Let's play 'why is my passive-aggressive, emotionally immature MIL giving her son the silent treatment this time'!

[pacificnature]

I have no idea what it could be this time.

Excited to hear some guesses!

(Could potentially be that we haven't been around for a couple of weeks)

Well you are probably right about the catalyst but suppose the reason she does it is to make him question himself/punish him induce FOG and to get attention as he potentially falls over himself to get her to forgive him.

what will he do, is he mentally strong enough to ride it out and leave her to it? Sending him support to do this from a fellow sufferer!

I've asked him to let her stew on it. It's akin to a 2 year old's tantrum and we have enough of those to deal with at the moment

I don’t have time for sulking people anymore and their mind games.Communicate like an adult or get lost.

Your instincts are probably correct. Was she expecting you over?
I'd leave her to it.

Mil fell out with dh because he refused to travel (annual trip) to watch a sporting event. He would be leaving me after a suspected heart attack and a premature dc... His first dc....
Been over 9 years of peace and quiet now.

Grass is green at the moment, it could be that

You’re more likely to get the answer to your question if your DP just asks his mum. They are both adults and, presumably, both capable of conversing?

Not expecting, she said something about coming over and my husband clearly hasn't organised it quickly enough

Punishment is normally the answer.

The best way to deal with it is to not notice.

So just carry on as normal and when she eventually contacts him he should chat normally as though he hasn't even noticed the sulking. He should never call her or try to talk her round or appease her. She wants to sulk? Let her crack on.

She'll inevitably cave. If she mentions anything about him not calling her or them not talking that's when he does his best surprised voice and says really? I hadn't noticed thh.

It'll drive her crazy.

It's like when someone's bitching at you you wait for them to finish then you say sorry, what did you say? I was miles away.

You can see steam coming out of their ears!

He's tried speaking to her while on the phone this morning and she barely grunted. It's not for him to communicate! She does this a lot by the way, exhausting

If he’s not bothered leave her to it. She’ll come round in her own time. Or not 🤷‍♀️ The balls in her court. In the meantime get on with your life and fit her in - if that’s what she’s miffed about - when convenient for DP.

She'll just stay in a mood til she isn't and there's not much you can do.
Don't bother engaging with it. Either ignore it or say 'Is there something wrong because you seem a bit annoyed? Well, I'm here when you feel more up to talking'
Then happily get on with your lives with no contact (til the next time)

@pacificnature just leave it. dont encourage him to contact her. think of the future peace you will have! if anything, she will need him before he needs her!

It's all just so unnecessary.

Also, it's playing on my mind. What if we've actually done something wrong?! I can't think of anything, but it makes me paranoid.

I find it so controlling.

And there you have it in a nutshell @pacificnature - "I find it so controlling".
So stop giving her or letting her have the control.

She throws a tantrum because when she said jump, no one responded with "How high??"

Leave her to it.

If she wants to get back in touch with you, she will. Ignore anything she says about why you haven't been in touch with her by responding with "We were busy and we hadn't noticed we haven't been in touch" or words to that effect which to her will be infuriating but to you will be water off a ducks back. Stop allowing her to get under your skin. Just change ever so slightly how you respond to her. Don't reward tantrums from her. Ignore them.

Stay strong!

He should stop phoning her, then.

This is her problem, not his.

My MIL did this too much so my DH actually realised what they were like and went LC.

Bullying by silence. Well-known narc tactic. Nasty x

It took me several years to modify DH’s learned behaviour re the silent treatment. He eventually got it, and now realises that it is so much easier to tell me what I have done to upset him rather than wait days for me to work out why he’s not talking to me.

The fact he was able to modify this behaviour confirmed that he was not a lost cause. However, my MIL, from whom he learnt the behaviour, still has control over the rest of her family. DH has escaped the grip, he escaped years ago so has always been labelled “the difficult one”, it has cost him his relationship with his brothers, who are still securely under the thumb, but he is a much happier, content person now he doesn’t feel the need to see his mother.

I could write a book about the schemes and behaviour I’ve witnessed over the years. But like most narcs she hides it well. It is very hard to go low contact but once it becomes the norm then you accept that you are happier without the constant manipulation.
We are going out as a family this weekend to celebrate MIL birthday. She is quite frail nowadays but I am still dreading it. But we do have strength in numbers and the ability to leave if it becomes difficult.

My husband will also sometimes do the silent treatment thing and it's clearly come from her.
That makes me furious.

He is starting to really see it in her though.

It's so childish, I can't be bothered with it.

I had a rough childhood with a difficult step-dad so I'm of an anxious disposition and she's able to really press all those buttons and it's not fair.

You should have seen how both my PILs behaved around the organisation of our wedding. Any event where they're not in charge, or centre of attention makes their behaviour unbelievable.

@pacificnature

just ignore it & enjoy the peace & quiet.

if you've 'done something' it'll all be in her head. Even if it wasn't, you'd be better to leave it until she tells you what you've done wrong.

its not fair it's triggering you, but you're not going to change her overnight, but you can try to limit how much it affects you (get dime therapy), it'll be good for you anyway.

its not fair it's triggering you, but you're not going to change her overnight, but you can try to limit how much it affects you (get dime therapy), it'll be good for you anyway.

Yes. I don't think she'll ever change, her behaviour over the years has been questionable. Very immature.

I've had loads of therapy, shame it hasn't helped much!

She’s doing it because she can.

She can because her son is letting her.

He needs to end contact and replace any time he used to spend with her by doing things you both enjoy.

And that's why she does it. If you have done something "wrong" the she has these things called words and she can string some of them together and they will form sentences which will convey what she views is wrong.

So what do we do, nothing? Obviously nothing is the answer.

Would prefer it if my subconscious would get on board and completely forget about it.