and very committed to what she wants to achieve.

There's really not a lot you can do, but to know that whilst utterly annoying and avoidable, screwing up A-levels isn't the end of the world and your DD will very likely find her feet and figure out what she wants to do in due course.

I was struggling, no-one noticed and then was surprised when I did fail.

As pp have said, it just changes your life path, it's not the end of the world.

I resat, got a mediocre degree then later in life, a really good degree.

Failing is an option and it's very painful at the time but there's nothing you can do. Chuck the ball into her court. Stop managing her and without any resistance, she may well stop and think.

Her life will not be over. Steep learning curve and life goes on.

She needs to learn from her mistakes and be responsible for herself. She won't learn to do this properly if you hold her hand or force her to do it.

Learning is a lifelong thing. People can do access courses, degrees and professional qualifications at any point in their lives, through work, part-time, distance or going back full-time as a mature student. Some jobs even offer advanced apprenticeships once she catches up. If that is what SHE wants to do and when SHE is ready.

At some point, you need to remember they are growing into independent adults with minds of their own and you need to let them make their own choices and deal with them. Obviously, be there to support them and love them, but that's all you can do.

She may fail, but honestly if she really is peak teenager she easily could have done this to wind people up. DS got all A stars at GCSE and all fails in A level mocks. Actual A levels got 2 AStars and 2 As. Best results in his (not very high achieving) school. Arses will arse.

I ballsed up my A Levels, shouldn't really have done them but stayed on for 6th Form to be with my friends, looking back I should have done something vocational or just left and got a job, it really was a waste of 2 years

Is she overly stressed and sort of burying her head in the sand? Does she actually want to go to university? Or is she maybe unsure/having second thoughts?

I would start with a nice, calm, supportive conversation- maybe go out for a coffee so that you're on neutral ground. Explain that you are worried that she is unhappy and maybe unsure what she wants to do. Reassure her that it's OK if she is having a change of heart/wobble about uni.

I loved school but then, when I went to 6th form college, I absolutely hated it. I really struggled socially and so I felt lonely and miserable. My parents had their hearts set on me going to uni. They had the very best intentions but at the time, I felt hugely pressured and like they would be disappointed if I didn't go. Half of me wanted to go but half of me was so unsure and I couldn't talk about it.

I did go to uni and to be fair, I enjoyed my first year and did well. November of second year, I just hit breaking point. I ended up leaving until the following September and took time out working as a health care assistant in a local hospital. That actually remains one of the most valuable experiences I have had. I returned to uni the following September to start year 2 again. Did well, graduated and now also have an MA. I have a good job and all is well.

I just really wish I could have spoken honestly about how I was feeling. If I could go back, I would have taken a year out after A-levels.

It may not be that your daughter doesn't care/ie just being a teenager - it's worth a conversation.

Thank you to people who have shared their experiences of how things turned out for their DC. I have a DS in the same position as OP’s DD and am finding this helpful to read. He does well at his PT jobs so I do feel confident he will get a job if the A levels do go badly.

I think this years A level Cohort were very disadvantaged by covid. The experience they had at GCSE level and all the missed schooling, did not in any way prepare them for this.

It really isn't the end of the world though OP, she can resit or consider another way of gaining a level 3 - if this isn't for her, uni might not be either.

Ds got an E in maths in his AS level. He resat year 12 in the end and it was a huge wake up call for him. He now doing his masters in a science subject. I am afraid you have to let them fail now, you cannot make her study. Step back but be ready for the fallout. Arm yourself with options in case they are needed.

I pretty much aced my a levels, in spiteof living life to the max at A Level. Did well at uni. Became a teacher.

Sibling did not do nearly as well at a level.

Guess who earns the most now?

Obviously, I would never dream of seeing this to my students, but it's not the end of the world. Although it's hard when you're living it. I can imagine my response if my dc do this😁

I know this may not help but this was me during A levels. Failed one, lost the place offered and ended up at a poly with little prospect of my chosen career. It's def limited my career choices but I have bounced back into a good place in a role that really suits me. I've realised 20 odd years later that a lot of it is my personality, if something grabs me I am all in for a focused period, once that goes I lose all motivation. At A levels I wasn't all that interested in what I was studying and was navigating a really new set of relationships. I couldn't focus and study. I didn't regain any focus until in 2nd year at uni and have had to adapt since. I am gutted now at my performance and how I ended up at a shit uni but I talked to some students the other week about my career and am very proud that despite all that I have managed to find jobs I love and a rewarding career, not every path is clear and straightforward and A levels are not the answer to everything. This is her unique path and she will be OK even if things don't look the way you expected.

It's her life and her choices. The wonderful thing about education is you can go back to it at any age or any stage of life. Perhaps she's burned out by it all and working may be where she truly thrives. Support her to find her feet once the exams are over.

I lazed and did shit at A levels. My Dad will ALWAYS bring it up - "imagine what you could be doing if you'd worked for your A levels".

I'm a barrister and now GC of a massive company. Very well remunerated.

If I'd got great grades I'd never be doing what I am now. Life works out - there are many paths to success. Don't be my Dad!!

I totally screwed up my a-levels and ended up doing my vocational degree through clearance. Now doing very well in said career, top in field and hoping to start a PhD soon. Agree she will need to realise that she must have some sort of plan but A-levels not the be all and end all

Doesn't matter what you do it will make no difference. So do what makes you feel okay and she will hopefully learn from the conseyof her own actions.

Let her fail. She will learn. Loads of kids repeat A levels, it’s not uncommon and by that time hopefully she will be far clearer and motivated as to what she’s working towards.

It’s not the end of the world, just a small bump in the road - she’s far from alone in this. I know a fabulous neurosurgeon who failed his A levels twice!! Don’t give up hope