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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Everything is all my fault

47 replies

Doodles7 · 21/03/2024 13:16

My boyfriend and I had an argument again.

I’ve been really struggling with my anxiety and mental health. My anxiety manifests in a way that I think everything is because he’s going off me.
We argued today because he was quiet this morning and I said I was scared he’s going off me.

He snapped, saying he just wants me to ask if he’s ok, and that these conversations are wrecking him. He always says he’s happy but I said he’s clearly not, but yet he still says he is and it’s awful that I don’t just believe him.
I apologised.

I have acknowledged that I am struggling and I currently have a block of therapy booked.
My boyfriend says that I’m not taking full accountability. During the argument I said that he is doing some things that make me feel he’s going off me, but he always stated a reason for them. He’s explained them.
He said that because I’m looking for another reason, and not just accepting that I’m “the massive problem here”, I’m not taking full accountability.
He said until I am better, until I’ve got help, we won’t ever know if there’s any other issues. It could be, for example, likely that he’s reacting to the way I am at the moment, or that I’m the root cause to all the problems.
I said it could take me years to recover, and i didn’t want to be in a relationship where I’m getting the blame for everything, but he said it’s how it has to be so that we can figure out if I’m the root cause. If I’m not then that’s fine.

I recently moved in too. We have had a couple of arguments for the same reasons and he always has to take space from me after. He’s just done it again, had to take a coffee break for half hour.
I said I should just move out if he always needs breaks from me, but he said I shouldn’t.

I feel so upset. I know I’m causing a lot of issues in our relationship and, if he ever causes an obvious issue, he always apologises and takes responsibility.

An I in the wrong here?

OP posts:

Original poster

Doodles7 · 21/03/2024 13:18

I’d like to not drip feed, and say that I have severe ptsd and I am very hypervigilant. I always believe people are out to get me and it has been bad the last few weeks

OP posts:

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 21/03/2024 13:23

How was your mh before getting into a relationship with your bf?

Original poster

Doodles7 · 21/03/2024 13:23

It wasn’t great. I’ve always suffered from ptsd and anxiety and I’ve always been a bit up and down

OP posts:

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 21/03/2024 13:25

Do you take medication?

Original poster

Doodles7 · 21/03/2024 13:25

I do but it doesn’t seem to be doing anything

OP posts:

Autienotnaughtie · 21/03/2024 13:27

Not everything will be your fault all of the time. If it's always your fault I'd say you have become the scapegoat in your relationship. And he blames you for everything.

If you are constantly asking him about your relationship I can understand him getting frustrated. But what is he doing to show you he cares?

Are you happy in thus relationship? Does your dp treat you well?

He can't expect you to be better just because it suits him it's good you are getting help. You need to figure out if he is a good partner and if he isn't then maybe he's not right for you.

Original poster

Doodles7 · 21/03/2024 13:29

One of the things I got upset about the other day was that he doesn’t get me flowers anymore. But his argument was that he went out and bought me breakfast the other day when I was sleeping. I really do appreciate that and he thinks I’m just choosing to see what he’s not doing. Maybe he has a point?

OP posts:

Mrsttcno1 · 21/03/2024 13:29

Gently OP from what you have said it does sound as though you need to take a step back and just work on your mental health for both of your sakes.

If all of these “reasons” you feel he is going off you are along the same lines of him just being a bit quiet one morning, then yes, you are the problem there. If you are asking if he is happy and then refusing to believe him when he says he is, then yes you are causing a problem there.

It is incredibly frustrating to constantly having to almost convince your partner that you are happy, that everything is okay, to not even be able to have a quiet morning or a bit of a dull mood without your partner saying that means you don’t want to be with them.

He is doing the right thing by going to get space after these arguments, that’s the healthy thing to do, go and get some head space rather than continue to argue and let it escalate. He’s also right in saying you don’t need to move out & that is you being a bit dramatic. My husband and I love each other completely but when we have a bit of a bicker I will often go for a run or he pops to the gym just to get that bit of space and a clear head.

Mrsttcno1 · 21/03/2024 13:31

Doodles7 · 21/03/2024 13:29

He absolutely has a point. He did a nice thing and instead of appreciating that you’re pointing out things he hasn’t done.

KreedKafer · 21/03/2024 13:38

I sympathise with you because your anxiety is obviously something that causes you distress, but YABVU.

And I think you know that. The very nature of your mental health condition is that it causes you to think and behave unreasonably.

You say yourself that you don't want to be getting the blame all the time, but you also say that he does take responsibility and apologises when he's at fault, so clearly you are not getting the blame 'all the time'. You do need to accept that your anxiety is having a massive impact on him as well as you and that it is putting him under a lot of tension and strain.

I will be brutally honest: if I couldn't be a bit quiet, or take a coffee break alone for half an hour, without my partner asking if I was going off them, it would drive me absolutely up the wall. In your boyfriend's position, I would feel tense and claustrophobic and controlled by your behaviour. It's absolutely suffocating to have someone questioning you and demanding reassurance all the time. He must feel like he's scared to breathe in case it prompts another big emotional discussion. And even when he does reassure, you won't accept it.

I could not deal with it, at all. I don't think it's reasonable to say 'But there are things he does that make me think he is going off me', because there is basically nothing that he can do which doesn't make you think he's going off you. If it wasn't 'being a bit quiet' it would be something else, because your thinking is very distorted by your illness and you do need to be accountable for that.

Yes, it could take you years to recover. Equally, you might find that therapy etc helps you quite quickly, so you're really catastrophising by thinking about what will happen if it takes years - and I think telling him it could take years is actually just another way that you're demanding more reassurance for him, manipulating him into reassuring you yet again that he will stay with you. You're probably not even conscious that you're doing this, but you are.

I'm really sorry because I know it's incredibly hard for you feeling like this all the time, but I actually don't think you should be in any kind of relationship with anyone right now.

KreedKafer · 21/03/2024 13:40

Doodles7 · 21/03/2024 13:29

I'm sorry, but you are being massively unreasonable. He absolutely has a point.

EmilyTjP · 21/03/2024 13:43

Have you posted about this before? Just curious as it sounds very familiar.

EmilyTjP · 21/03/2024 13:44

Have you got a job? Friends and family to go and see? It all feels too intense like your happiness depends on your boyfriend.

shepherdsangeldelight · 21/03/2024 13:48

I used to have this with my partner (who also had mental health problems at the time). Unless I spent 100% of my time fully focussed on me, he was convinced that I didn't love him any more.
Went to work - if I loved him I'd have a job where I worked at home
Spoke to a friend - must like them more than I did him
Didn't want to watch the same TV programme he did - clearly I had a problem spending time with him
Was a bit tired and wanted space to myself - couldn't stand to be near him

I ended up in a vicious circle because I had to spend more and more time focusing on him to prove that I did love him, but it still wasn't good enough, so I just ended up resentful of him and then genuinely didn't want to spend time with him, so he then felt justified in his original feelings.

Original poster

Doodles7 · 21/03/2024 13:51

Like a self fulfilling prophecy, I get that and I’d hate for it to happen. How did you both fix it @shepherdsangeldelight ?

OP posts:

BellatrixLestranger · 21/03/2024 13:57

Can you imagine how you would feel if you told someone how you were feeling and they refused to accept it and kept badgering you and putting words in your mouth to suit their own agenda? That's what it sounds like you are doing to him.

Your mental health seems to (rightly) be a big focus for you. That does not mean it should come at the expense of another person's needs.

And the not buying you flowers thing is ridiculous-you must see that? It's as if you're trying to catch him out.

And OP: you are so focused on him being a good boyfriend and demonstrating his love for you-what are you doing for him?

Different people deal with stressful situations in different ways, and him taking a coffee break away from you should not be an issue, and you making it an issue shows that you do not have any regard for his needs or boundaries.

eish · 21/03/2024 14:03

You are doing the right thing by getting therapy. If your medication is not helping then speak to the GP.

Needing space after an argument is perfectly healthy. Your boyfriend has worked out what works for him. It sounds to like you may have a tendency to overthink, this will be exhausting for both you and your partner. Your partner has a point, if he is quiet your immediate go to is that he is going off you rather than having concern for what might be bothering him and with the greatest respect not everything will be about you or your relationship. Have things got worse since you moved in together? Perhaps you weren’t mentally ready for this?

I think you probably need to be kinder to yourself op and find some conviction that a man who has just committed to living with you definitely isn’t going off you.

AbitSceptical · 21/03/2024 14:08

Sounds like you’re not ready for a relationship. There’s a saying that no one else can love you more than you love yourself. You need to fix yourself first.

givemushypeasachance · 21/03/2024 14:15

Do you enjoy spending time with him? It sounds like all your time together is spent arguing or with you worrying that he secretly hates you. Do you get any benefit from being in a relationship?

Teacupsandrollups · 21/03/2024 14:18

Doodles7 · 21/03/2024 13:29

Yes, he absolutely has a point…

KalaMush · 21/03/2024 14:21

Sorry OP, but to me it sounds as if you're not ready to be in a relationship at the moment.

Bestyearever2024 · 21/03/2024 14:28

You're going to push him away. I'd go back and see your doctor and sort out different or stronger medication

jeaux90 · 21/03/2024 14:33

No one grows in another persons shadow.

Maybe a relationship isn't the right timing for you at the moment. It seems you are too reliant on the actions and presence of your partner.

He is not your parent. You need to be having an equal partnership, with space and time to do your own things.

You sound like you need to focus on yourself. And I mean you need to, not anyone else. The hyper vigilance and constant scanning is exhausting for both you and any significant other.

HungryBeagle · 21/03/2024 14:38

In the nicest possible way OP it must be exhausting for him living like that and I can totally see why he needs space after an argument.
I agree with those who say maybe now isn’t the right time for you to be in a relationship. Neither of you are happy with the current situation. I commend you for getting support but as you say, it could take years for you to see any improvements and that’s years in which you are constantly seeking reassurance from your partner and he is constantly having to provide it.

PaminaMozart · 21/03/2024 14:46

You'll kill this relationship and any future ones if you don't address your anxiety.

Take your meds
Get counselling and really engage with it.

And read Women Who Love Too Much for practical help.

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