To be trapped with DP because of nursery?

[Allalonemum]

we have a 1 year old, she started nursery last month. It’s costing 1,450 a month for her to go five days a week. We both work. I desperately want to leave DP for various reasons but when I raised it last night after feeling at breaking point, he said ‘well you’ll be on your own with nursery fees so good luck.’

For context he doesn’t want to separate and has said he will refuse to have dd at all if we do and will just see her at weekends as he pleases. (He is not a nice man). I would have care of dd and would want that so I am not worried about that aspect. But I genuinely don’t know how I could pay nursery on my own? I would have to give up work as my take home pay is around 3,000, rent round here is 800 minimum for a two bed. We just wouldn’t be able to live. Is it true he doesn’t have to pay? I couldn’t see any reference to nursery costs on the child maintenance website. TIA

And if he doesn’t have to pay nursery costs then what is the rationale behind that? Ive just done the calculation for what I would get on his income and it comes out at 560!!

He's talking bollocks essentially.

You'd be entitled to universal credit, housing element as well as the childcare bit. Not sure exactly how much You'd receive but do a calculation online on any of the benefits calendars.

You'd be entitled to child maintenance too.

I feel for you - I had to pay all mortgage and nursery fees when I left exH. Think I had £100 a month left after bills /food (carefully planned) and petrol.

the childrens clothes were hand me downs and their toys were from charity shops but they were happy

It was sooooo worth it to get out.

He doesn’t have to pay nursery when you have her. He will have to when (if) he has her

He wouldn't have to pay specifically for nursery. But he would have to pay child maintenance which you could put towards nursery fees.
Have you looked at what you could claim in union credit? You can get up to 85% towards childcare fees.

Good luck, he sounds like a complete dickhead.

Def use entitledto.com to see what youd get help with.

He only has to pay maintenance and even then it can be tricky especially if he's self employed or a director.

As a PP suggested, use some benefit calculators to see what you'd be entitled to claim.

My after tax income is 3k so I don’t think I would be entitled to anything extra

Try an online UC calculator.
And you’d get maintenance on top.

You will still have 750 a month for bills.. that seems quite a lot. And you will get some free hours for nursery from September. And he will have to pay maintenance. So it sounds doable. Can you find a cheaper nursery or use a childminder?

With the rent and childcare costs you definitely would get some help.

And how does she enforce that? She can't. He can refuse to have the child at all and pay only the minimum maintenance.

You’ll find a solution OP. You’ll be better off away from that asshole. Don’t hesitate about leaving.

You need to look at 1 beds rather than 2 until they are at school. Look at if you are entitled to universal credit?
can you sit tight for a year - when does the hours for 2 year olds start? During that year save as much as you possibly can - looking at money saving expert for hints on saving, try and build up a store of supermarket vouchers.
It would be incredibly hard but if you have an exit strategy it might be bearable.

Really? On a salary of over 50k?

He doesn’t have to pay half the nursery fees no. He doesn’t have to pay for childcare on his time either realistically.
but he does have to pay maintenance if he is on the birth certificate.
He can avoid doing this in a couple ways - giving up work, giving up work and going cash in hand / self employed and not declaring or by having her 50% of the time.
If he is likely to push for contact then no you really won’t get any financial benefit from him.
You might be able to get a UC top up though as a single parent and you’ll be entitled to the new help for 2 and 3 year olds (not sure how much help but there are new resources coming in).
Going part time with a UC top up might be the solution but you’ll need to do your research to work out how best to play this. Moving to a cheaper area? Social housing?
I know it’s brutal OP and I feel for you, nursery fees are crippling but long term it’s just a few years to get through. Once she’s in reception it’ll be a lot easier. If there’s any way you can get out now with a decent maintenance payment I would grab it, he does not sound like a good person. Good luck!

Check the turn to us calculator, you should be able to get help with childcare and something towards rent.

OP, I was in this exact position on a much lower income. Benefits are very generous because the government want to keep you in work- they'll pay a lot of your childcare costs to keep you working. Try a benefits calculator. You're right that it makes no sense that he only has to pay a small amount of maintenance (my ex didn't even pay that 🙄) and I was completely broke and run ragged for the nursery years but it was worth it to keep progressing in my career and give DD a good start in life and moreover, to get away from a toxic man who made my life not worth living. It wont be easy but it will be so worth it. Feel free to DM anytime you need someone to talk to ❤️

So start to get your ducks in a row and plan financially. Have you access to any services through an employment assistance programme?

You will be a lot happier in a tiny home without living unhappily together.

Did a rough calc based on earning £3k a month net, nursery 1450 and rent 800.

Generally no but because of childcare costs and rent yes.

Child maintenance doesn't explicitly include nursery and most cases fall short of a decent contribution once other costs associated with raising a child sadly. Especially if the ex is only willing to pay the legal minimum and given his current view I would budget as though he only gives you the bare minimum and not a penny more.

Could you do compressed hours doing 5 or 4.5 days over 4 days to save you a day of nursery fees a week? I know the funded hours are now kicking in sooner, once your LO qualifies for the funded hours would that make a difference? It might also be worth putting your details in to a benefits calculator to see if you would be eligible for any support.

Also, please please be very cynical and keep an eye on your other half squirrelling a significant and unfair amount of money away or moving assets etc and if you can have take a fair amount yourself not a lot but enough so that if you split and your partner emptied your joint account or stopped contributing to bills you would be still able to do a food shop and put fuel in the car to get to work.

I am a single parent and I get child maintenance from my ex. He is not obliged to pay anything towards nursery and I don't get any other financial help due to my salary. It is tough but it is what it is and I have managed regardless. You will manage because you have to.

don’t let him threaten you into staying.

Get a one bed with a big bedroom rather than a two bed she’s only little.

See what you can claim via working credits or UC.
and remember she will be eligible for free hours eventually.

you can make it work. Don’t lose anymore years to a man who threatens you with poverty or being a shit parent so you’ll stay.

Have you written out all your expenses? Do you definitely not have enough each month? Make sure you include absolutely everything, dentist, haircuts, mot, subscriptions etc You’ll have 3.5k with his maintenance, so 2k after nursery fees which sounds like it would cover rent, bills and other extras? (You’ll also get child benefit too, you can use tax free childcare and you’ll get 11 free hours a week (15 hours a week termtime) when she’s 2. Plus any other benefits others are mentioning