To be trapped with DP because of nursery?

[Allalonemum]

we have a 1 year old, she started nursery last month. It’s costing 1,450 a month for her to go five days a week. We both work. I desperately want to leave DP for various reasons but when I raised it last night after feeling at breaking point, he said ‘well you’ll be on your own with nursery fees so good luck.’

For context he doesn’t want to separate and has said he will refuse to have dd at all if we do and will just see her at weekends as he pleases. (He is not a nice man). I would have care of dd and would want that so I am not worried about that aspect. But I genuinely don’t know how I could pay nursery on my own? I would have to give up work as my take home pay is around 3,000, rent round here is 800 minimum for a two bed. We just wouldn’t be able to live. Is it true he doesn’t have to pay? I couldn’t see any reference to nursery costs on the child maintenance website. TIA

Look at what @craigth162 has posted - I was amazed at how much financial support I was entitled to when my ex left us - me and 3 under 9 including a baby. It's doable and he will have to pay maintenance as well which is not counted in UC calculations.

As far as I understand it child maintenance isn’t based on what you need financially or what childcare expenses you have but on a percentage of his wage, offset by the amount of custody he has (which you say is 0) so it will be the max amount for his wage bracket, regardless of whether you have nursery fees, though of course you could use his maintenance directly towards them. I think I’ve got that correct!

Mumsnet at its best here - loads of practical advice and even some actual figures worked out for OP.

OP, hopefully this will help you work out what you can afford. It sounds like you know this relationship cannot go on. I wish you all the best.

I don't think this sounds like a man you can rely on for child maintenance or any support at all. And don't be fooled that CMS will make him, there's plenty of ways he'll get out of it.
Do your sums based on what you've got coming in and treat anything you can get from him as a bonus.

Get out. Look in to universal credit. I didn't think I would be entitled to anything but thankfully I am.

Struggling for money is far better than living your life with a man like that. And even more so, don't teach your child that it's okay to be treated like that.

You can do it, you would manage, it wouldn't be easy but it'll be easier than putting up with him. I promise.

Wow and people say it's hard to live on benefits.. I really don't understand why people on a salary way above average are getting subsidised.

It makes my blood boil to see men swan off into the distance without paying a penny towards their offspring.

You don't have to pack your bags and leave tomorrow, OP. Unless your life is in immediate danger, take your time, make your plans (assume you will get nothing from him and he will fight you every step of the way) and keep your job going. You will get through this.

Because in this situation it would enable OP to stay in work, otherwise she'd have to give up entirely and claim even more benefits. It's also short term, childcare years don't last forever. OP is likely to pay a lot more tax/NI over her lifetime than she will ever be claiming in benefits.

Fair enough but if every single parent is being topped up to the equivalent of a salary of 65k it's no wonder the country has no money!

We're on a combined income of about half that and manage to live within our means. I don't understand why people need so much money.

I mean the op said she had 750 a month after rent and childcare. That should be plenty for bills and food . Why should she get another 1000 a month? Maybe I have misunderstood the calculations

Because if the salary won't cover rent and childcare people can't stay in their job. It's not in the government's interests economically for people to be forced out of their jobs.

Agreed. Mines and DHs salary combined doesn't come to £3k take home yet we are entitled to jack shit.

Every single parent is not being topped up to that income - where your income ends up will depend on your starting point and how much childcare element you receive will depend on your childcare costs.

Single parent households claiming benefits make up about 5% of ALL UK households according to ONS statistics. Not all of these will be getting childcare element. I am therefore pretty certain that the childcare element of UC is NOT what is “bankrupting the country”.

Barring children in those households, which are already statistically some of the country’s most vulnerable, from regular childcare, and preventing their parents (84% of whom are mothers) from working, certainly doesn’t seem a smart way to improve the country’s finances or resilience in the long term.

For context: estimated figures on cost of Brexit suggest it has been £100 billion a year, cost of pandemic £310-£410 billion total…

@GanninHyem but if your child care costs were £1400 a month like OPs you would presumably be entitled to something. Also, if there's 2 of you, you have more options re childcare as you aren't trying to do all it all on your own like the OP would be.

Not sure why you don't get that.

As has already been pointed out, OP as a higher rate tax payer will be of far more use to the government if they help her through a difficult couple of years than If she quits her job. Obviously when she's not got ridiculous nursery fees she wouldn't be claiming benefits.

It's not a race to the bottom. It's a great shame on this country that OP even though she has a decent income feels she can't afford to leave her DP because childcare is so extortionate.

I left ex when ds was 2 and he tried to starve us back too. My salary was the same as yours.

I found a (grotty) inexpensive 1 bed flat and shared a bed with ds until he started school at four and I was able to get a mortgage and buy a house. I wasn't eligible for UC but you probably are.

The time in our little flat was a bit tight for money but much happier. I sort of 'shrank my world' to what I could manage by myself. DS loved it. You will cope and find a way to make it work.

Also ignore his bullshit “I will see them when I feel like it”. Get a formal agreement and enforce it and do not let him just do what he feels like

I do compressed hours over four days and I’m better off than if I worked five days, could you do that?