How to resolve a problem with my ex?

[RollingHills1]

I have a 10yo son from a previous relationship who I have recently arranged to attend an after school club that he loves which finishes at 5:45 pm. The club/school is just around the corner from my OH’s place of work who finishes at 5:30 pm. My OH wants to pick my son up from the club on their way back to our house which is logical as it saves a 30 min drive/fuel and a 45 min wait for me as I finish work at 4:30. We have DS 3 days per week.

DS biological mother however says that only I may collect DS from school as I am the father, and she went to the school at the collection time and refused to allow my OH to pick him up. They had a pleasant enough interaction but my ex said that I must collect DS from her house later and refused my OH’s offer of a lift. This means waiting 30 mins for them to walk to her house, and then a 30 min round trip to collect DS and bring him home.

I have subsequently had a conversation with my ex about this and she says that the reason for refusing to allow my OH to collect DS is that I am being lazy by not collecting him myself. She said that my OH is nice, so the problem does not seem to be personal between them. When I asked her to expand upon her reasons for refusing to allow my OH to collect DS she said that she had already made herself clear and would not say it again. She became insulting so I suggested we involve a mediator so we can continue the conversation but she refused, saying that if we involved a mediator that would mean I could take her to court. When I asked why I would want to take her to court she refused to answer.

So my ex is giving us one option which is a 45 min wait and a 30 min extra drive, or another option which is waiting until 6:15 pm and then a 30 min extra drive to bring DS home from her house. Of course we would prefer my OH to collect DS on her way home, as it involves no extra time/miles.

I have tried to shield my son from all this as much as possible, he loves my OH and is happy to be collected by her. They have been on car journeys together before and my ex is aware of this, but not on school runs, which she seems to view differently. We are keen to get this resolved as my OH will soon be on mat leave and DS is moving to a school further from my work so it will be logical for OH to do some of the school runs. My feeling is that it is not appropriate for my ex to control how we look after DS when he is in our care.

So my question to you is AIBU by wanting my OH to be involved in the school runs, and if not does anyone have any advice on what steps we should take?

Take a step back and look at this.
Your ex's ability to work is probably compromised for having to be there at the end of school. And it must be frustrating for her to see you out source that responsibility.
She sounds tired and fed up. And probably knows she's being irrational - but sometimes it's all too much.
I think you need to acknowledge that you are benefitting. It won't kill you to do that.
And then ask how do we make this fair? Can you do personally do something that helps even things out. That might be time or money. You may find it's just appreciation and acknowledgement she needs.
My ex wrote me a card on Mother's Day saying I was the best mum to his kids and he appreciates me as a coparent. And gave me flowers - as well as sorting the presents from the kids. We have our moments - and he often can't do the grunt parenting work which I occasionally resent.
I'd be interested to know what you did for mothers day!
The fact she's made it really clear she has nothing against your wife is telling you a lot here.
Or you can bang on about your rights and miss the point

Your ex is definitely being massively unreasonable. Your OH isn't just a girlfriend, but he mother to your DS's sibling.

OMG I lived for years with this sort of fuckwittery (I was the OH in your set up). We danced to my DP’s ex’s tune. I still don’t know if we did the right thing or not.
I do wish my DP annd his ex had a better relationship - mainly for the kids - us being pushovers didn’t allow for that so now I wonder what the point in it all was.
my advice - choose the hill you want to die on. If this is it be calm and reasonable and make it happen. You have as much responsibility as your ex to decide who can and can’t collect your son from school.

@PicaK, thanks for your reply. The reason for the clubs (he was previously doing another club with an earlier finish time) is so that he can be collected after work. I have offered to have DS more than our currrent 3 days per week but have not been taken up on that.

I do buy things for DS to give to my ex for birthdays, xmas and mothers day, but just chocolates and cards really, certainly I'd buy her something extra if I thought it would resolve this but I fell like it wouldn't help

@whyismysoupcold we do feel like my OH is a mother in this situation, DS refers to her as his 'stepmother' with pride so we feel like there is no reason for her to not be more involved in the parenting

Honestly - yes your ex is being unreasonable. However.... did you not discuss logistics with her before you booked the club? Also, given that your son only has one more term left, and that your OH won't be round the corner for much longer, it's probably not worth rocking the boat. Your son will have a new secondary school, new friends and a new sibling to contend with very soon. The last thing he needs is for his parents to be arguing and threatening mediation.

And most parents do the whole drive and hang around thing to facilitate activities. It is part of parenting. Tedious, but necessary.

Not to mention your other half will not appreciate having to schlep out with a newborn to pick her step son up, particularly given you'll be available.

How long have you been separated from your ex?

'We' - who is the we here? I'm pretty sure your DSs mum doesn't feel as though your OH is a mother to your DS.

She isn't being reasonable about this though, and, as such I would get the contact court ordered and then you can decide who does pick up. It's fine for your DP to pick up.

But you need to tone it down with all the 'We' and 'involved in parenting' stuff though. He's your DS that you had with your ex, you can't just unilaterally decide another person is a parent now too. That's probably what's pissing her off.

It sounds like, from her perspective, you are opting out of parenting and putting it onto your dp, so one of these guys who needs a woman there at all times to do his dirty work. Not saying that's the case, but I can see why it would look that way, and why that would piss her off.

Thank you @SpecialistAdviceNeeded , I do feel like we should have responsibility for how the school runs are managed while he is with us, but can't see a way to move forward as if my OH goes to pick him up I'm sure my ex will go there as well and intercept her and I worry that DS will become aware of the friction there

@DaughterNo2 Since beginning 2019

Just want to say thanks everyone, this is really helping me get some perspective and get some understanding of my ex's feelings on the situation

@titchy - I didn't mention the logistics of the club at all - I collected DS from the previous club at 5, OH offered to collect from the new club at 5:45 so ex was not involved either way - I didn't imagine there would be an issue which is perhaps where I have gone wrong. And mediation I saw as a positive for both of us rather than a threat so it's useful to learn that it is not necessarily viewed as a positive thing.

Obviously your ex is being unreasonable and it’s not at all logical to insist he’s picked up by a parent and not another responsible caring adult. I’m sort of baffled how it even became an issue - if it’s your pick-up night then why would she even have found out it was your OH collecting and not you?

How is secondary school being organised? Will your DS make his way there and back independently? Will your contact schedule change? There’s really no reason or mechanism for her to object to who takes/collects him once he’s at secondary school - just don’t discuss it?

No. The point is, the ex is being passive aggressive in trying to control the narrative. Of course she absolutely hates your partner, and will do everything in her power including inconveniencing both herself and your ds to suit her agenda.
I would call her bluff and instigate court proceedings as she is being extremely unreasonable.

Thanks @NoSquirrels , When I dropped DS off at my ex's house the next time I was going to see him was after the club, so I just said to him that my OH would pick him up afterwards, which he told my ex, obviously thinking nothing of it.

Initially we will take him to and from secondary school, at some point in the future he'll take the bus. There's nothing she can do to prevent my OH taking DS to school, but based on what has happened and what she's saying, it seems that she will go to the school to prevent my OH from picking him up, and I'm at a loss as to what I can do to prevent that happening

Secondary school is a whole different kettle of fish to primary. They open the gates and out they come - no one is going to check who is collecting your particular Y7.

I think you should suggest mediation again, or say if she doesn’t agree to that and insists DS is collected by a parent then she’ll need to drop him back to your house rather than expecting you to go and get him. Put it in writing, as reasonably as you can - these are the options (OH is authorised to collect occasionally when it’s my contact time, or you can collect him and drop him to my house, please pick one.) You might end up needing to get a court ordered schedule and being reasonable and offering practical solutions is good to evidence.

@titchy · Today 14:12

"And most parents do the whole drive and hang around thing to facilitate activities. It is part of parenting. Tedious, but necessary."

My original plan was to do the food shop while I waited but my OH offered to collect DS as it just made more sense - it's now brought to light that this may well be a problem for the future

Thanks @NoSquirrels that’s really helpful practical advice - I’ve been really struggling with what to say to move things forward without making the situation worse

Then doesn’t seem unreasonable at all.

Your OH is going to be on mat leave with a newborn shortly though. Unfair on her to be expected to pick your kid up.

Then it’s easy. Just go along with what your ex wants. It’s only a term.

ex being unreasonable and difficult. Proving your kid is safe and cared for when in your hands and sm’s hands nothing at all to do with her. She sounds like she has residing jealousy. More shit us SM’s put up with.

id seek legal advice and yes take her to court if you have to. Maybe if you know legally it’s all ok you can then have one last conversation and to say OH needs to be added to the pick up list. You are causing problems and divides. If this continues I will put something legal in place as I’m tired of you making things difficult when I just want the best for our kid. Obviously your partner has to be in agreement to pick your kid up especially when she has her own baby

Yes I’d certainly prefer not to go down the legal, I’ve been feeling like we’re running out of options, especially as mediation has been refused.

To answer a couple of other points, I have not expected OH to do this or any other pick up, she has volunteered as she feels it is better for us in terms of time and finances which I agree with ofc. Our concern goes beyond the term ahead to the future in secondary school when we really want to be able to choose how best to manage nursery and school runs

Go to the school and give them your permission for your OH to collect. Your childcare arrangements on your days are none of your business Ex business provided your DC is being looked after by a responsible adult.