DH secretly smoking

[forestblade]

DH and I were watching TV last night and it was getting late so I said let's go to bed. He insisted on staying up a bit later and would be up soon. I thought it was odd but went to bed anyway.

He came up to bed and as soon as he got into bed I could smell cigarette smoke on him and I asked if he'd been smoking and he said no. I asked him to breathe out and he had definitely been smoking. He kept denying it until I asked to smell his breath.

It then all came out that he has "1 or 2" every week when he's out at the pub, it's the same night each week. I'm always in bed when he returns as it's a week night and I work the next day. He felt guilty smoking his friend's so he bought his own which are in the house.

DH and I smoked years ago, I moved onto vaping and still do. He stopped cold turkey after decades of smoking. The turning point for him came when our eldest asked him to stop.

About a year ago his friend was round and he sneaked off out the back to have a cigarette with him. It came out that he smoked when at his friends house (very rarely).

I asked him only last week how he managed to stop smoking the way he did as I want to stop vaping but this whole time he'd been smoking in secret.

I am really angry about it. I feel lied to and that he's been deceitful. I lost it last night because of the way he did it by insisting I go up to bed without him and he'd be up shortly then he comes to bed stinking of smoke.

He says I'm a hypocrite because I vape. But I don't lie to him about vaping? He said he didn't tell me because I reacted exactly like he thought I would by giving him "an earful". I feel he's been lying over and over and gaslighting me frankly.

I am still so angry about it this morning and don't want to even look at him.

I am posting here because I have ADHD and see things as very black and white and take great offence to being lied to and I'm looking for opinions on if I am being unreasonable.

[MrsSkylerWhite]

I don’t have ADHD. I would be very angry about the lying, too.

[SallyWD]

Lying in a relationship is never good and obviously you've lost a little trust now.
Just to add another perspective. When I was a child my mum used to smoke in secret. I knew but my dad seemed oblivious. She didn't hide it because my dad would have been angry (he was a smoker himself!) but because she felt deeply ashamed. She saw it as a failing, a weakness. My mum's the kindest, most lovely person. A wonderful wife and mother so I suppose I can be forgiving. Your DH shouldn't be hiding this from you but no one's perfect and we all make mistakes.
I hope you can move forward with understanding on both sides and no more secrets.

[forestblade]

I feel like what he's doing is part of the Lying 101 - deny, minimise, deflect, gaslight.

[forestblade]

@SallyWD I cross posted with you so didn't see your reply at first. Hmm, your post has made me think and perhaps taken the burn out of it a little.

I feel great indignation over it as in how dare he lie to me. I have big emotions due to the ADHD.

[forestblade]

It's my day off today. He's taken the kids to school and the car to the garage for it's MOT and has just text me saying he's going to wait while it gets done. I'm glad he's out for a while so I can try to get my emotions in check before he's back.

[SallyWD]

You're entitled to feel angry about the secrecy but I'd have a really open, honest discussion about it (rather than just being furious at him). I'd try and understand why he's been hiding it. Was he scared of your reaction, was he ashamed or emvarassed? You need to decide how you feel about being with a smoker.

[AdultFemaleWoman]

Not trying to stir, but as an ex smoker myself, I do realise it is an addiction. And addictions are hard to give up, really hard. Now it's in the open, hopefully you can help each other give up your addictions together.

[TheGrimSqueakersFlea]

He's finding it hard to give up the nicotine. You're still vaping which isn't much better than smoking, rather than get angry maybe try to understand that you are both struggling with the same addiction.

[Herdingcatz]

My dad smokes. None of us in the family know about it 🤣. He waits until mum goes to bed and then pops out for one. He never wanted us as kids to know, and would have been upset when we were kids if he thought we knew. Now at 42 I still don’t know and neither does my mum.

[forestblade]

@Herdingcatz Lol. That's funny. You seem quite chill about it. Is your mum the same?

[Herdingcatz]

I think for me it was recognising that it was embarrassment on his part that he didn’t want us to know, as well as he really wanted to set us a good example- he was terrified that we would start smoking if we knew he did.

All of those little lessons about not smoking would lose their potency if at 15 my dad was saying smoking is bad but smart-arse me was saying “well you do it”.

Do I wish he didn’t smoke? Of course, but he has a stressful job and eats well and doesn’t drink at all. I drink a fair bit, other people eat badly. Obviously things have different levels of harm, but we’re all human and I think there are worse things he could be doing to relax from work as well as better.

There are lots of reasons your partner might not have wanted you to know, embarrassment at not doing as well as you, wanting to set an example for your kids, not wanting you to know there are cigarettes in the house and tempting you?

I don’t know what mum thinks. We’ve never spoken about it as we don’t know he smokes

[SkaneTos]

You can try to break your habits together now, as a project.
Support each other.
But the will to quit smoking/vaping has to come from inside each person.

Good luck!

[forestblade]

We've spoken about it further. I remained calm but started crying when he told me he'd been sneaking out the back some evenings when I was in bed. He said he felt cheeky (in a naughty schoolboy way), it made me feel like he was trying to get one up on me and that he had this little secret.

He apologised for the deceipt and said he didn't see it as lying or that it would be a big deal.

I feel a bit shit and not sure if me being this upset is a normal reaction.

[Lurkingandlearning]

The lying isn’t ok. But if you’re ok with him smoking it’s a shame he’s brought some home because obviously he’s now smoking more than the two pub nights. I get that he didn’t want to keep cadging cigarettes from his friend but it would’ve been better to buy him a pack every few weeks so that his friend wasn’t out of pocket and not have any at home

[paintingvenice]

I think you are right to be upset, but I’d now leave it. You don’t want your kids knowing and they’ll pick up on it if you’re upset. The fact he’s ashamed tells you he feels bad about it.

[Imgoingtobefree]

I will make an admission.

I smoke in secret.

The thing is I live alone. Who am I smoking in secret from? I’m divorcing and I have moved out. I gave up smoking 27 years ago when my child was born. The last few years I have been addicted to nicotine gum.

Then finally when I moved out and was dealing with a lot of stress I succumbed and bought a packet of cigarettes. I have been smoking again for about a year, on average between 2 to 4 cigarettes a day. Because it’s only a few ciggies a day and I really enjoy them, I have justified my relapse to myself.

Only my adult Dd and a couple of close friends know this. I’ve already had the ‘lecture’ from one of the non smoking friends.

Why do I keep it secret from everybody else? I think it’s the shame of indulging in something that is now considered such a bad habit. I’ve tried vaping, but it doesn’t do it for me. Vaping doesn’t have such a bad stigma as smoking.

Yes he should have been more honest. I’d suggest cutting him some slack, but insist on honesty about how many he is smoking now.

i think the addiction of nicotine can be harder for others. I’ve been able to give up alcohol entirely and it wasn’t difficult.

[buckeejit]

I secretly smoke. Not much, but I do enjoy it. My life feels full of obligation to my family's needs & inside I still feel like a fuck it teenager & this is maybe a small nod to me as a person who can make a choice.

Dh doesn't care, he's very laid back & he likes the odd roll up himself. This is a level that's acceptable for now, although obviously it's not great but I wouldn't be pleased if dh started laying down the law. I think you need to acknowledge your boundaries & see if you can communicate about it while staying calm. Make sure he knows that the lying is the worst part for you. Hope you manage to make progress

[mumofoneanddone82]

Two things here, as an ex smoker myself

1. Why is he lying to you? If you go crazy at him because he's smoked he will more likely to hide it from you.
2. Smoking is a horrible habit, but it is his life and if he is in need of one to unwind at the end of the day... what has caused this?

I have friends who are scared when they have a cheeky fag on the very rare night out in case their partner finds out. I find this bizarre and controlling. If he was chain smoking in the house/car in front of your children and spending money he doesn't have that is a different topic.

[mumofoneanddone82]

@buckeejit you sound like you have a healthy relationship and boundaries.

[jengachampion]

Sorry beside the point but I don't get what you mean about big emotions and black white thinking due to ADHD...I have ADHD and I've never heard this? Basically what I mean is you don't have to second guess your thoughts and feelings with the caveat of 'I have ADHD' because it's not like that means you're another species or wildly unreasonable or anything.

[fishonabicycle]

You're both still smoking - he kept it secret as he feels guilty. It's a bit irritating, but not worth getting so worked up about.

[forestblade]

@jengachampion Yes, both very common with ADHD. I second guess my emotions as I don't always know if they are proportionate, or heightened as a result of my ADHD. Hence asking on here for some other perspectives.

[forestblade]

Thanks everyone. You've certainly given me food for thought. I don't like the smoking but it's the lying I was most upset about. We've had a good chat, I just need to shake off my mood.

[Helpisso]

I am a smoker and absolutely bloody hate the fact that I do have such a horrible addiction. People judging me would make it even more likely for me to go off and have a cigarette.
I never smoke in front of anyone,hide down the bottom of my garden. Family obviously know I smoke,absolutely none of my friends are aware .
Your husband probably’lied’ because he is embarrassed.
How would you feel if he just said. I am going outside for a cigarette?
Your vaping isn’t really any different TBH .

[WoodBurningStov]

My dh did this, gave up smoking then onto vaping then gave up. A few years later I kept smelling smoke and asked him if he'd started smoking again and he said no. After a few months i found a packet of fags in his work bag.

If he's told me he'd fallen off the wagon I'd have understood, but I was monumentally pissed off with the lying. He said that if he admitted it to me, he'd have to admit it to himself and knew if he did this he'd never give up. I'm still annoyed at him and it's definitely a chink in an otherwise great relationship