Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be happy with just one child?

30 replies

Haveli · 22/03/2024 18:44

I have a daughter. She is 2.5 and great (although hard work as toddlers are!).

Lots of the mums of her nursery friends are starting to have second babies or announce pregnancies, and I'm always delighted for them but have never felt the same pang of 'wish it was me' that I did when we were trying for DD. One asked me point blank today when we were going to have another as DD would 'miss out otherwise' and the 'age gap will be growing'.

Don't get me wrong, I do think it would be lovely for her to have a sibling, and she would make an excellent big sister. But I just don't want any more. Pregnancy and the first year took such a toll on my mental health, my daughter is still very much a mummy's girl and I often find myself overwhelmed by how much I am 'needed'. I love her to the moon and back but I have no desire to do it all again. DH is happy to leave the ball in my court.

I just feel a bit bad that I am doing her out of the special relationship between siblings. Although I had a younger sister and although we get on OK, we definitely aren't best friends.

aibu?

OP posts:
sofiamofia · 22/03/2024 18:46

No, you are not at all unreasonable.

There are no guarantees of a happy sibling relationship. Only children are perfectly happy.

TeaKitten · 22/03/2024 18:48

You no YANBU. And there’s no guarantee of a close sibling relationship or even a healthy baby. If you are happy with one then she will be happy as the only one.

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 22/03/2024 18:49

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Nobody should have a second child unless they really want one. Don’t do it for the sake of the first child. There’s no guarantee they’ll get on anyway. Like you I have a young sister who I get along with fine, but we’re not close at all. We couldn’t be more different as people and honestly she’s more of an acquaintance than a friend to me. I don’t wish she hadn’t been born of course, but I would have been fine as an only child.

xyz111 · 22/03/2024 18:50

Me and my DB are only 3 years age gap and we don't have much of a relationship, never been close. No back story, just always been 2 different people. Having a sibling is no guarantee. I have a DS6, he's an only child as I didn't feel that desire either. But I don't feel like he's missing out.

TheChosenTwo · 22/03/2024 18:51

What would be unreasonable about it?
Have the amount of children you want, can afford and can cope with.
So what if others are having more, they’re not you!

TempersFuggit · 22/03/2024 18:52

We only have one too, I was quite old when she was born, and just never had enough energy to think about another one. We went through a lot of years as she grew up when she wished she had a sibling, but she's 16 now and has lovely friends and cousins to make up for it. I don't regret it at all.
Living in London not that many people can afford to have two children, so we aren't alone.

VivaVivaa · 22/03/2024 18:56

Of course you are not unreasonable. Do not bring another life into existence unless it is definitely what you want. You don’t owe your DD a sibling. There is nothing wrong with either having or being an only child at all.

mynameiscalypso · 22/03/2024 18:56

I felt - and feel - exactly the same way. DS is 4.5 now and a few of the mums at school are pregnant and I mainly just think they're incredibly brave/crazy. DS loves babies and is brilliant with them (he has a two month old cousin) and would make an excellent big brother but it's not even an option so I don't really waste much time thinking about it. Maybe we'll get him a pet one day.

stophummingthecancan · 22/03/2024 18:58

I'd never ask someone if they are having another- in case they were trying to, and couldn't. YANBU, if you decide your family is complete, then it is.

PumpkinPie2016 · 22/03/2024 18:59

Not unreasonable in the least. We have one (he's 10 now) through choice.

I absolutely love having one! We can devote a lot of time to him and don't feel over stretched. He is a very happy, sociable, well adjusted little boy.

I don't think a sibling is essential. You never know what their relationship will be like. I am close to my brother but truthfully, I can't stand my sister. She has a nasty, abrasive personality and is generally not a nice person. I have no contact with her now.

If you are happy with one, your daughter will be fine.

WhereIsMyLight · 22/03/2024 19:00

I just feel a bit bad that I am doing her out of the special relationship between siblings. Although I had a younger sister and although we get on OK, we definitely aren't best friends.

Is the special relationship guaranteed? Absolutely not, as seen with your own sister. I think a very small number of siblings actually have that special relationship, the vast majority just “get on OK”. There are some siblings who don’t get on at all.

Our DD is a similar age and I think she’ll also be an only. I worry about her as she grows up, not because she won’t have that relationship with siblings more because we don’t live near family. However, we don’t live near family and we’ve created networks of friends here and hopefully DD will see that and emulate that in her adult life.

Seasonofthesticks · 22/03/2024 19:01

I have a seven year old daughter. Very happy just me and her 🥰

AdoraBell · 22/03/2024 19:04

YANBU its entirely your choice, not anyone else’s.

Your DD won’t “miss out” unless you keep her indoors for the rest of her life. She’s already learning about socialising among other things in her nursery.

Ignore them.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/03/2024 19:05

I'm an only child and had a brilliant childhood. I never wanted a sibling and I've never felt lonely. The only reason to have another child is because you and your husband both really want one.

heatersneaker · 22/03/2024 19:06

stophummingthecancan · 22/03/2024 18:58

I'd never ask someone if they are having another- in case they were trying to, and couldn't. YANBU, if you decide your family is complete, then it is.

Right?! It's a highly insensitive question. It's also too personal - I'm shocked at the audacity of some people

PitterPatter3 · 22/03/2024 19:07

Of course you’re not BU.

Other people need to butt out and mind their own business FFS.

AdoraBell · 22/03/2024 19:08

And as for the special relationships, that’s not guaranteed. I am one of 6 siblings, none of us are in contact, a few a viscous about the others and all apart from me- not saying I’m special- are divorced with disastrous relationships with their DCs.

mrlistersgelfbride · 22/03/2024 19:12

YANBU at all! I have an only DD aged 6, and am very happy with having just her. She wasn't the easiest baby and toddler and I had horrendous PND and just don't want to do it again! I'm her main carergiver and this way it's a nice balance. I'm not prepared for run myself into the ground for this 'societal expectation' of siblings.

I am surrounded by people who still ask me when I am having another. My ex colleague used to ask me about it every other week (despite having an only herself) and it drove me mad- I think I even started a thread about it 😅
People need to mind their own business.
Your daughter will be fine. More than fine. So will you be. It's life's best kept secret in my opinion x

Beezknees · 22/03/2024 19:26

YANBU. I'm an only child, with an only child, both of us perfectly happy with it. My DS is 16 and I never once regretted not having more.

Dolly567 · 22/03/2024 19:39

F other peoples opinions
You get the same questions if you have two!
You also get asked about genders all the time with two(if they're the same)
Why are people so annoying Grin

Itsacruelsummer · 22/03/2024 20:41

That person is incredibly rude!! What if you couldn't have another.

Nothing wrong with a large age gap or only child.

Elisabeth3468 · 22/03/2024 21:09

YANBU. There's so many families that choose to have one child and there's nothing wrong with that.
I would love another (son is 2) and we have been trying for over a year. I know my partner would happily have one but also doesn't feel strongly towards not having another.
Not all siblings get along. My partner and his sister couldn't be more opposite and she's caused him strife his whole childhood and they aren't close now either as adults.
You do what's right for your family.
Also you may change your mind in a few years anyway, your little one is very young. Or you might not.

Original poster
Haveli · 23/03/2024 07:27

Thank you all, i needed these comments ❤️

Agree that it's bloody rude to ask - I wouldn't dream of asking anyone when they were having a baby for fear that they couldn't or were trying already and feeling down about it. But other mums do seem to think it's fair game...

OP posts:
VeryBusyDoingNothing · 23/03/2024 07:33

People are incredibly rude. I have three kids, youngest is now 18 months and I get asked every other day if we're trying for a fourth. Nope, we're "done", three was for whatever reason the right number for us. I felt pangs of wanting another until I had my third and now I feel nothing much when I see other babies other than "cute". I think if you feel like that then your probably also done. It doesn't matter if it's 1,2 3 as long as you're happy. Obviously for those that want more and can't for whatever reason that's a very different situation. Go with your gut and don't be led by social opinions I'd say.

rainbowtinsel · 23/03/2024 07:35

Same, and I’m very happy/relieved in my decision. Never had the pang/all consuming broodiness like I did with my first. And really when you stand back and properly analyse, practically there aren’t many pros and are lots of uncertainties to the pros that there are to having a second.

Also for me it’s my health, I have and autoimmune condition and I had a traumatic birth (severe bleeding nearly had to have a hysterectomy) think it got rather high stakes at one point - I don’t think it would be all that wise to try. I wouldn’t want to be explaining that to randoms at nursery!