Want to move to have a smaller mortgage/better standard of living

[littlealex2021]

My DW and I are in the lucky situation where we have a 4 bed house near London which means its worth far more than it really is worth (if you see what I mean). I would like to move after my first DD finishes GCSEs but before my second DD starts hers. This gives us a window of about a year or so. The pros are from my perspective:

1. Can be almost mortgage free
2. Can move to where there are even better schools than where we are now
3. Can have a much bigger but still manageable house which will be important I think as the kids will probably be with us until age 30 based on current trends
4. Will still be less than 1.5 hours from London
5. Can enjoy the fruits of our labour now before we want to downsize in about maybe 10 years or so.

There are many more benefits but too many to list (from my perspective). My DW agrees basically with all those benefits but she is kind of putting her foot down and saying she will not move. This is partially as her mum (80) lives nearby (she would still only be an hour away) but also claims that we will lose money as we are leaving the London area, I have pointed out our new house will almost certainly also gain in value and quality of life is worth more surely!

I'm quite upset and down about this and don't know how to try and persuade her. We are both 53 and have a £190k mortgage which we could reduce to less than £50k, still travel into central London when needed for work (maybe twice a month atm) but enjoy the big kitchen, ensuite bathrooms garden, countryside etc that comes with being away from the capital. AIBU?

You need to move the mum too @littlealex2021 or she won’t go for it… 80 is too old to be an hour away from main support.

If you can swing that she will go for the house.

I would extend my mortgage term so lower payments for next five years and let both kids finish school, then move away from school area

I suggest don't move a teen who is happy and settled in secondary school, much harder for them to make friends if they aren't starting in y7.

Agree that MIL makes a move challenging, as well as your DW’s reluctance to move away from an area she’s known all her life. Maybe try and encourage her enthusiasm for other places with some mini break/ weekends away to places you’ve been eyeing up, and on your way to a good meal look in the estate agent windows!

If the move is purely financially driven, as a pp suggested, you could get some income from renting a room during the week to a commuter. There’s a lot of demand for 2-3 days per week / weekday-only rentals via specialist websites.

I lived around one and half hours away from my late parents which was fine in the early years. When it all goes t*ts up you spend alot of time on the motorways and staying over. I am not surprised your partner is reticent. Personally I would bide my time and keep plans on hold until it becomes mutually convenient for all parties.
Living outside of London has it challenges- not least lack of transport. I say this living in the 'Shires' where I lived in a village and you were a constant taxi service.

I’m laughing at ‘kids smoke and drink weed cos there’s nothing to do’.

I grew up in a rural area. Crap transport links and far away from towns / cities.

totally disagree with the ‘lack of entertainment’ comment.

I grew up kayaking, surfing, wild swimming, hiking, having picnics with my friends, horseriding, hanging out with friends at each others homes having board games or movie nights. We knew each others parents really well cos they’d all pitch in and drive us around places or back and forth to each others homes. some of my friends parents I still know and are very dear to me. It was like having an even bigger family than the one I was born into.

we also grew up (and continue to as I still live in a rural area) being part of a community. We don’t just know our neighbours, we know who lives on the corner 5 miles away. During Covid, we dropped off food for the elderly in a 20 mile radius. When my kid is in hospital, people drop off supplies.

and guess what , most major supermarkets still do grocery deliveries ! We also weren’t ‘smoking weed and drinking early’

We downsized and moved from city to large village/tiny town. We all love it, kids too. They build fires by the woodland stream and sit round with their mates. Lots of off mountain biking and wild swimming. Good transport to cinema, leisure centre and shopping if they could be bothered. Non of them have any desire to live in the city. Our quality of life is so much better then before.

in your shoes I’d explore the granny annex option. Maybe granny could live between both locations if unsure? Long weekends in the annex, short week at home in London.

I don’t think you can live your life around this. Also a big assumption they’ll go this path.

this is a fairly wealthy couple clearly as well.

It doesn't sound like the best time to move, with elderly parent and schools. I wouldn't move either until later.

Agree with all of the above. Yourevery focused on the financial aspects to the detriment of other important issues. Your wife's quality of life won't improve if she is worrying about being a 2-hour round trip away from aging MIL. Granny annex might be a good compromise?

Surely you can see that being an hour away from an elderly parent who's only going to need more help is a problem? An hour doesn't sound much until you've been at A&E all day, haven't eaten and are completely shattered.

I understand why your DW won't move and I think you need to properly discuss this with reference to her support she gives to her mother.

Don't move your kids away from their friends, being a teen is already hard enough and those social relationships are crucial. You may end up with very unhappy kids. Why not wait til youngest is 18?

With Spring/Summer events coming up, this is the perfect time to drive to the areas you are thinking of. Go to some community events, look at some houses and spend some time being in the areas you like. It can be scary prospect but maybe you need to find somewhere that she feels comfortable and happy.

My mother was fit, healthy and very independent up to the age of 79. Then she had a couple of falls, one resulting in a broken hip, and although she initially made a good recovery in the first 6 months she has gone rapidly downhill in the six months since. She lives next door so the care aspect is very manageable. Your wife is right in not wanting to move away from your MIL.

1. Can be almost mortgage free
2. Can move to where there are even better schools than where we are now
3. Can have a much bigger but still manageable house which will be important I think as the kids will probably be with us until age 30 based on current trends
4. Will still be less than 1.5 hours from London
5. Can enjoy the fruits of our labour now before we want to downsize in about maybe 10 years or so

Will the kids really want to stay with you till 30 if you're no longer living near the city ? (Assuming your not also budgeting in car deposits/rego/insurance) seems like a long time to be living at home if the "home" is near good schools & ones already finished one will finish shortly....

Everything else sounds great though!

It seems to me that your wife doesn’t want to move and you do. So you are driving all this whilst she’s an unwilling passenger.

When my dm was in her 80’s she was v frail. Either me or db went round at least once a day. We also had to sort out hospital appointments etc. it was horribly horribly stressful. And we lived 2 minutes away from her. It would have been unmanageable with an hours commute either side.

I can almost guarantee that if you move your MIL will deteriorate pretty rapidly. I can’t get my head around someone thinking it’s OK to just move an hour away from her when DW doesn’t want to. Why should she leave her elderly mum?

I wouldn't move your DD just before an exam year. As a minimum I'd say put until the kids are finished school. It's very disruptive.

Once you've taken care of the basics, decent housing, enough healthy food, time to be active etc, the biggest impact on happiness and longevity is community (friends, family etc). That's not my opinion, very many studies have shown it. And in my experience, people very often regret moving away from their communities. They think it will be easy to visit, that loved ones will visit them wherever they move to, but the reality never quite lives up to expectation. It sounds like you have the basics covered, so I'm with your wife. I wouldn't move away from my community either, even if it meant making financial sacrifices. If your wife doesn't want to move, it looks like you're not moving.

YANBU all your reasons are very good.

But having moved 3 hours from my home town when I got married it is really hard to make new friends as an adult. Your kids should be fine, school/ college will give them a ready supply of people to get to know. That's some thing to consider.

Do you like meeting up with friends yourself? Does your wife?

There are lots of ways of looking at this dilemma but it’s quite interesting @littlealex2021 that you’re only listing your Pros and your wife’s Cons.
What are the lists the other way round?

My personal position is that we live in the countryside and neither of us would want it any different, we love all the positive benefits and don’t find the negatives that other people talk about eg have never sought to acquire a pint of milk at 11pm either when we lived in town, or since. You do need to plan and shop in an organised way though and that’s not everyone’s style.

For me, to counter the benefits of lifestyle, space and easing financial pressure, moving further away from an elderly parent at this stage would be a hard no. That’s without considering your children’s situations.

Secondly, check your figures, the cost of relocation is high and at 53, moving out of London with two teens, there’s a chance that your choice of home now wouldn’t be the same as you’d pick as ideal in say 5-7 years time.

We’re an hour’s train from central London. That’s £50 for a day return, no tube included. Fares rise every year. If you have to park at the station that’s around £6 and the car’s out of use all day, otherwise the person wfh has to do four journeys there and back. You need to factor in hidden costs like this and say the price of fuel, rural broadband, groceries etc depending on just where you’d go. Countryside living is often more expensive than city.

In your shoes I’d wait. Let your youngest finish school, see where things are by then with MIL and then think again. You can spend a good chunk of time really researching where you’d like to live, to suit all of you, particularly if you envisage your DCs remaining in the family home for 10-15 years.
60-90 minutes out of London covers a vast and varied area, you need a lot more knowledge.

That´s about 3 hours (to and from) for a cup of tea, Sunday roast, having a walk in the park (<= whatever applies to your DW and MIL).

These hours will be put on your DW and that is a fairly substantial burden if she wants to maintain a semi-regular relationship with her DM. That needs to be taken into account when talking about "quality of life" as well.

It´s also four 3 in the case of a something urgent!

And yes, your MIL will call an ambulance if it´s truly an emergency.

But there is a massive "grey area" between "everything alright" and needing an ambulance. And your DW won´t be there to help.

moving after GCSEs for one but before the other with a year window presumably means that you'll be moving when your kids are Y9 and Y12.
y12 will be a horrible time to try to move!
Older child will either be mid- A-Levels or college course/ apprenticeship, which will be ridiculously difficult to try to move schools/ colleges in the middle of! Slim chance of having space at the local school/ college in the correct combination of A levels and them being the same exam boards, very little chance of being able to move an apprenticeship over.
Unless they'll be at a boarding school or living independently for term time elsewhere, and therefore won't be moving, yes YABU to consider moving then. Your window to move was before the oldest started GCSEs.

I forgot to mention, a big aspect for me is that the mortgage went up £400 after that blinking Truss person ruined the economy and that £400 is basically like burning money
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@littlealex2021 how much would the new house cost. Let's say £500,000. Stamp duty on that is £40,000. Add agent, solicitor and moving fees and it'll cost you £45,000 to move. That's 112 months, over 9 years, of your extra £400 gone in one fell swoop.

I think that two YESES means YES and one No means NO.

Your wife might say YES in four years rather than one. Plan for that and suggest that you buy a place with a granny flat.

In the mean time. Take holidays in places where you'd like to move. You might see the dream home in three years and be all set up once DC2 is finished school.

People move for all sorts of reasons. Children make new friends. It's not the end of the world and it's not that bad and certainly not a good enough reason not to move.