Step-daughter feels disconnected from her ethnicity, how do we help?

[roboflorist]

I have a 15 year old step-daughter, I've been with her dad for 5 years and I care and love her like a daughter.
Her mum passed away when she was 6 months old, it was unexpected, sudden and shocking. Her mum was Bangladeshi. Her mum didn't have much of a relationship with her family for various reasons, including her decision to move to the UK, abandoning her religion and some issues from her childhood. My partner only met his late-wife's parents three times, and one of them was her funeral. He left the door open to contact and did reach out to them when his daughter was small, they didn't seem interested so he stopped trying.
My partner is the most amazing dad, he has given his entire life to his daughter and has had the support of his parents. It's clear that he loves her very much and would do anything for her. They have a great relationship and she is his very much his priority (and mine actually).
Step-daughter is very much "white-passing" no one would assume that she is half-Bengali. She is absolutely gorgeous, her skin is very much caramel toned, but I think a lot of people just think she is white and tans well!! We aren't religious, but her mum did grow up Muslim. We live in a city but it's a particularly white area.

Tonight step-daughter has told us that she has been thinking a lot lately about how disconnected she feels from her ethnicity. She told us today she had to fill in a form that asked for ethnicity. She told she instinctively ticked white but really she should be ticking mixed and "white and Asian". She went on to say she feels weird ticking that though as she doesn't "feel" Asian and it upsets her.
Her dad isn't massively knowledgeable about her mums culture. She wasn't religious by the time they met, they didn't have a religious wedding and she didn't really speak about it much (told my partner she didn't feel comfortable and wanted to focus on the future). From what I know I think her mum had a tumultuous upbringing and had sort of let go of her culture in an attempt to detach from that.
Step-daughter has always known about her mum, we have pictures around the house of her and we speak about her. On Mother's Day/ her birthday/ around Christmas and really just if stepdaughter ever asks we take her to her mums grave down in London.
Her mum obviously wasn't expecting to pass so didn't really leave much to her daughter. Nothing that really showed her culture.

Now we obviously want to make stepdaughter feel connected to every part of who she is, but we aren't too sure how. Obviously a visit to Bangladesh may be a good place to start. I'm thinking I can research some Bangladeshi meals and we can all make them together.
We've told her to have a think about how we can help and we will do the same. So I guess I'm looking for suggestions or perhaps just some people who have experienced similar and may have tips for step-daughter or just an acknowledgment that she isn't the only person feeling like this.
To make this an AIBU, AIBU to bring feeling a little lost in this situation and to be seeking guidance?

My best friend was adopted by white parents. She herself is black. I know she struggled with her heritage growing up. She taught herself to cook dishes from her native country and read about her heritage. For her it was also a feeling of not belonging in either culture as she wasn’t white but also wasn’t really the other culture either aside from her skin tone. She had nothing in common with those people having been raised by white people. She made peace with it after her teenage years though. Your stepdaughter is lucky to have such a lovely stepmother

True, there are serious issues to be wary of, and maybe part of the negative aspect that her mother tried to escape.
I understand that most girls in Bangladesh are married by age 18 (child marriage is the norm) and even Bengali-British girls may have this pressure on them to comply with forced-marriage/FGM.

@roboflorist you’re not doing so bad yourself 😊

OP your step daughter sounds like me! My mum was mixed race (white Welsh parent and black Jamaican parent) she died when my sister and I were small. We were brought up by our white dad and his white parents and never really had anything to do with her side of the family. I've always felt totally weird filling out those tick boxes. In fact I hate them with a passion. I usually refuse to answer. I feel like a fraud ticking mixed race (I sort of look Greek or Italian or something) but like I'm denying my mum if I tick white. It genuinely gives me anxiety (I know that sounds stupid)
I got in contact with my mum's family a few years ago and went to visit them in Jamaica and it was absolutely amazing. I really felt "at home" with everyone. My dad is an only child so I've always been used to a very small family here but I suddenly had this huge warm family. It was amazing. Could your husband maybe try and get in contact and see if she could meet some of her mum's family, maybe?

Not much more to add except to say keep going - take her requests seriously - the adoptees/mixed race folks I know said that being "seen" for who they are is so important vs the "we don't see race" line that so many well-meaning white folks say. You sound like a lovely step-mum.

As well as learning about her heritage remind your step-daughter that she can tick different boxes on those forms depending on the context.

She might for example, want to put different answers on a medical questionnaire and a survey trying to widen who's involved in a hobby group. A lot of people do this.

Hi sorry to revive this again!!

My stepdaughter has said this morning that she might like to wear some ethnic dress to prom perhaps a Lehenga? She's a little worried this might seem like appropriation though, but she'd love to tribute her mum in this way.

Does anyone think this would be appropriate or inappropriate?

She can do whatever she wants, she's half Bangladeshi so it isn't appropriation at all. Definitely support her with this idea, if this is what she wants to do.
I wonder if her mum had siblings who might be more open to and/or appropriate for a relationship with her than the grandparents?

You sound like a lovely step mum.

i think her idea for the dress sounds fine.

i also think your other suggestions sound good, but given cultural sensitivities, and her own mother stepping back, I would go slowly. Perhaps start with finding a Bengali restaurant and going as a family. Buying one or two Bengali cookbooks (often cookbooks nowadays are also part travel books with great photos and text about the country and culture. If you get these she could learn more about it, and once a week you could make dishes from the book. Fun trial and error to see what you all like and might incorporate into your mainstream meals.

Also, is there a “Bengali Festival” or a week or something you could attend?

Around me (in Australia) there is Italian Saturday school, where children of first, second, third and onwards Italians attend. They learn to count to ten in Italian, the words for Grandma and Grandpa and the history of Italy, colouring in the flag, regions in the map, the national anthem etc. It is for younger children, but they all learn from both the school and from each other - the names of the Italian soccer players, pasta making day etc. And mix with other Italian-Australian children. Is there something like this near you? Or could you replicate it at home, but for an older child?

Whitechapel in London has the biggest Bengali community, maybe she would like a trip there

@TeachesOfPeaches I had the same thought! A night out in Brick Lane is fun for anyone and could be a great intro?

Know the feeling of being disconnected from your culture too only too well in regards of being transracially adopted..

If she is interested in fashion and fabric then suggest she researches the long history of Bengali textile weaving. Dakar muslin was worn by French royalty, it was so fine that it was called “woven air”.

I think fabrics could well be an entry point into Bengali culture for her, even wearing a floaty scarf around her neck, having a mirror embroidered purse, or sourcing bangles and earrings could be a way of her claiming her heritage. If she is a clever sewer she could make herself western style jackets, tops and trousers but using fabrics inspired by her Bengali roots.

Tell her to also look at the long tradition of kantha embroidery in Bangladesh, where discarded items, often old cotton saris, are recycled into new items using traditional motifs and stitches. It’s a woman’s art form that has its roots in practicality, thrift, story telling and reusing old items.

I was going to suggest the same thing. If you go to London to visit her mum's grave, take her to Brick Lane. I haven't been for a while but last time I was there, the restaurants were all Bangladeshi, but there were also shops where you could buy jewellery, saris, spices etc. You could buy her some bangles or jewellery from there. It is really very different from Western jewellery.
FWIW, my DS is dual heritage. His Indian parent ( me) is still alive, and he started to get interested in my culture at around the same age as your stepdaughter. Sadly, I'm a bit rubbish, and can't speak the language and was born here. He read some books and learnt a few words. He wants to change his surname to incorporate my maiden name. It stupidly didn't occur to me that his grandparents home country would be that big a deal to him 🥴. Although my cousins son is older, also dual heritage and couldn't be less interested!

If you go to London then Whitechapel is a very Bangladeshi area. Good place to try food and hear the language

Maybe after visiting it might make her more interested or less if she feels nothing in common with the people there

I know you said you lived in an area that was not very ethnically mixed, but it might still be worth seeing if there is anything at school she might enjoy. My kids school has a Bangladesh club where they learn bits of language, cultural things etc.

There's a lot of resources out there for adopters of children with a different ethnicity - start with the Adoption UK website, and good luck.