Step-daughter feels disconnected from her ethnicity, how do we help?

[roboflorist]

I have a 15 year old step-daughter, I've been with her dad for 5 years and I care and love her like a daughter.
Her mum passed away when she was 6 months old, it was unexpected, sudden and shocking. Her mum was Bangladeshi. Her mum didn't have much of a relationship with her family for various reasons, including her decision to move to the UK, abandoning her religion and some issues from her childhood. My partner only met his late-wife's parents three times, and one of them was her funeral. He left the door open to contact and did reach out to them when his daughter was small, they didn't seem interested so he stopped trying.
My partner is the most amazing dad, he has given his entire life to his daughter and has had the support of his parents. It's clear that he loves her very much and would do anything for her. They have a great relationship and she is his very much his priority (and mine actually).
Step-daughter is very much "white-passing" no one would assume that she is half-Bengali. She is absolutely gorgeous, her skin is very much caramel toned, but I think a lot of people just think she is white and tans well!! We aren't religious, but her mum did grow up Muslim. We live in a city but it's a particularly white area.

Tonight step-daughter has told us that she has been thinking a lot lately about how disconnected she feels from her ethnicity. She told us today she had to fill in a form that asked for ethnicity. She told she instinctively ticked white but really she should be ticking mixed and "white and Asian". She went on to say she feels weird ticking that though as she doesn't "feel" Asian and it upsets her.
Her dad isn't massively knowledgeable about her mums culture. She wasn't religious by the time they met, they didn't have a religious wedding and she didn't really speak about it much (told my partner she didn't feel comfortable and wanted to focus on the future). From what I know I think her mum had a tumultuous upbringing and had sort of let go of her culture in an attempt to detach from that.
Step-daughter has always known about her mum, we have pictures around the house of her and we speak about her. On Mother's Day/ her birthday/ around Christmas and really just if stepdaughter ever asks we take her to her mums grave down in London.
Her mum obviously wasn't expecting to pass so didn't really leave much to her daughter. Nothing that really showed her culture.

Now we obviously want to make stepdaughter feel connected to every part of who she is, but we aren't too sure how. Obviously a visit to Bangladesh may be a good place to start. I'm thinking I can research some Bangladeshi meals and we can all make them together.
We've told her to have a think about how we can help and we will do the same. So I guess I'm looking for suggestions or perhaps just some people who have experienced similar and may have tips for step-daughter or just an acknowledgment that she isn't the only person feeling like this.
To make this an AIBU, AIBU to bring feeling a little lost in this situation and to be seeking guidance?

You sound like a lovely step-mum

Everything you have suggested sounds fine. My daughter has a friend that lost her mum at 9 I think and she went to lessons to learn her mums native language, or at least some of it.
https://artasia.org.uk/mela-festival/
We have this near us.
I hope you get some other ideas soon

What a thoughtful post.
I would say a visit to Bangladesh is completely unnecessary and would reflect very little of her culture for her. She’s second or third generation, British born and English (I assume) raised, she’ll find much more about her culture from people of Bangladeshi origin who live in your own locality. The same probably goes for language and possibly clothing for now.

Can you find out if there’s a Bangladeshi community centre or mosque near you? Or even a general Islamic centre. At this time of year (and for the next 2/3 weeks) you may find sunset gatherings for the evening meal where people from many different cultural backgrounds come together. It could be a way of finding what she’s looking for. It may be enough for her or may help her to articulate what would help her the most?

Is there a “Bangladeshi district” near you? You may need to travel to another town. Maybe you could spend a bit of time shopping in the street markets if that interests her, explore ingredients or clothes shops perhaps?

I wonder whether for his daughter’s sake your husband could try again to reconnect with her grandparents? Let them know she wants to understand more about who she is and who her mum was? The situation will have been extremely difficult for them, it’s worth giving it another try.

You are a lovely step mum, this is so nice to hear.

I would suggest finding a local club to learn mum's language, you'll often meet a community of people coming together with their children.

My friend's daughter is half black but mum is no longer with us either. Dad took daughter to a local hair dressers and daughter has been able to talk and get to know the women there and she loves it. Not sure if there is something similar.

Where we live there are different festivals in the large park area celebrating different communities, especially in the summer. It might be worth looking on Facebook to see if there is anything near you.

Your other ideas some fantastic! Wishing you luck..

Look up hungry hijabi on instagram she does lots of recipes online, she also sells her spices its a more authentic hit.

You sound like a lovely step mum.

I wouldn't over think it. There is alot of mixed race people that struggle to place themselves in those ethnicity tick boxes...but a nice curry and homemade chapatis or parathas always go a long way in appreciating the culture especially for breakfast...

Thank you so much.
Her mum is the only member of her immediate family to have left Bangladesh, which is why we thought this may be a good idea. Even if just to get a feel.

I wish we knew some Bangladeshi people who could maybe answer some of her questions.

Thank you everyone for all the lovely replies, some lovely ideas here to take on board!

Hi OP I am Indian and have mixed race children. Is there no one on the mother's side of the family you can reach out to in order to build a link? Speaking from experience you are right to identify that not having that link to culture- food, art, language and all the other things that go with that and that disconnect may grow as your SD grows older. If finances allow I think it might also be useful to visit Bangladesh.

How lovely and caring of you.

Just trying to think of other ways she could feel connected. Does she have books about Bangladeshi history? Would she be interested in learning about Bangladesh as a whole, as well as her individual history.

Are there any exhibitions at major museums featuring Bangladeshi art or culture?

Could she write to the grandparents herself? Appreciate this might be a bit hard for her, but direct approach from a grandchild might yield different results than from your DH who they may have disproved of.

She just got the idea of thinking about her ethnicity. Explain to her that people migrate and are born into a new culture. Make boards about it and let her navigate the journey herself.

I had a Thai girl with a British father whom helped and their mother was married with someone else and in Thailand at that time. The girl used to say she is Thai one day, then being very British as a whole. The mother appeared eventually on the scene and stayed mainly as a visiting mum. The father raised his daughter in the UK and now she is grown woman , married with a copy of her father. She visits occasionally Thailand - in all this I cannot know what mental journey these events have taken in her mind and heart. But they will and there is not a single correct way to think about it

I am from abroad also, so we will have our journey also

You could do a trip to Tower Hamlets. Sign up to some mailing lists and groups. Lots of events throughout the year celebrating Bengali culture and food, and lots of people to meet and chat to.

It's very kind that you want to support your step daughter with this. Where in Bangladeshi was her mother from? Bangladesh is huge and not a monoculture - someone from Dakar will have a different experience from Sylhet and a very, very different experience of someone from the Hill Tracts. Was her mother educated? Was she religious? Culture is not the same as ethnicity (I'm sure you already know this).

It might be the best help for her dad to try and tell her as much as he possibly can about her mother, his memories, who she was, what she loved etc.

@roboflorist

Find out about an Asians women's groups on the internet and multi cultural charitable organisation,

Have a look too on eventbrite.com to see if from time time to see whether any Asian cultral events etc come up ,
do this on regular basis each month,
it's a very good website about all kinds s of events and activities can see online and attend in person,
look out for posters of events out and about in town etc,

My experience of being dual-heritage is that it can be complex. I would support her in exploring Bangladeshi culture (particularly language) but if possible it should come from her, because what it means to her will be unique based on her personal history. I’d also say that for me learning to sit with the feeling of not being quite one thing or the other was really important. It actually made me see that although I am only 1/4 British, Britain is my adopted/chosen culture and that’s important.

Could you get in touch with a local mosque? Ime they're lovely people and will jump at the chance to put you in touch with local Bangladeshi people.

I believe she was from Dhaka?
Her mums story was a little complicated, she originally married a man who was Bengali but lived in London, she moved over at 19 to be with him.
The relationship turned abusive which is why she left him and her religion some years later. She went on to do a an English for speakers of other languages course and then health and social care then got a job in a hospital. I wish I'd been able to meet her as she sounds like a wonderful woman who would have really done right by my stepdaughter.

I think she probably wants to know more about her Mother and her Mothers family. Which is natural and expected.

I would definitely explore meeting some of the family so they can tell her more about her mothers early life story.

it would be also good to see where her mother grew up and school she went too etc.

Finally, I would tell her she can be anything she want to be... but with time she will work it out.

I read Meghan Merkel ticked white for ethnicity as this is how she see herself or self identities.

Does she have contacted with others that are mixed ethnicity?

Are you anywhere near London? Where I live in East London there is a huge Bangladeshi community, all sorts of things she could get involved with to help forge a connection to her cultural origin.
I suspect though, she says it's her cultural connection that she's missing but it's likely to be more that she's missing a connection to her mother. That can only come from the grandparents. I know you said your husband tried to make contact a few times but perhaps if the message comes direct from her it might strike more with them?
You sound like a wonderful parent!

We are in Nottingham but could travel and would if it would help stepdaughter.

We only have a postal address for her grandparents now and haven't had any communication in about 10 years. Definitely worth a try just worried she will be upset if they don't reply or get the letter.

I am white and my kids are mixed Asian and white.

DS has little interest in Asian culture (or indeed any culture), but DD enjoys learning to cook dishes from her grandparents' region, and has also started to explore traditional clothing and jewellery from there (luckily we live in an area with suitable shops).

Our case is a bit different because we're lucky enough to have my MIL living nearby to teach her how to tie a sari, etc. But the ladies in the sari shops are also very helpful. Perhaps your SD could explire something similar?

I think you need to be very careful of drawing the distinction between religion and culture here. Her mum stepped away for a reason. I’m from a minority group and when deciding who my Dd’s guardians would be it was very important to me that she goes to a part of the family that is not deeply religious. I would be furious with the thought that I consciously stepped away from some things I disapproved of just for DD to be connected to it when I died. I specifically wanted people who would reflect my values and how I would raise her. So really think about who her mum was and how she would introduce her Dd to culture, maybe she loved the food, the dress, the celebrations that are unique to her heritage.

You sound so kind.
Do you live somewhere multicultural?

I would suggest :

• Going to a local Indian/Bengali restaurant and try their Biryani (imo Bengali Biryani is the best!)
• Do you SD is likely to meet similar background teens in school / clubs? Having friends her own age from these backgrounds might help.

I would suggest avoiding going to these places early on (as can be too overwhelming):

• Mosque (too religious, her mother was not religious)
• Bangladesh

Yes this a good point and why we haven't really considered mosques.
We know her mum still celebrated Eid, but other than that rejected religion as a concept entirely.

I am also foreign by ethnicity. I find it really odd how forms in the UK want to know your ethnicity to such detail! It is a bit unnerving actually. I have not encountered in other countries.

I would suggest you could tell her she is free to tick any she feels is the best fit, or tick prefer not to disclose.

Reassure her that many young people are mixed race, it is fine, and just adds interest to her background, she is still exactly the same person.

I'd be wary about looking to establish relations with her mother's family unless your step daughter specifically wants to do this, she's very young & there were clearly strong reasons for her mother stepping away from her family.