To think that DH is weirdly angry about me being sick?

[DickheadDH]

It's so hard to pin the exact behaviour down but I'll try. Obvious name change.

DH always seems irritated and jealous when I am unwell. It's a general vibe and like he goes out of his way to ignore me.

I'm currently ill with some awful virus, high fever, cough and feeling achy all over and dizzy. The dc are also quite unwell, so I have them both in with me tonight, and I wanted to put the steamer on.

I asked DH for help to reach it as it's on top of the kitchen cupboards and I couldn't reach. He ignored me and pretended he didn't hear.

I got quite upset as I was worried I was going to fall off the chair (and I realise this sounds dramatic, but it actually hurt dragging the stupidly heavy thing across to the cupboard so I can reach).

When DH saw I was upset he got angry and sulkily said 'why are you trying to pick a row'. I couldn't be arsed with the drama as I'm shattered so just said sorry I wasn't feeling well (to which he grunted) and went up to the dc.

I realise this may sound like a mountain out of a molehill, but something like this happens every time I am unwell. He also starts claiming he is sick every time (despite not having a fever, cough or any discernable symptoms).

I'm quite confused. When he is like this I genuinely worry that if something was seriously wrong with me he wouldn't call an ambulance. I know that seems silly but it's just this feeling that he doesn't give a shit about me.

But when I'm not ill he loving, caring and attentive. It's so bizarre.

His DM is a bit like this. You can't be sicker, or having a worse time than she is or she seems to get sulky.

What the fuck is this? Does anyone else face this behaviour? I have tried to discuss it with DH but he just says I'm imagining things and not to be ridiculous.

“I got quite upset as I was worried I was going to fall off the chair (and I realise this sounds dramatic, but it actually hurt dragging the stupidly heavy thing across to the cupboard so I can reach).”

She made a fuss about getting a steamer down, complaining about dragging a chair and then crying about potentially falling off said chair. she even admits to it being dramatic. We weren’t there and are only hearing one side of the story but as much as his behaviour is narcissistic, hers also sounds it.
i have met a fair few people who do this sort of stuff to be over dramatic and attention seeking. I’m not saying this is the case but it reads that way to me

My god, are you me??

Everything you've described is me to a T. Right down to the animals.

I, on the other hand, am a complete drama queen when I'm ill 😂

It's surprisingly common, I've read many a thread on here detailing this kind of behaviour.

Two theories I've read :

1. Husband is pissed that his domestic appliance (Wife) is malfunctioning, resentful that he might have to pick up the slack, and really fucking angry that Wife's attention is temporarily on herself and he is not currently the centre of her world.
2. Husband witnesses Wife's illness and becomes fearful about her recovery. Fear is redirected into this pissy behaviour.

I'm less convinced by theory 2.

When you're ill and your dc too, and your partner is being uncaring, you may be not as emotionally resilient as usual. I've had viruses that have left me feeling ill and weak as well as feeling down and almost depressed. It's a real thing called sickness behaviour. The bacteria infecting you don't just make you feel ill, they also control your mood.

His DM is a bit like this. You can't be sicker, or having a worse time than she is or she seems to get sulky.

Like mother, like son.

I'm less convinced by theory 2.

I’m not. He’s always reminding me that I can use our private health insurance (which includes same day gp appt) any time I need to, and he gets kind of weird every time one of his colleagues has a very ill wife. In that he tells me about it, and says, poor guy…..Then he disengages when I’m ill.

Because of his job we are in a country far from our own and have no family other than each other (and the cats) and NORMALLY he’s loving, considerate and pulls his weight in the house - so I’m actually willing to believe there is an element of theory 2 going on.

Which doesn’t make it any less worrying and annoying. I’ve thought a lot about how I could get professional help from the start were I to become seriously ill.

So if he’s normally good at doing his fair share of domestic stuff I don’t know that it is about that.
Maybe it’s a subconscious thing about not wanting to be depended upon. Or a latent evolutionary thing in their lizard brain that makes them not want to be around illness in case it affects their virility 🤔 And that’s why he’s irritable cos he doesn’t understood it himself 😂

YANBU.

Unfortunately it's a very common complaint.

massive generalisation: men feel deeply complex emotions, but the outward expression is anger. He’s not actually angry, he just doesn’t have the emotional vocab or nuance to say he feels vulnerable / worried / inadequate / pressurised / lost without your 100% energy support.

I'm not a saint by any means, when my dw is ill or suffering pain from disability I couldn't not look after her and ensure I've helped to the best of my ability.i don't understand men that can't do this.

A friend of mine was diagnosed with adult ADHD a couple of years ago after consulting a psych when one of her children was diagnosed. It had a really profound impact on her because she had struggled with so many issues since childhood and suddenly everything made sense. She was prescribed meds and they have really helped to manage some of her symptoms.

Recently my friend’s husband texted her when he was “bored at work” and said he’d done a few online tests and he has ADHD too. He added that he wouldn’t be looking for a formal diagnosis or meds because they weren’t necessary/he didn’t believe in them.

TBH it was hard to know what to say to her. “LTB”was tempting but I bit my tongue

I think in some people it can be a fear thing. They get angry at you for worrying them, and they try to get you to carry on as normal to prove to themselves that you are not that sick.

This. My dogs will be waited on hand and foot (paw?!!😂) if they have anything wrong with them. With DH it’s tough love all the way. I’ll make sure there’s tablets and obviously cook tea etc, but I won’t be having a bedside vigil, holding his hand and studiously wiping his fevered brow with a cold compress. Get some paracetamol down you, drink lots of water and get some sleep and you’ll be reet! And if not, don’t whinge to me making yourself a martyr - phone up and book a doctors appointment so you can get proper help from a professional who knows what they are doing.

I was in an accident ten years ago that left me disabled for life.

My then H really really struggled to cope. In his world I was the person that did the looking after and he really found it hard to switch it around.

I was in hospital for a week with a seriously smashed up leg, multiple operations, facing the prospect of never walking again and he'd ring me to cry that he didn't know what food to make for the kids. (They were 13).

In the end the kids largely looked after themselves because they worked out after about a week that apart from earning money he couldn't do anything else. They made him food sometimes when they were in a good mood.

He never did learn how to care or even pretend to care for someone else. Now an ExH.

Women are at a high risk of being divorced by male partners if they become critically ill or disabled. There are studies\ articles about it. I'll try to find and post them. It's depressing

Absolutely fuck that. If a man cheerfully told me he wouldn’t be sympathetic when I was ill because of an unrelated childhood experience and I was just to accept that I would run a fucking mile. I sincerely hope you don’t mean you apply the same logic to children of your own.

What was he like when your DC were newborns?

What is the actual point of even being in a relationship let alone a marriage if the other won’t help you when you need it?

Horrified and depressed by this.

When I got a nasty bout of covid in 2022 and was in bed for 2 weeks Dh just stepped up did everything I did. Yes the teens ate more processed meat than I would have liked but there you go. All my food brought up to me as I would do for him.

I could never be with a man like this.

My mother grew up with a series of nannies and housemaids because her own mother had long-term TB, among other conditions, and was too unwell to care for her. My grandmother spent years convalescing in bed and my mother could only visit her for an hour or so at a time to avoid tiring her out. She is the kindest, most selfless person I know. I almost loved being sick as a child, because she would bring lemonade and trays of nice food with a small vase of flowers to my sickbed to encourage me to eat & I’d be allowed to have a small TV set up on a bridge table and watch daytime TV. Such luxury. My dad, on the other hand, would put his head around the door in the evening and insinuate that I was malingering- even with a fever. I can’t remember my mother ever spending a day ill in bed, I doubt my father would have tolerated it.

Yeah he's a dick. Disclaimer: are you often ill or performative about it? In the end, having a cold or a sore throat is not really ill is it but to hear some posters talk... surely you just take some meds and go about your day?

Broken glass in your chest and weakness sounds like a chest infection. I think you should get an appt to see if you need antibiotics. Without them, it can go on for weeks.

Divorce Far More Common When The Wife Is The Patient

A woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient, according to a study that examined the role gender played in so-called "partner abandonment."

Why men leave a sick spouse can be partly explained by their lack of ability, compared to women, to make more rapid commitments to being caregivers to a sick partner and women's better ability to assume the burdens of maintaining a home and family, the study authors said.

full study is here

^^^ This.

Why don’t you ask him OP, when you aren’t sick and see what he says. Do you pander to him when he’s sick? If so, stop doing that.

I would honestly rather be on my own than deal with this shit. Even low level shit, “he’s great- unless I’m sick”. Well woe betide you get anything really serious then!

When I had to go in to hospital DH who works full time in a stressful job, had to do it all, school runs, deal with the dog (that I wanted), hospital visits, he didn’t stop. When I was discharged I still wasn’t 100% and back and forth to hospital. But he never once moaned! I repaid the favour when he broke his leg and needed an op. Were we tired, exhausted etc God yeah!

Your children see this behaviour, take it all in. They’ll turn out the same, men do fuck all, women take it up the metaphorical arse. That’s just how it is.

It’s a virus now but do you trust him to look after you if something serious happens? It will only get worse as you age.

My FIL was like this, everytime MIL got ill it was ignored or she was made to feel bad about it. She got breast cancer, he was going to let her get the bus (over an hour each way) on her own for her diagnosis appointment until we shamed him into taking her. Obviously all her treatments she went on the bus as he wouldn’t take her. He was utterly unsympathetic.

Then a few years later she got dementia and you do not want to know how bad that got. We had to call in adult social services due to his lack of care. It seems we all missed he was a complete narcissist and it was all about him.