Everything is all my fault

[Doodles7]

My boyfriend and I had an argument again.

I’ve been really struggling with my anxiety and mental health. My anxiety manifests in a way that I think everything is because he’s going off me.
We argued today because he was quiet this morning and I said I was scared he’s going off me.

He snapped, saying he just wants me to ask if he’s ok, and that these conversations are wrecking him. He always says he’s happy but I said he’s clearly not, but yet he still says he is and it’s awful that I don’t just believe him.
I apologised.

I have acknowledged that I am struggling and I currently have a block of therapy booked.
My boyfriend says that I’m not taking full accountability. During the argument I said that he is doing some things that make me feel he’s going off me, but he always stated a reason for them. He’s explained them.
He said that because I’m looking for another reason, and not just accepting that I’m “the massive problem here”, I’m not taking full accountability.
He said until I am better, until I’ve got help, we won’t ever know if there’s any other issues. It could be, for example, likely that he’s reacting to the way I am at the moment, or that I’m the root cause to all the problems.
I said it could take me years to recover, and i didn’t want to be in a relationship where I’m getting the blame for everything, but he said it’s how it has to be so that we can figure out if I’m the root cause. If I’m not then that’s fine.

I recently moved in too. We have had a couple of arguments for the same reasons and he always has to take space from me after. He’s just done it again, had to take a coffee break for half hour.
I said I should just move out if he always needs breaks from me, but he said I shouldn’t.

I feel so upset. I know I’m causing a lot of issues in our relationship and, if he ever causes an obvious issue, he always apologises and takes responsibility.

An I in the wrong here?

You need to move back out and end the relationship.

This isn’t healthy for either of you and you can never have a proper relationship until you sort your issues out.

It’s not fair that you are pushing your issues into him.

Yes he could leave (and he will eventually) but he will feel guilty and so he’s living a miserable life but is too nice to put himself first and end it.

Have a 6 month break and work on yourself and if you feel you are sorted by then, then reach out to him and ask for him back.

I'm sorry OP yes you are unreasonable. Unless there are loads of other things that you've not did (eg never wanting to spend any time with you, being on his phone while you're talking to him, not wanting to go anywhere together) you are basically showing him you don't trust him.

The examples you've given -
Buying you breakfast instead of flowers
Being a bit quiet
Articulating his annoyance at you constantly telling him how he feels
Having a coffee by himself for half an hour

All sound completely normal behaviour / normal responses to you constantly questioning him.

You will put him off you if you keep accusing him of doing so. And if you think about it, constantly asking him isn't going to make it happen or not happen either way is it.

Good luck with therapy

I would also recommend the book 'Attached'. You sound 'anxiously attached' and it explains this and how to manage it.

He does have a point, that is incredibly needy of you. He bought you breakfast and all you could think of was that he hasn’t bought you flowers. Your poor boyfriend.

All of this, it must be very difficult for you feeling as you do, but I absolutely feel he is in an abusive relationship or getting there. You're annoyed/upset because he's gone for a half hour break to clear his head? Why?
Because he's taking time for him? Because you think he's off meeting someone? You think nothings more important than you/your needs?

I completely agree.

If I knew him I would be telling him he’s in an abusive relationship and to leave.

That’s probably why he’s not leaving, even though he’s obviously very unhappy.

The psychiatrist who diagnosed uour ptsd/whoever prescribes your meds can you speak with them?

There's nothing more likely to turn you off the person you are dating than for them to be ridiculously insecure, needy and paranoid, requiring endless reassurance in the relationship. It's utterly exhausting and draining. It's no fun and being in love is supposed to be fun.

It's supposed to enhance your life and put a spring in your step, not constantly drag you down and make you feel you have to walk on eggshells so as not to be met with a barrage of accusations of 'you don't love me anymore, do you?'

If you are trying to drive him away then you are doing a good job of it.

And i must agree with other posters who have said that your behaviour is emotionally abusive, or bordering on it. If a man were doing this to his girlfriend people would have absolutely no hesitation in calling it emotional abuse and his insistence that it was triggered by his anxiety or PTSD would count for absolutely nothing.

Just because you can pinpoint a possible reason for emotionally abusive behaviour doesn't excuse the behaviour. People shouldn't have to tolerate it just because the perpetrator is damaged.

Ditch the F "boyfriend".
Bet your MH will improve.
Edit: Whoever is "at fault ", it almost always does.

You think nothings more important than you/your needs?

As @MyGooseisTotallyLoose states (harsh, but fair) the truth. When DH goes a little quiet I might ask, "you OK love?" Or "you want to chat?". Because maybe he's having a bad day, maybe he's ill, maybe he's just away with the fairies.

But you immediately thought it was about you. Which does two things. 1. It means he has to defend himself and justify himself to you and 2. If he had a need to be quiet, sad or reflective, he can't. He has to be servicing your needs at all times.

The flowers are REALLY interesting. Surely flowers are a nice surprise or present. Not something someone has to do regularly in order to prove their love. A friend of mine once said her dad had brought flowers for her mum every Friday, forever. I used to think, in my 20s, that was sweet. But as time went on and I knew them better I saw that their whole relationship was based on him behaving as if he was grateful she liked him. There were no reciprocal gifts, she was terribly PA and demanding.

So the mh issues that were there before him are his fault?

@MrsTerryPratchett you're right I was a bit harsh, but it reminded me of a uni hallmate, any interaction not with them, meant they were HATED and would cry loudly in their room so going for a coffee after a lecture, drinks after a study group was mean and wrong if they weren't invited (different course) if went shopping without them it was mean, started cooking dinner without them was mean, started a film without them mean, looking back as an adult they were obviously anxious/depressed/homesick but it made what should have been a fun term very tense as unless everything ran by them and they were centred, we were horrible and mean.

I’m sorry OP, but yes, you’re at fault here. I really hope the therapy helps you. What was the cause of your PTSD? I have CPTSD myself and got therapy and found a lot of my anxiety and trauma reactions (although different from yours, mine is triggered mostly in medical situations) stemmed from the cause of my CPTSD.

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose but it's the OP behaving like that, not her boyfriend?

And this is what the OP is doing to her partner.

Oh no, I was agreeing with you. Sometimes harsh but fair is what someone needs to hear. I think OP is so in her own head it's really difficult to see out.

Anxiety is shit for the person but also for the people around it.

Absolutely it's the op! The op is the one behaving poorly!

Oh ok sorry. When you told her that her mental health would improve if she ditched the boyfriend I thought that meant you were blaming him!

Yes, Attached by Levine (I think) is an excellent suggestion!

You need to go to counselling OP. In the mental health world, it's called learning to 'fill your own cup'. You need to be ok first in order to be a good partner/friend etc. If you're too insecure it makes relationships difficult. Tell your partner you will go to counselling and hope he may be patient with you. Best of luck xx

Thank you xx